Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Food Stamp Saga - Part 6

When we got to the food stamp office (DHS), he tried to get me to go in first and sign up.  I was puzzled.  "Don't I need to be off of your card first?"  He mumbled some senseless bs, then said, "Either way, maybe so."  I also asked, "Isn't there a waiting room or something inside?  I mean, I don't see why either of us needs to sit out here in the cold to wait our turn."  He stuttered, then said there was a waiting area where you take a number, then it is called when it is your turn. It may take several hours or not even get your turn until the next day.  I unbuckled, got out, said, "We are here, I'll take my chances.  You take me off first, then I will apply."  He had an odd look on his face, but went on in.  Of course he had to open the door for me, to look good for them.  All throughout our relationship, he seldom opened a door for me, now and then on occasion, but seldom.

We took our numbers from the front window, him first. Although there were a few people in the waiting room, there was only one person ahead of us.  After just a few minutes, the receptionist called his number.  He had  me taken off of his card in no time.  He bounced out of that office with a childish grin on his face and a victorious spring in his step, seemingly very pleased he had his own food stamps all to himself!  He was also determined that he was going to wait out in the cold truck while I went in for my turn, rather than in the warm waiting room.  It was pretty cold that day.

So why do I think he was so determined to have me go in first while he waited out in the cold truck, and that he waited outside when I finally did go in?  My answer to that is simply my deductive reasoning, my thoughts, opinions and conclusion.   At first I was totally confused and puzzled.  Now, after an incident with the phone (I know. I still haven't gotten to that post quite, yet), I realize he was probably waiting out in the truck so he could dial in to my phone to hear what all I might be saying to the DHS worker. Both of our phones do work in that town. (Many of the newer phones come with an app where you can call into another phone and listen to everything going on in the room through the speaker. If a phone doesn't have it, an app can be easily acquired and installed. His nephew's cell phone does have this app (It came with his phone) and he has told me a few times, in the past, about it. To make them legal, this app is sold under the pretense that it is for parents to use to keep up with their children, but it gets used for countless other uses.) 

By me going in first, if he used such an app, he could hear all I was saying to the worker, then counter it in conversation when he went in.  That is how the mind of a narcissist works, always having to make sure they aren't the one that looks bad. They will go to whatever extreme they have to to accomplish this.  When I didn't go in first, I think he still raced back out to the truck to get on his phone to listen to what he could, to keep fully informed for future use against me. Am I being paranoid? NO .... it is a huge possibility and I am just watching my own back as closely as possible. I have to protect me. If he does hear anything that would anger him, that he would take as something that was said against him, he could/would go into a violent rage again, and I want to prevent as much of that as I possibly can.

Part 7 of the Food Stamp Saga coming soon, where I discuss my turn in the food stamp office.

Thanks for stopping in and ;have a good day.

Signed - Betty Sue

Monday, January 30, 2017

Food Stamp Saga - Part 5

It has been awhile since I wrote the last installment of the food stamp topic, so I hope I pick back up in the right place and make sense. If not, feel free to ask me questions. I have just had so much going on, and my emotions are really starting to get to me, and Internet time is getting more and more rare. I apologize for the delay in the story segments........

We made several stops on that day, at which I know for fact that his food purchases added up to be quite a bit more than the $23 he was allotting each of us. I figured he was cutting in to the next month's funds himself, anyway, but I wasn't allowed to. There was still a lot of grocery funds unaccounted for from that current  month. Who knows where it all went. I figure either his sister got a good bill of groceries that month (above what I know we gave her) or he ate a lot of good munchies when he ran errands, or a combination of the two.

Fast Forward to the First of January - 

We went to the DHS office on January 2nd. He had told me the night before that he was going there when he got off work the next day and that I could ride along with him if I wanted to so I could get signed up for my own food stamps. He was going there to take me off of his card. It really kinda surprised me that he was so anxious to get this done because with me on there, the amount of food stamps he got more than doubled. Taking me off would drop his to less than half of what he was getting with me on the card, but I was okay with that, so I said, yes, I would go with him. Actually, what I was looking at the most wasn't the chance to sign up for my own food stamps, but the opportunity to get to talk to a counselor, case worker, anyone, at the food stamp office about what was going on here at home! I wanted to tell them, face to face, about my hand and get some advice, see if they could help me go get it examined, maybe. I just wanted someone in authority to hear me! Without any transportation, I have not been able to do that and the fact that, here he was, offering to take me himself, was too good to be true!

That next day after he got off work (of course he had sternly commanded that I be ready to jump in the truck the second he got home) he got out of the pickup, walked up to me (several feet between us) and started naming excuses why I shouldn't go. (I was excited that the idiot was giving me opportunity to speak with a DHS case worker in person. I guess he finally figured that that might not be so wise.). He used the 'little dog' as an excuse. (We always take him with us so a couple of the big dogs don't play too rough with him, unsupervised, and hurt him) . . . . or I could go another day if I still had stuff to do here, etc.  I ignored all the excuses and went!

Stay tuned for Part 6 of Food Stamp Saga, about our visit to the DHS office.

Thanks for stopping in and have a good day.

Signed - Betty Sue

Friday, January 27, 2017

A Hard Cold Spell and Just Some Chat

Hi, all! Thanks so much for stopping by.

It is very cold right now (what I consider very cold, here, anyway). My fingers are just too cold to type, so this will be short until at least Monday. As some of you know, it is nearly impossible to get any time on here on the weekends since the Ogre is home almost all of the weekends.

It was a very cold night last night in the tent! The kerosene heater was on and burning bright (I can only afford to run it on low), but it just wasn't cutting the cold last night. I have discovered that when it is really cold, when you need that heater the most, the fuel gets cold and it just doesn't burn worth a darn. It helped, but it was never warm. Me and the doggies, although piled high with blankets and snuggled up together, shivered all night. When I got up this morning, my water bottle that I keep about a foot and a half from where I sleep (2-liter pop bottle filled with water) was frozen so solid that I could not get a drink out of it. The weather forecaster had predicted a low of about 25­ degrees C. but it ended up actually going down to 14! Brrr...... we survived, though.

T L Ogre is being overly nice and sweet right now, acting like the "Mr. Wilson" next door, even offered me a cup of hot coffee last night (no, I didn't take it). Don't know what is up with that, but at least it is less stressful at the moment. The tone does feel very belittling, like "You poor little waif" but at least he isn't violently raging for the moment. I think "Cowboy" is the one present right now.

I had a very hard emotional day yesterday. I spent most of the day reflecting and crying. That makes me so mad at myself. He just isn't worth the tears, but somehow, I just couldn't get that fountain of water to stop yesterday, so many emotions I am feeling right now, so much hurt and betrayal. Maybe it is all part of the process, I don't know, but I don't want to cry over him. He isn't worth feeling this sick the next day, nor the wasted time of the water works. I think part of it all is the sadness of the death of all of our plans for our future, a life I had so looked forward to and was enjoying the beginning of it with him, that I now know was just 'talk' on his part, that he never intended to follow through with any of it. On that end, I feel like a fool!

All of the dogs and I got up in the tent this morning with pink, irritated eyes. The weather conditions were just right for all that burnt tire gunk to really spread around in the air and find its way into our eyes. I have to wonder what our sinuses and lungs look like today. I don't think I do want to know. I have a sore throat, too, that started yesterday. I finally took some cold medicine today, and will watch to see if the dogs need some, too.

I am hoping (and planning on) today will be a better day. I will have to spend a good part of the day trying to keep the animals warm (I so look forward to someday building a barn for them all!), but the rest of it, I think I will spend hugged up next to that heater with some kind of hand work, as long as my injured hand will allow, then some writing.

NOW, a question for my readers . . . . does anyone know of a legal and safe way to move an old, vintage travel trailer (still pulls fine) about an hour to an hour and a half away, when it no longer has a title and hasn't been tagged in nearly 20 years? I desperately need to take this 32' travel trailer with me where ever I go, to spruce up a bit and live in it. All of your input, suggestions and feed back on this would be greatly appreciated!

See you next week. Have a safe and pleasant weekend.

Signed - Betty Sue

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

WW - A Boxer Sandwich

Wordless Wednesday   My White Boxers turned my Fawn Boxer into a Sandwich! Actually, she waits until they are all snuggled in warm and toasty, then roots down into the center of them to bury herself into the warmth they have generated. 

Thanks for stopping in! Be sure to check out the Wordless Wednesday link and browse around all of the great pics! Have a good day.

Signed - Betty Sue

Monday, January 23, 2017

I Would Have Been Wife No. 12!!!

Well, if I had married T L Ogre as planned, I would have been Wife No. 12!  That was with 10 women, besides me. He managed to convince one of his exes to come back to him and marry him a second time, which was very short lived.

This count does not include the countless domestic partnerships he has been in. He has talked about them, too, often, but I just couldn't keep count. At the time, I really didn't even want to.  I got so tired of hearing about all of his exes. He never lets anything go!

The main reason I put off getting married for so long was this exact fact, I would have been Wife No. 12 (instead of one of his countless domestic partnerships, which is the statistic that I did end up being).  I wanted to be on the cautious side.  He had explained away each and every wife, saying that he seemed to be stuck in a pattern of life partner choices and just kept picking the same type, the wrong one, bad ones.  Some of the things, though, that he complained about them, I just didn't see as being a problem, (such as wanting to clean and spruce up the house a bit).  One rant after another regarding his ex-wives either didn't seem like a bad thing at all, or at least not bad enough to fight over, much less leave someone over. That was one of my big reasons for giving some time under the same "roof" before officially tying that knot.

Although life seemed to be great (I was missing all those subtle signs) there was also the fact that nearly every one of his wives left him in a hurry, in extreme anger and revenge, and several planned their leaving in secret. He just came home to find them and all of their things gone. All of THIS was my biggest red flag, my biggest reason to delay getting married until we passed what I felt was the "honeymoon" period. Even though on the surface, he doted on me and treated me so nice, I wanted to go with that gut feeling of caution. I mean, that many women just didn't leave in so much bitter angry hurt, some to the point of extreme destruction as they left, without there being more to it than what he was telling.

Yet another little caution was that his other sister (seldom seen and dubbed the "evil sister") insists that he was a wife beater.  She is adamantly firm on this!  He always said that she was lying, she hated him and wanted him to look bad, that she was crazy and just wanted to cause trouble, and many other dismissing excuses.  (Now I know first hand that she was telling the truth)  In other conversations, T L Ogre also said that this sister (L) had actually become good friends with one of his wives.  Combined with the wife beating statements he mentioned in other conversations (he did not mention these two things together), what came to mind was that maybe the wife needed someone to confide in.  I can understand that possibility even more, now, especially since he didn't even have Internet back then.  You isolate someone to that degree, they then become desperate for someone - anyone - to talk to. 

I'm truly glad I went with my cautious gut and waited a time frame before that final knot tying step of marriage!

Thanks for stopping in and listening. Have a good day.

Signed - Betty Sue

Friday, January 20, 2017

Two Month Update on My Bashed Hand

It was two months ago today that T L Ogre bashed my hand, badly injuring it. It is still far from healed and I am beginning to wonder if the damage to it is permanent. I really need to go and get it checked, I just have no way to get there, not sure where to go in this town, can't afford a bill, and scared to leave the critters alone with him while I go anywhere.

I do have some small improvements in my hand. I am able to use it some, now, but any pressure on it induces a lot of pain and tingly numbness. The tingly numbness is improving some, but there is still a lot there. At least, over the past week or so, the tingly numbness hasn't run quite all the way up to my shoulder. It has stayed more localized in my hand and wrist, with the majority of it in my hand and fingers. Just as when it first happened, when I have used it too much and the tingly numbness sets in hard, it feels like my fingers have, or are about to, blow off.

My hand draws up a lot, too, curling my straight fingers around and in to the center of my palm. This especially happens when it is tired from use (which doesn't take long) or it is cold. It happens really badly when my hand gets cold or the weather turns off colder. This really sends pains shooting through it! It is pretty much impossible to use it at all when it does this drawing up.

I have learned to use my wrist in place of my hand a lot. This creates even more pain, though, because that wrist is weak with arthritis. The extra use on my wrist makes it swell up and hurt almost beyond use. So.... I move on up and learn to use my forearm more in place of my wrist and hand. This still eliminates a lot of things I am able to do that absolutely requires a full hand with strength. Remember, this is my dominant, strong hand, too. I truly feel blessed, though, that I can write with either  hand.

The area where I am positive a bone was broken still swells up daily. Sometimes the swelling doesn't go down at all. Over the past week I have tried to knit a bit again, thinking it is time to work my hand a little more and more fine tuned. Not sure if this was wise, because the possible broken spot has swelled up the biggest it has swelled in weeks and the pain has drastically increased, again. I just wish I knew if by using it, I am helping it or making it worse. I can't even begin to express to you how far down it takes me to have one of my hands out of commission! We take our hands far too much for granted. With so much arthritis in my legs and back, I have to put a lot of weight and pressure on both of my hands to get into and back up out of chairs, or anywhere I sit. With even one of my hands messed up, it makes getting in and out of a seat soooo much harder! .... sometimes nearly impossible. Even just scooting back up in the chair when I start sliding down, is difficult to nearly impossible at times, due to this bashed up hand.  I badly injured my other hand years ago and arthritis set up in it, so this hand has had to take a lot of the load off of the other hand. Now, at the moment, getting my own self around (up and down, especially) has become extremely difficult.

The motor skills in my hand that T L Ogre bashed up are also still not functioning properly. I can't put pressure on it and anything that requires fine tuned motor skills just doesn't work, yet. It is so frustrating. Even something as simple as picking up a dog food kibble becomes a frustrating, nearly impossible task. I have to focus really hard, and make several tries to pick something like that up. Usually I give up and use the other hand. Sometimes I have to just completely give up the task at hand.

Today, at the two month mark, my hand is not cooperating well with typing. I am having a hard time hitting the proper keys and the backspace button is still my best friend on this keyboard. My hand is very slow to react, too, especially my fingers. My mind is typing away, but my hand/fingers just won't move even close to that fast. The spot where I am positive a bone was/is broken, is swelled up bigger than it has been in a couple of weeks. This is sooo frustrating! Oh, how I wish he had never hit me!!! And still today, he has no remorse for hitting my hand with that big fat tree branch. He still feels that I somehow deserved it. I have mentioned it a few times, about  how bad my hand is and how bad it hurts. He just gives me a dirty look, shrugs his shoulders and walks away. I was in so much shock that he would do such a thing to me. I was in even more shock that he had no remorse nor guilt for doing it. I was beyond shock to the point of stunned numbness that he felt I deserved it. I just don't get how anyone can be that void of feeling, and that intent on hurting others because they hurt, so someone else has to hurt, too. I truly hope and pray I can get all of us out of here before something even worse happens.

Thanks for stopping in. Have a great day.

Signed - Betty Sue

Thursday, January 19, 2017

I'd Like to Create a Farm-Style Domestic Abuse Shelter!

I know I am not alone. I know that there are other women (I use the term 'women' simply because I am a woman, I am really including all genders of abuse) out there with farms and/or multiple animals/pets that need to escape their abuser, have no where to go, and do not want to give up their animals. I mean, that is one of the reasons they chose us in the first place .... to be able to use our animals for leverage, to hold us here, to hurt us into control. I know first hand that hurting my animals hurts me far worse than actually hurting just me does. I have let myself be controlled to a degree to keep my animals safe. Having to give up our animals to escape the abuse/violence, rips us apart inside. It is like pouring salt and vinegar into our wounds of abuse. It also lets them 'win' to a huge degree, and that takes us almost, if not completely down to the bottom. Why on Earth, when we are desperately trying to get away from our abusers, trying to get out of our abusive, violent situation, do we have to add further hurt? Why do we have to break our bonds with the animals that were our rock while we were in this situation? Why do we have to further hurt our animals by separating them from us, by rehoming them or putting them down? Why do WE have to be further punished??? Further punished while our abuser sits back and sadistically relishes in the further hurt they have caused by us having to lose our animals in order to escape them. It just isn't right!!!!



I want to create a Farm-Style "shelter" for the victims of abuse with animals, to be able to go to "with" their critters, and not have to have that much more hurt in their lives by losing them. I understand their hurt and their pain. I want to prevent this type of unnecessary hurt and pain for as many as I can. Maybe others will pick up the concept, too, and reach even more that need this type of help. I am seeing, as I am visiting support groups for abuse victims (especially for victims of narcissistic abuse) that there is a growing number of abused farm women with multiple animals. I want to help that group, and any victims with animals that might otherwise need to be left behind.

To start with, I will need a large piece of undeveloped, unrestricted land. The one I have listed on this site under "Wish List" would be fantastic! I just have no way of going to look at it, much less to move me and everything there so I can get this started. I think anything from 5 to 10 acres would be great, but that 10 acres would be especially good.

Here are some of my roughed out thoughts on this Farm-style Shelter......
* large acreage that isn't too 'noisy' or out of the way, but is peaceful. It will need to be easy for business traffic to come to, but not so busy we feel hectic nor on display.

* semi-off grid  (just my thought at the moment - could be optional for the individual residents)

*use refurbished vintage travel trailers and/or tiny houses on wheels (keeps the taxes down if on wheels and small spaces are kind of cozy after all that abuse

*DO NOT set up like a trailer park, but like a small community with everyone having their own little space/yards. Not in rows or blocks, but kind of scattered.

* Gardens (flower, vegetable, fruit, and herb). Working in gardens helps relieve stress, gives a feeling of accomplishment and worth, can take anger and pent up frustrations out on weeds, eat healthier with the home grown foods.

* set up produce stand for any garden extras.

* set up a very small store close to the road (next to produce stand) to sell our handmade items, new retail items and other things, maybe a thrift store.

* set up and run a small flea market once or twice a month or so. It would help those living on the property that chose to participate to earn some money and flea market space rent to outsiders could be used to develop the farm shelter and upkeep.

* Have a small community building for the farm shelter residents. It would have electricity where those that are off grid can charge batteries, watch TV, use computers, etc.

* This would also be a great, 24/7 support group.

* As residents feel they are ready to move on, their space can be filled by yet another victim with animals needing to escape. 

These are my thoughts for now. I REALLY want to do this! I have considered a crowd funding for it, but don't want my abuser to see it. What are your thoughts on a crowd funding set up for this? I have never really wanted to use one, but it might be a good option to help get this off the ground. 

Blessings! and thanks for stopping in!

Signed - Betty Sue

He Kicked the Chicken!

A little over a week ago, T L Ogre kicked the big fat white hen! He lets most of the chickens out in the morning to free range throughout the day. Just as it starts to get dark, most of them go back inside their own house or enclosed pen, but there is always that same stubborn few that have to be herded back in.

That evening/late afternoon, he decided to put them up much earlier than they were used to. (He seemed to be in one of his high anxiety moods that day and was urgently pushing to get all chores done early and quickly). He never puts the chickens and ducks up that early, but that evening he was in an urgent, frustrated, angry stress to get them put up early and all chores done early. He has been in these "anxiety" moods more and more, lately, but this day was his most frustratedly urgent, no particular reason that I could see, that I have seen in a long while, if not ever.

Those few chickens that always have to be herded in just weren't ready to go in yet, it was out of routine. He got so frustrated because they wouldn't cooperate and go into the coop, that he hauled off and kicked the wheezy, big fat white hen in the leg!!!  Naturally, she jumped, squawked, and ran even further away in the opposite direction of where he was trying to get her to go.

He screamed, yelled and cursed at her, then he finally grumbled and said he would wait until it got just a little darker (it was still mostly daylight) and walked away.

I truly wish I had video cameras stationed all around so I could see just what all he does do to these animals when I am not looking.

What and How Many Animals Do I Have to Move?

This is the question quite a few people have asked me. One close friend didn't heed my warning about talking to T L Ogre, talked to him about the animals anyway, and landed me and the dogs another "punishment" because the old Ogre said that I was making him look bad because I was talking to my friends about him. I am supposed to stay silent and not talk to anyone. Some of my "friends" can't get this. They can't see through that sweet front he puts on and the fake scenario he puts out there to make him appear the victim, and does not believe there is any harm in speaking with him. They just can't see that that brings on further abuse for me and all of the animals around here. So I will answer that question about what animals need to be moved right here, to hopefully lessen the number of people that just don't "get it" or don't care if I have to endure further abuse.

Before I moved here just over a year ago, I had a farm, a farm of nearly 20 years with lots of farm animals. I also had begun a chicken breeding program to develop a specific type of chicken and was in my 4th year, making great progress. I also had several cats and several dogs for my much needed protection. We moved all of those animals from my farm to his, combining our farms into one and agreeably continuing my chicken breeding program (which he now says is dumb and will not allow any further progress). I am very, very attached to all of my fur and farm critters! To me, they are so  much more than just livestock. I cannot bear the thought of loosing any single one of them. Just the thought of it rips me apart, inside and out.

So, to answer the question, "What animals do you have to move?"
*  5 ducks
*  10 guineas
* 1 rabbit
*  3 goats
*  around 60 assorted chickens (give or take a few - unsure on count)
*   8 Boxers and 1 little old Schnauzer
*  quite a few cats (more on that in a future post)
*  2 small other furry friends, each in a cage

And there is your answer. There are the animals I will be moving. New pens, coops, housing, and yards will have to be built before they are moved. I have quite a bit of fencing wire on hand and a little bit of cattle panels. Some yards and pens that are the Ogre's will stay, but some are mine. This means that after a couple of pens/yards are built (temporary are fine for the moment) and the first animals are moved, the ones they are in can be taken down, moved and rebuilt. The dogs' yard will have to have an electric wire all around it so they don't try to get out in a new place. This will be very important. I am looking around, now, to see what is available in solar fence chargers. Your suggestions would be greatly appreciated on this!

Of course, this is all contingent upon finding a place to go before I am tossed out into the street (He has threatened that this week) and the funds to get that place miraculously come available.

Thank you for stopping in and have a truly good day.

Signed - Betty Sue

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

WW - Boxer Babies!

Wordless Wednesday

Boxer Babies! Brother & Sister
Aren't they adorable!?! I just love my Boxers!

Thanks for stopping in! Have a good day.

Signed - Betty Sue

Another Property Possibility

  I was so down yesterday. I still am a bit, but not quite so badly. I am trying to stay strong, but I guess it all kind of caught up with me yesterday and I had a little break down. Maybe I needed the release. I said he wasn't worth tears and I wasn't going to cry, but they just started flowing yesterday before I even knew it. I just couldn't stop them. The good that came out of it, besides the release, was a clog in my sinuses that nothing has been able to break loose for awhile, now, finally came loose and I am breathing a bit better today.

My two white male Boxers noticed instantly that I was extra sad yesterday, ran to my side and snuggled up to me and washed my tears away. They were so comforting. Problem was, though, that they snuggled up so tightly next to me in the night that I could hardly move or breathe. They are so in tune with me they are invaluable! I could never imagine them not being by my side.

I stumbled across another great possibility of a property today, too. There weren't any pictures of it, but the description was wonderful. It was kind of sad, too, as they are selling it fast and cheap due to health issues. This one is also 5 acres but just a bit more than half the price of the other one. It will probably go really fast at that price (been on the market for well over a year, but price has been drastically dropped) but I am hoping and praying that I am the one that it goes to. I have someone calling about it for me, as I have discovered this week that this phone is being listened in on so making phone calls is getting more and more difficult for me, which feels like even deeper isolation and loneliness. 

Please keep me and my farm in your thoughts and prayers for our safety and that a place to move to comes up quickly, along with the  means to move. Thank you so much and may you have a very blessed day!

Signed - Betty Sue

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

A Dark Dinner for a Bully

January 16, 2017

I am having a hard time restraining from laughing at T L Ogre in the late evenings, right now. If it weren't so darned funny, it would be infuriating, but laughing is less stressful, for me anyway.

What is so stinking funny you want to know? Night, after night, after night, he has been cooking well after dark for the past week! Tonight it was getting really late when he finished cooking his dinner, which held up feeding two of the dogs, which held up my dinner.

So, why was he so extra late cooking his dinner tonight? He couldn't find the lid to the pot he was using to cook in! I had just walked into the kitchen of the old house to wash my little cooking pot and curiously saw him frantically searching through the "pile." He stopped, looked up and asked, "Have you seen the lid yet to that stainless steel pot?" Of course I had to ask which stainless steel pot because we have a lot of stainless steel pots. He sarcastically, and accusingly, clarified that it was the same pot that he couldn't find the lid to the other day. He absolutely insists that I must know where that lid is and I am just not telling him. Geez!!  That was his cooking pot from before we got together, I have never used it. I have seen it sitting on the floor at the base of "the pile" (a mountain of kitchen stuff, trash, and rodent nests in the center of his old kitchen that he works from) but I had never used it. He threw a pretty good fit over not finding the lid to the pot, repeatedly insinuating that I must be hiding it, then bitterly and angrily finished up with, "Well, if I don't have it, it will take a whole lot longer for this to cook! (I don't know what 'this' was.)

I tried to find a substitute lid, but he said none of them fit. I have a multi-size lid, setting out in plain site, but that wouldn't do, either. Yes, it would have. I haven't found a pot, yet, that it didn't work on.

"T L Ogre, why weren't you prepared? Why didn't you plan ahead better? Why didn't you have everything you needed all laid out and ready ahead of time? It's dark now, mister! You're going to be cooking past your bedtime! You might have to cut your nightly, long, hot bath a little  short so you don't lose sleep. Come on, now, can't you get your dinner done on time?!"

That's what I wanted to say to him, a throw of his own words back at him. I didn't dare, though. He would have instantly tossed me out in the road. He had already threatened to once, today, because, once again, I didn't answer his question exactly right, exactly the way he wanted it answered.  Bullying, he gets such a power trip off of it! 

Thanks for stopping in. Have a good day.

Signed - Betty Sue

A Damper on the Possible Property

As I said yesterday, I have found the piece of property that is exactly what I need to move to and get out of here AND that I can also use to set up my business AND a place for other women in an abusive situation that needs to get out, but has no where to go where they can take and keep their multiple pets and belongings. I have just been waiting to hear back on a couple of questions I had on it (will get that today), and for a family member to go look at it in decent weather (weather has greatly hindered going to see it).

This property is it! I haven't gotten to go there specifically, but I have gotten to see many pictures of it and the area and talked with the realtor. No power or water for now, but it has everything else that I need and those items can be added as time and money allows. I don't have a way to leave or to get there. In fact, it has been over two weeks, now, since I have been able to get off of this property and that was with the Ogre.

A family member had told me that they would take out a loan for the property (asking price is $15,000) and make the payments temporarily until I get a check started. This was all set, no problem. Then this person started him-hawing that they didn't think the property was what I needed, I needed something more modern and had more stuff on it. I made it clear that it was exactly what I needed, just land, all else could be added later, I just have to get out of here (and he is pushing harder on that, now, kind of up and down - more on that in another post). So .... now this person says, "Well, I don't think I can make that payment after all. You will have to find something else, I think."  Ugh! I am sooo sick of CONTROL FREAKS!!!

To say I am frustrated and upset is an understatement! I have never felt so stuck and helpless. Dear God, please get me through this.

Thanks for stopping in and reading/listening. Have a beautiful day.

Signed - Betty Sue

Rain, Dogs, and Deception

January 14, 2017

I was on the desk computer this afternoon checking puppy messages when T L Ogre came in for a bit. The phone rang and he told me to answer it, it was probably for me. I knew it wasn't, but I answered it anyway. It was his daughter-in-law, K, down the road. Apparently it caught her off guard when I answered. She acted like I was the devil himself and she was petrified. She talked really fast and run together as she asked, "Is Ogre (she used his actual name) there? I was calling to talk to Ogre. Is Ogre there? I just needed to talk to Ogre." I said he was right here, hang on. I had a hard time not laughing at her. That phone..... it is so loud that even with the receiver up to your ear, a person across the room can hear most of what is being said. I could hear her saying that the dogs had chewed up the electric cord and now with the rain it wasn't working. He said in to the phone, "I figured that was only a matter of time" (this electric cord went between their tiny house and the building for their bathroom). I heard him tell her he would be over there in a little while. (His son -  her husband - was off on  a job out of state)

When T L Ogre got off the phone, he told me it was K, that there was a little hole in the electric cord between the two buildings and rain water was getting in it. He had to go fix it. Apparently he either forgot how loud the phone was, or doesn't know because he lied! He never said a word about dogs chewing it up. Guess he didn't want me to know that he was going to pleasantly (and quickly) go repair something their dogs tore up (dogs he bitterly criticizes), while he hates and is so mean to "ours", raging like a maniac if they tear something up. He said he was going to have to go in to town for some special tape, first, and was gone for hours, just to wrap some tape around an electric cord. the moron actually thought I was going to believe that.

The next day provided a much better answer to that charade. He may have had to tape that wire (he had first said his sister had  that kind of tape on hand so he wouldn't have had to go in to town), but his daughter-in-law posted a picture of his grand baby at her house from the day before. It appears his daughter and her baby were down visiting and the whole lot of them had to create a lie, a fabricated scenario, for him to go down the road to see them..... I've run out of words for his antics at the moment. **shaking my head**

Thanks for stopping in and have a really good day.

Signed - Betty Sue

Monday, January 16, 2017

Possible Land and Homing Puppies

Howdy, All!
I just wanted to let you know I am still here and okay. I am still on T L Ogre's property, and life is still tense, to say the least around here, but I am surviving it. It was a very busy end of the week and weekend, so that is why I wasn't on here, mostly. And over the weekend, no opportunity presented itself to get on here.

I posted my first litter of Boxer puppies on Facebook to be rehomed and the response was overwhelming! I spent most of the end of the week and the entire weekend trying to answer everyone. I think I had literally hundreds of comments and messages interested in them. I still have a few to answer (I don't want to leave anyone hanging), but I am very happy to say that the entire litter has been rehomed to very good homes! That makes me very happy! I try really hard to match the puppies' individual personalities to just the right home for them and the family they are going to, and I feel pretty confident that I did that. It always breaks my heart to see them go, especially when I get a favorite that I get super attached to, but there is just no way possible this time to keep even one. They will all be so much better off right now in a good family that can give them all of the puppy attention they deserve.

I have also found a great possibility on a 5 acre piece of land. Purchasing it won't be easy, but there may be a round about possible way. I truly wish I could go look at it myself, but at the moment, I have no way to get there and need to batten down a few more things here (if possible) before I could leave for several hours. I have a couple of relatives that are looking at it for me, and I finally got to personally talk to the realtor today with some questions. Waiting to hear back on one or two more questions I have for the owner, and for someone to walk the property a bit (it was raining too hard the other day when they went). If the answers are favorable, then it will be the one I want. It was really kind of good that we had so much rain the last few days, because this will greatly help to know what the land will look like after a few inches of rain. It wasn't good for my tent, we took on quite a bit of water the last two days in the floor, and discovered that the roof is beginning to leak a bit, but it will be worth it to see what it did to the property. The property is all flat, so if it were to flood in one place, the whole thing would. At least I did learn that it is NOT in a flood zone. Please keep this in your prayers and positive thoughts, that I have found my property and have a way to purchase it.

Thanks for stopping in! Have a good day.

Signed - Betty Sue

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

WW - Life in a Burnt Tire Lot

Wordless Wednesday 

Life in a Burnt Tire Lot

Read Story - HERE

Living In a Burnt Tire Lot

When I moved here, one of the things we moved was my 10x20 steel building with lofts. We could not find anyone to move it so we disassembled it for the move. It needed a couple of repairs, then reassembled into our tiny house.

It was the cold of Winter when I officially moved here, and time and weather did not allow to get that all done right off. We had been gifted one of those Portable Garages (Garage-in-a-Box) that came from Harbor Freight. Before I arrived, T L set it up here on his property for us to live in until our Tiny House could be assembled.

There was so much to set back up (farm and business related) all at once and it had turned really cold. We mutually decided and agreed to put the "tent" up in the dogs' big yard so that we didn't have to try to erect and heat several buildings, just one while we worked on getting our house up, then the dogs could have the tent for their own.

Well, that line of thinking was good in principle, but it didn't work that way. I know there have been a lot of questions on this subject and I will answer them all as soon as i can. Today, though, I am going to try to stick to burnt tires.

Here we are, over a year later, still in the same tent, the "house" still in pieces. The only difference is that now it is just me and the dogs in their tent. Right at that one year mark, T L Ogre bailed on us. Temporarily sharing our "tent" in the dogs' space wouldn't have been too bad of an idea, except that what he fenced in for the dogs' yard was an old junk yard! I have never cleaned up so much trash, car parts and bits and pieces of old metal and wire in my life!  Even worse than that, though, is that right in the center of that old junk yard is a huge area where old tires had been burnt a few decades back! It covers an huge area inside this yard and that is right where T L Ogre centered our tent!

The Ogre centered it right over the thickest part of the burnt tire yard! I don't know how many tires had been burnt here, but it had to be a mountain of them, judging by what the soil still looks like over 30 years later. T L Ogre didn't own it yet, then, but it was still in the family and T L knew it was here. (Family property that kept getting passed from one member to the other.)

There is no getting rid of this black gunk! It seems to actually get worse the longer I am living in it. It glues itself to everything it touches. The dust is even a black goo. The tent doesn't have a floor, so everything inside of it is gooey black. No matter how much you scrub or dust, it is right back in minutes. Initially, I tried spreading straw around on the floor. I just ended up with black straw while the dust never slowed down. There is no escaping this horrid, nasty, black, gooey, burnt tire dust!

I have been battling this stuff for over a year and it seems to just grow like slime. I go to bed with clean hands and wake up with black hands. It clings to the dogs' fur and glues my hair together. I have lost a lot of my hair to this nasty black stuff! I am now beginning to break out in strange rashes from it. It appears to be dryhing out my skin like nothing I have ever seen and greatly accelerating my wrinkles. My snot is black (and I am sure so are my lungs), what I could up is black, the morning "sleep" in the corners of my eyes is black, many times I pee black and I have a constant tire taste in my mouth. Any time I ever complained, TL just glared. He didn't see anything wrong with it. (It's just dirt.) This can't pissibly be healthy for me or the dogs. I have no doubt but that this burnt tire gunk is contributing to my chronic cough. Even my clothes turn black shortly after I have put them on. Sometimes even before I get them on.

When I finally get to move out of this nasty burnt tire lot, my skin will be a true test and challenge for the skin creams and soaps I have been creating over the years.  To get it out of the inside of my body will be a whole other challenge I have no idea for, no clue how to accomplish that.

Thanks for stopping by!

Signed - Betty Sue

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

T L Ogre Kicked the Old Dog!

"Yesterday" refers to January 5th, 2017

Yesterday he abused my oldest dog again. He went in to feed him during our morning feeding. He said we had to feed extra early because he had to take his sister to the doctor (not on work time). It was very cold, the dog is old and not in a proper dog house. Remember, the dog was used to being in the house in the winter, before I moved here, with a heater.

He screamed and yelled at the dog to come out and eat his food! The dog is not used to getting up that early, he is old, and moves slowly when he first gets up, especially if it is super cold. He finally got the dog to come out,but the dog was all sleepy eyed and looked around at the birds and chickens and all, trying to wake up. T L Ogre screamed at him, "Eat your food, you Mother Fu__ er!!! Quit looking at everything around you!!" He kept raging at the dog to eat. The dog got nervous and pranced around, tangling his chain up on a stick coming out of the ground. He raged even more at the dog because he got tangled up, jerked on the dog's chain, much harder than necessary to get the stick loose, the stick did come loose and broke free on that chain jerk (I think it was a rotten old little tree root, actually). He then kicked the dog in the front let, glanced at me and sarcastically said, "I had to get the stick loose." MONSTER!!!! 

I still can't go in my old dog's pen. He still won't allow me to. I got to that one time for about one minute to put the hot water bottle in when I INSISTED (was going to call the sheriff otherwise). Now he makes sure he does that so I can't go in with him.

He had said he ws gong to start getting up earlier and that if I wanted, he could feed the old dog before he left, then I could feed the rest when I got up. I firmly believe the attack on the old dog was a threatening display to make me get up early too, to protect the old dog, to control when I got up. I am a devoted Night Owl, and he is going to even use controlling my sleep patterns to control me. I will survive it, and justice will serve, in good time.

Thanks for stopping in and reading. Have a good day. Sorry for any typos. I will have to proof read next time.

Signed - Betty Sue

Food Stamp Saga - Part 4

The drive in to town with T L Ogre was a very silent one. I tried to make small talk a time or two to break the silence but got my head sarcastically bitten off each time. You could say something as simple as "the sky is blue, isn't it pretty" and he will counter with raging sarcasm and hate. He is full of hate 24/7, now. So I just settled into the silence.

We got into town and he asked where all I needed to go. He agreed with each place I mentioned, saying he had to go into the town nearest us on Wednesday (2 days later) and he could pick up what I needed then. In other words, he wanted to make sure he knew everything I was purchasing and had full control over it. I argued that I wanted to have everything basic I needed for the next few days since a long, hard, cold spell was coming. (He sarcastically argued that several days wasn't long, a month was long, but not several days to a week.) Again, he said he could pick those things up two days from now (cat food and dog food were two of those items, along with groceries and personal items). He just wasn't going to let me go into a store!

Then.... the grocery argument! Mind you, it was the first of the month and our funds had just been put on our card, plus most of last month's should have still been on it, also, since we had purchased very little groceries during December.  I said that one of the places I needed to stop was the grocery store, I needed to get some groceries and had my list made.

He narrowed his eyes and got gruff. He said he wasn't sure, there may not be enough, he had to check.  ...... Huh?  Not enough!?......  He said that he didn't want to spend any of this months' and maybe have to pay some back when we reapply. I said, "But there should still be quite a bit left from last month, most of it."  He was furious and went right back into his screaming rage! How dare I question the amount on the card! He screamed, "We got some and it adds up fast!"

I said, "Not that fast." (we are both very thrifty shoppers and only a few things had come home, that I knew of, maybe a bag or two full all total)  His rage built and he finally exploded that he had bought his sister a "few things" so she could have Christmas dinner at her house. He said she didn't have enough on her card to do that (She doesn't get a lot but her nephew and little great niece that live with her do get quite a bit on their card and it all goes into the household groceries - dang food stamp family, his handicapped sister does probably need it, but dang. We had already contributed 2 home grown butchered meat chickens (I agreed to two, but a third one is missing), a huge bag of sugar, a bowl of egg salad that I made, a couple dozen farm eggs for cooking the dinner, and not sure what all else)  He was absolutely livid that I dared to question where our grocery funds went! He sarcastically said that there was about $46 left that we could split for now. That wasn't even a third of what should have been left on the card from the previous month. His sister or someone got a nice mess of groceries for the past month (without my knowledge or input) and I came home with $23 of groceries. Good thing I am a stock upper.

Stay tuned for Part 5 of the Food Stamp Saga where the dollar amount on that card keeps changing.

Thanks for stopping in and thanks for listening. Have a good day!

Signed - Betty Sue

A 4th Personality I See - Little Boy

I definitely see a fourth personality inside of that big Ogre, a wounded, whiny, pouty, extremely insecure little boy. This little boy seems to be stuck at about 5 or 6 years old. I am thinking six. He is a very "afraid someone is going to tell on  him" little boy. This 'little boy' is very cowed down and scared. He is terrified someone will find out about something he did and equally terrified of what will happen when someone does find out. He is extremely afraid of what people will think of him when they find out what he has done. "If you tell, it will make me look bad." This then crosses over into the raging T L Ogre who doles out the punishment because the little boy was ratted out and made to look bad. I see T L Ogre as the protector for this little boy. Hmmmmmm, what will we name this little boy for future reference? I am leaning on "Howie". What name do you suggest?

Thanks for stopping by and reading. Have a good day.

Signed - Betty Sue

Monday, January 9, 2017

Crimeny Sakes, He's a NARCISSIST!!!!

Crimeny sakes, HE'S A NARCISSIST!!! In fact, he is, by far, the worst narcissist I have ever had the displeasure of meeting!  How did I miss this? After being in a relationship with one narcissist right after another, studying everything thing I possibly could so that it wouldn't happen again... how in the world did I end up here again? Not only did I end up here again, but this one wins the prize in narcissistic severity. He has had many wives and live-in relationships over the years, so I guess he has had a lot of practice to perfect his routine.

For those of you that may not be familiar with just what exactly a Narcissist is, or what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is, here is an excellent article that was written over on The Narcissistic Life. In fact, that entire blog has mountains of great info that all perfectly describe the Ogre I am living with. They could not have come closer writing about T L Ogre than if they had met him in person and lived with him! The first narcissist that I was actually married to for over 20 years is the passive-aggressive type. T L Ogre, beyond any doubt, is the explosive type. And as good as the first ex-husband was in the area of narcissism, T L Ogre's narcissistic abilities far surpass the ex's, without a doubt!

I have joined a Narcissist Support group over on Facebook, which, even after just one week has been a HUGE help! The problem is, T L Ogre is following me around all over Facebook and the Internet. He is still on my FB page (although, restricted), so it is hard to do anything on Facebook without his knowing. So, why is he still on my Facebook page?  Because I am still on his property. If I remove/block him from my page, he will ban me from using the computer/Internet. He is choo-choo training with passing out the "punishments".  Some punishments are simply because I won't do something his way, some are because he thinks/found out that I said something negative to someone about him (those are the biggest punishments), and some are because he gets a "fix" off of watching me suffer. If I remove him, where he can't follow me around, I will further be cut off from the outside world, almost completely. If I leave him on my page, I can't hardly communicate with anyone on the outside. Kind of makes it tough.

So, now I know he is a Narcissist, a very hard core, violent, raging Narcissist. Life here is still a living nightmare, but at least I know what I am up against. I also strongly feel that there are other disorders/issues involved. I am just not sure what those are, yet, aside from possibly multiple personalities. Input and suggestions are greatly accepted and appreciated!

Thanks for stopping in and listening. Have a good day!

Signed - Betty Sue

Friday, January 6, 2017

Dealing With This Cold Spell - Be Back Shortly

We are having a hard cold spell for a few days (snow included). It is taking all my time to try and keep me and all of the critters warm. T L Ogre will no longer help me with bedding down any of the critters for the cold spell, so it is all on me, now. My heart doesn't like the cold, anyway, but with the added stress, it is making it harder. I have to take warm-up breaks in between bedding down each few animals, and I can only heat up 2 bricks at a time on the kerosene heater. This may take hours tonight, since it is going down to single digits, with a very low wind chill.

I will be back asap with more of what is going on. I will keep writing by the heater, ready to post when I can. (no heat where the computer works) In the mean time, we have a possibility of a piece of property. Need to find out some more info and go look at it, then figure out how to pay for it. Keep this in your prayers and positive thoughts, please.

Thank you for stopping in and for you wonderful support.

Signed - Betty Sue

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Food Stamp Saga Part 3

We usually did most of our grocery shopping together, but sometimes he just let me go in if we were short on time or his foot was hurting or another necessary reason.

Then November came and he did more of the shopping. December came and he completely took over the grocery card. One time I was with him, but we were in a big hurry, he was going in to the store to pick up something for his sister and asked what we needed, too. I wasn't feeling well so I sat in the truck with the dog and watched the stuff in it so no one would steal anything. There was only time for a quick run in that day, not full grocery buying. A couple of times after that he went in to town for errands and asked if I needed anything. He made it clear we "didn't want to get much right now." I couldn't figure out why. I asked him to get a couple of things for holiday cooking and it really seemed to annoy him. He didn't get as much sugar as I asked for, only a little (I was going to make candy).

December came and went and almost no groceries were purchased to my knowledge, very few. And those 2 bags of sugar that he did bring home just before Christmas .... he took half of it over to his sister's house for Christmas cooking, so I didn't get to make candy to take for Christmas dinner. The other bag was for daily use. We were still "together" at this point. He broke "us" off on the first of this month (January) and said he was going to take me off of the food stamps and make me get my own.

On the 2nd, T L Ogre said that he had to go to the next town (where we usually shop) when he got off work and I could ride with him if I wanted to and needed to get anything. I had to pay "half" of the gas, which was actually more than half of what it took for that trip. Yep, he skimmed again. (that will be more clear in a future post). I needed several things before the hard cold spell hit, so I went with him.

Keep watching for Part 4 of the Food Stamp Saga.It's an eye popper.  It will probably be tomorrow as I am out of safe time on here, today.

Signed - Betty Sue

Food Stamp Saga Part 2

T L Ogre, on the other hand, then decided he would see if he could get food stamps. He was making decent money hauling metal and stuff when I met him, but soon after quit. He only hauled a load now and then in desperation to pay a bill. He also took an occasional odd job here and there. He has a therapeutic massage business, but that, too, became few and far between.

He finally took a job at Walmart. He felt like the pay was low enough he could get food stamps. He applied but was turned down because  he was barely over the bracket. He constantly griped about how Walmart had to be doing that on purpose, keep employees' pay just above the limit. Eventually, for numerous reasons, he quite the Walmart job and took a job with fewer hours (19/wk) and less pay (provider for a relative).

Right after switching jobs, he went back to the DHS office, applied again and proudly got his food benefits started. He said, "I've paid in for so long, it's about time to get something back! I don't feel guilty at all, It's my turn!"

As soon as I moved in here, he went right back down and added me to his card. He was happy and pleased to see how  much more we got in food benefits. He kept his  job at the low hours it was and decided not to add another patient, nor add another part-time job.

I am always embarrassed when I go to the store and have to pull that card out, but he repeatedly stated that it was his turn to get something back and it didn't bother him. He also told me I didn't need to go out and get a job, that all the money I saved with the way I stretched the food budget so well, made things from scratch, found bargains on so many other basics, and other things I did around here saved enough to be like a job. I kept complaining that I needed an income, too. He kept arguing that all the money I saved us was an income. Now I see that his thought was probably, "If she works, it will reduce our food funds." and  "I can't let her out of my site. I can't control her as well that way."

Keep watching for Part 3 about our food stamps.

Signed - Betty Sue

Food Stamp Saga Part 1

I had never been on food stamps in my life until I was grown, all of my kids were grown and I had had a heart attack. At that time I was living mostly on bread and margarine (the bread so old it is sold for animal feed) and my health was suffering. I had opened a small business that was not taking off, which put me in financial stress and groceries got very skimpy. I applied because my health was in danger.

I was on food stamps when David and I got together. He was making money and doing fine on groceries at first, but then his income dwindled. He was so down over his lack of food that I sometimes cooked a couple of meals to send home with him. A little more time passed and I ended up sharing some groceries with him every month for several months. He gladly and eagerly took them. He also eagerly took any groceries anyone helped us with on occasion.

When it once again came time to renew my food card, I decided not to. I was making a few bucks here and there, finally, and decided it was time to give them up. I had also been working on a home loan modification so long that I didn't figure I would qualify, either. I was finally off of food stamps! I was buying my groceries and it felt great! I can make a few dollars go a very long way with sticking to closeouts and deep sales. I did not intend to ever have to go on food stamps again!

Stay tuned for part 2, coming up....

Signed - Betty Sue

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

The OFFICIAL break-up, sort of.

Yep, it is OFFICIALLY a 'break up'. A couple of months ago I called it off. "I" said that we were OVER! In my mind, in my thoughts, in my plans for the future, I never faltered from that.... IT WAS OVER!

T L Ogre, on the other hand, forbid it. We were still together. We were still a couple. We were still going to get married. I could not leave. No one else cared about me. Only he did. He forbid me to change my Facebook status, or else there would be a punishment. He would not "allow" me to break it off. Now, let me tell you, when someone tries to kill my dog, when someone tries to kill or harm my cats for the purpose of hurting me, when someone whacks my hand on purpose (with no remorse) with a big fire log in a moment of uncontrolled rage (went from 0 to 60 in just a couple of seconds), IT'S OVER!!!!

I kept quiet about it and didn't say any more as I started to try and figure out how to get out of here. His raging, tantrums and abuse worsened by the day. A couple of weeks ago, in the middle of one of his senseless rages, he said that there were going to be "some changes around here the first of the year!" He said no more after that. I didn't know if that was an empty threat to intimidate, or a discussion we were going to have or what.

About that time he also started something I would call Intimidation Brain Washing. He would have a bunch of concocted stuff all saved up, stuff that wasn't true and didn't make sense, catch me in a corner or sitting down in a chair, (were I couldn't escape. He now has lots of fun with me being Agoraphobic and uses it for his sadistic pleasure) then start screaming down at me, one nonsense thing right after another. You do this!  You do that! You don't do this! You don't do that! You won't change! You won't do what I tell you! You think this! You think that! You are stupid! You are stubborn! (I admit to that one) You are stubborn and stupid because you are Polish! Nobody cares about you! Your friends don't really like you, they just pretend! Actually, most of what he was screaming and raging is actually what he is guilty of. That kind of blew my mind. He screams and rages all these things at me that he does and shouldn't, or doesn't do and should.

It finally occurred to me the other day that he was building on his "scenario" to tell people when I left and it became obvious we were no longer together. He needs to save face. I mean, eleven wives before me left him - most of them in haste and revengeful anger - and countless live-ins. He has to save face with his family and few friends when another one leaves. Some of them really criticize him because he can't keep a relationship.

Then January 1st, I stopped to sit down in a chair a few minutes (outside) to catch my breath from chores, when he came up and, once again, towered over me in a corner. The raging, screaming, tirade began ...... a verbal beating with countless accusations that weren't true, didn't make any sense, and once again, most were what he is guilty of. And of course, more drilling it into me that everything around here that isn't done, isn't completed, is falling down from disrepair is MY fault and solely, MY fault. He finished with (still in a screaming rage, but like he had just thought of it) "You know, I'm not going to marry you! We aren't engaged any more!" I said, calmly and agreeably, "No, we aren't getting married. Not a chance." He stopped a moment with a very odd and puzzled look on his face. Then he screamed, "You need to get your stuff and your critters and get out of here! You can stay on the property until you find something, but I am no longer paying for anything! I'm done with you!" He then raced into the house and changed HIS Facebook status.

It became obvious that this "break up" was planned weeks ago, possibly even longer. HE had to be the one to break it off. HE had to make a production out of it. He had to get his 'story' created and organized before he put on his show. So I am in the tent that is becoming thin and brittle, and he has made his "home" in is pick up, sleeping in the sturdy walls of the cab.

Even though he says we are "over", he really doesn't mean quite that. He refuses to pay for anything any more, he has stripped me of all of my income earning opportunities (post on that shortly), he is scouring the dating sites and porn sites (but I discovered that he has been doing that for quite awhile), he is cleaning up things he always trashes and tells me not to clean because it is wasted time, yet he keeps talking about "we this" and "we that" and includes the word "we" not "I" when he talks about the future.  Reality is, in my eyes, he has someone else on the string and is ready for the newness of the relationship once again, yet still needs the control fix from attacking me. That makes a lot more make more sense. He still wants to be "together", but he is intensifying the "punishments" because I won't comply with his outrageous demands and he gets some kind of  'fix' from this. In no time, though, he will definitely be done with me when he wants to bring his next victim here.

Thanks for listening, thanks for caring, have a blessed and happy day!

Signed - Betty Sue

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Documenting the Fence Episodes

Sometimes, documenting all the incidences is a very wise thing to do. Through all of the stress and abuse, it can be very hard to do, but it is important. I am sure I have missed a lot that I should have documented, but I realized today how important this documentation is. When you go back and read some of the things you have written down, you can often see a pattern that will give you some answers.

In the video, when I say that the dogs had been abused at the last house I lived at, I meant that it was the neighbors that abused them, not anyone at my house. I made sure their yard when we moved them was very secure just so they didn't have any opportunity to get out. I spent a lot of time the past year trying to get them over the old neighbors' antics and get them friendly and loving again. (they always have been with me) Then T L Ogre started abusing and antagonizing some of them and has created an on edge situation. I now know that some of that was all part of his "set up". This is unbelievable. I don't know if he ever really loved me, or if this is where he was going right from the start.

Anyway, it appears, from all that he said today, that he may be planning on the dogs "accidentally" getting loose and getting them and me in trouble with the law. He is so viciously twisted!

Thanks for listening! May you have a Happy New Year!

Signed - Betty Sue

I Could File for Disablity, but

I could file for Social Security Disability and have no doubt I would receive 100%. I was told by my last doctor, years ago, (actually ordered, not just told) not to ever work again and insisted that I file for disability. He said he would write it up as 100% right off. I just wasn't ready, yet, and I had also been given some miss information. I was told I could never make a penny and would be dependent on that amount. I have since found out that that isn't true. I could work/sell and earn a little, just not a lot.

I have been determined ever since, for the past several years, that I still had some abilities and as long as I worked for myself, I could work at my own pace and still earn a living. There were a lot of road blocks with that, too, and here I sit, penniless and feeling like I am being held hostage. Since that Dr. order several years back, I have also had many more health issues either worsen or come up.

I finally decided a few weeks ago that it might be time to file for that disability. As soon as I said it, T L Ogre got excited and was all for it. A few hours later, he said, "You would get a lot of back pay by the time you got it started." then proceeded to tell me how he would spend that back pay (a project that is crumbling like the house). A little more conversing and it became obvious that he, himself would totally dictate where every penny of the check would go.

As much as I could use it right now, I am thinking I still need to hold off a bit  longer on filing for that disability. I am still thinking on it, but not sure it would be wise. Then, too, there would be the problem of getting to qualifying Dr.s appointments. I would have to depend on the ogre to get me to my appointments and I fear that, too, would turn into just another control tool. This one has been a hard decision to ponder.

Thanks for listening. When I get on here and see that people have been on here and reading my posts, it helps me to not feel so alone. It is such a warm and comforting feeling! Thank You!

Signed - Betty Sue

Update on Cooking

I previously posted about not being able to cook after dark, not even when it gets dark at 5pm. I don't think that went as he had planned. I don't know how he expected me to accomplish that, but then that is what he is doing, giving me impossible to reach chores, commands, etc, then goes off in a rage when I can't meet his demands.

Over about a week and a half, we ended up getting to eat one hot meal. All the rest were really cold left overs, or stuff out of a can, like ravioli. I had even begged one day to cook some hamburger patties. We had the meat thawed out, the fire was already going, but he just said, "Oh, well. Sorry, can't help ya." But after about a week and a half of cold meals, he came out one day and threw a big, screaming, raging fit because he was sick of cold meals! He screamed that if a fire was already burning (I had been cooking dog food on it), I needed to cook us something, too. He said that it  had to be something quick cook, but he needed something hot to eat! We have since gotten a few hot meals. Not every day, but a few.

He knows how much I like to cook, how much I am missing having a kitchen, and he is now zoning in on the cooking aspect to control me, to manipulate me, to break me down. One day he says one thing, the next day he says another and I am supposed to figure out that he changed his mind. It is all part of a controllers way to keep you upset, broken down, and ready to install their ways into your mind. They are miserable people and they want you to be miserable with them.

His manipulations and controlling ways have now centered heavily around cooking and food. I will try to write and/or talk about that as much as I can in the coming week. None of it makes sense, of course, other than to break down, confuse and control. I have also had to start hiding some foods because he keeps eating up my favorite things and I have no way to get to a store to purchase any more of anything. He now makes all the grocery buying choices. I can ask for something, but he has to approve it. Ugh! Not exactly my idea of a good way to lose weight. We do still have food, but variety is beginning to dwindle and some basic staples are running low. Time will tell.

Thanks for listening to my vent. Have a Happy & Blessed New Year!

Signed - Betty Sue

Have Car, Doesn't Run

My car ..... I say I don't have a car, but actually, I should say that I don't have a running vehicle. I actually do have a car, and I absolutely love it, but it doesn't run. It was running when I moved it here just a little over a year ago, but it did need some repairs. T L Ogre parked it in the brush and there it still sits, flat tire and all. I have no idea where the title ended up in the move, either.

He kept saying he was going to fix it, but it sat for months before he took a "look" at it. By then, the engine was filled with rats' nests and they had chewed the wiring all up, so now it needs far more repairs than it did. The transmission hadn't gone completely out, yet, but it was starting to have issues. He has no intentions of repairing it, now. He just keeps saying it isn't worth it (he hates that car and hates working on it). I LOVE my car!

My car gets great gas mileage when running, and seats 6 adults plus two children. Seats can be laid down for hauling stuff. It is a really good car for me. It just doesn't take really rough roads, though, dirt roads, yes, but not roads with super deep ruts and boulders. It needs quite a few repairs because it has been so long since it has been updated, but I like it much better than newer cars and I don't think the repairs would cost nearly as much as a new car, plus the insurance is far lower than on a new car and so is the tag.

Tag.... it is now past due by about a month. We were supposed to black tag it (at least, that is what we talked about and decided on). I had the money at one point to tag my car, but he would not take me to the tag office to tag it. I had no other way to get there. (Remember, we live way out in the boonies, miles from the nearest town.) I told him that I would black tag it no matter how long it took (adding a dollar a day in penalties), that I would not be manipulated out of tagging it. But there it still sits, being used for storage, which he also throws a fit about. If I love something, he wants to destroy it to hurt me, that is the way of late. I think if I wasn't using it for storage, he would have hauled it off for scrap by now (he talked about doing just that).

As I said, I had the money at one point to tag it, but now it will cost more than double and adding to that each and every day. He also insisted that that money had to go for other things that were more urgent. He is making absolute sure I don't have any transportation of my own. He had also said last year that he was going to get me a car out of the income tax return. Nope, never happened and I don't think he ever really intended to.

You never know how much you take things for granted until you don't have them. I have not been able to drive myself anywhere, not even to run to the grocery store, in nearly a year, and months before that. The last time I got to drive myself anywhere was last February. My granddaughter was born and I and a couple of other relatives all drove together (next state over) for the blessed event. I got to be the driver! We made a stop at a store on the way and it felt soooo gooood!!! That was the last time I got to drive, or take myself anywhere alone. The last time before that was when I moved m car here. I need to be helping my mom drive around to do her errands and run to Dr.'s appointments. He does all of that for his sister, but I am being kept from doing any of that for my nearly 90 year old mom. She has to do all of that herself and hunt other people to get her to long distance appointments. It just isn't right!

People, having your own wheels, no matter how good or bad they might look, as long as it makes it from point A to point B safely, is such a blessing! Never take a running vehicle for granted. If I ever get a vehicle again and can take my own self places, it will be pure bliss!

Thanks for stopping in.

Signed - Betty Sue
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