Sunday, February 26, 2017

Reasonably Okay, But Busy

I just wanted to pop in and let everyone know that I am doing reasonably okay... just busy. I am still having problems, at times, controlling my emotions (mostly when I am alone), but I am hanging in there, so far.

I have had to spend a LOT of time the past few days trying to get through red tape, the system and all the rules and regulations in order to get to the point of contract on a piece of land. I have also spent some time looking the land over as best I could (a lot of it will have to be cleared) and talking with the neighbors to learn a bit about the area.

I will be back shortly.  Please continue to keep me in your prayers  and positive thoughts that all goes well, that I make the right decisions, that I am choosing the right piece of land and I make it all the way through closing without any more issues, that I find the pick up I need and and figure out how to acquire the funds for it, that I can find a way to get everything - my entire belongings and farm- moved successfully, and everything else that goes along with getting me and the critters out of here safely.

Thank you sooo much and have a beautiful day!

Signed - Betty Sue

Monday, February 20, 2017

No Post Time, today, but doing okay.

I just wanted to take a moment to let anyone that might be worried know that I am okay today.... hand is really sore, but nothing bad so far with the day.

I just don't have posting time, today, because I have spent my Internet time looking for a back-up piece of property. One of the issues with the property I am trying to get, might not be repairable in the time frame I have to get moved, so I have spent the morning looking at new listings in the areas I am considering moving to. I have one excellent possibility, but will know more on it tomorrow.

Have a good day, all, and please continue to keep me and my situation in your prayers and positive thoughts. Thank you and bless  you!

Signed - Betty Sue

Friday, February 17, 2017

T L Ogre is a Drunken Alcoholic!

Gosh, I'm not even sure where to start on this one. In the beginning, T L Ogre told me that in his younger days, he drank a lot, A LOT.  He said that he was young and stupid and drank to the point he was an alcoholic, he was never sober, but that he wasn't an alcoholic any more... he was now a "recovered alcoholic." That did send off a little warning flag with me, but over and over he assured me that he did not drink at all, now. He assured me that he understood that it was wrong, it messed up your life and your body, and that he would not do that again. I did always wonder, though, how he 'recovered' without any help.

On down the line he started talking about having an occasional glass of red wine with his dinner.  He insisted that it was only a very small glass once in a blue moon, because a little red wine was good for you now and then. I didn't think that a "recovered alcoholic" could have any alcohol at all, so I really wondered about this. I researched and learned that some 'recovered alcoholics' can have a very occasional drink, but not most.

At Christmas time that first year, he got a bottle of Scotch for a gift from a relative. Turned out, it was an annual gift. He cussed and cursed because it wasn't the right kind. He liked another kind better and the gift he got wasn't the right one. How ungrateful!  He said he saved it for special occasions and had a sip when it was super cold outside, to warm him up. Hmmmmmm........ For me, this was a bigger red flag. As far as I knew (I was still at my own home), the bottle did last all year.

After I moved here just over a year ago, I never saw him drinking. He held to the fact that he was a recovered alcoholic. When his daughter got married, he did break open some special bottle of extremely old and rare booze, but supposedly only had a sip or two out of it. Then one day, a few months ago, his other sister (the one he calls the evil sister) gave him a bottle of red wine that she had had about half a glass out of and didn't like. A couple times a week, he would enjoy a glass of it with his long, hot bath, until it was finally gone.

One night, not long after that bottle was gone, I came in to the old house to use the computer. I saw him bent over in the doorway of the old bedroom, and the strong smell of alcohol permeated the air! He shuffled stuff around really fast, stood up and started to try and make casual small talk, but stuttered and stammered the whole time. Busted! It was so obvious he was sneaking a drink. He didn't just openly say he was taking a swig or something, and offer me a taste, too, he had to hide it! It seems he much prefers drinking alone.

He has started bringing  home his "pay day" bottle of wine the night of pay day. It looks like it is about half a gallon of some really good quality red wine. It is always empty by morning. He is now making it a habit of getting is "pay day drunk on."  The bottles are beginning to pile of next to his tent. There are three there, now. Looks like he lied to me about all those "empties" sitting behind his little work shop. He said someone had given him the empty bottles, but they are all exactly like the empties by the tent.

The day he helped me tarp over the roof on my old travel trailer so the roof doesn't leak when it rains (until I can get the roof sealed up better-I will do that after I move it), he was so drunk he could hardly stand up! He kept stumbling all over the place and nearly fell several times. When he bent over to tie down corners of the tarp, he really had a hard time with keeping from falling over. He would stand up and complain that it "made him dizzy to bend over and tie the ropes". He never had that kind of problem before. And that wasn't an excuse for why he was stumbling around when he was standing straight up and having a hard time understanding anything I was saying. It was Saturday and he was getting his drunk on!

This strongly concerns me! What if he goes into one of his narcissistic rages while he is drunk, or at least, under the influence of alcohol? The end result could be much worse than just a broken hand. He is on an edge again. I feel, sense and see it coming on. Although filled with lies and just plain being a stupid a..h...e, he has been forcing himself to be "nice" lately, overly nice. Just sickening, but a bit less stressful and a lot less scary. Is the alcohol connected? I just don't know. He got his Wednesday night (pay day) drunk on .... then over slept by a LOT, on Thursday morning. I also noticed, though, that his "Scotch" glass was on the bathroom counter on Wednesday night. I hadn't seen that glass in a long, long time.  I checked the bottle and it is nearly empty, now.  So .... besides consuming an entire large bottle of wine all by himself on Wednesday night, it appears he also had a glass of his Scotch while lounging in his leisurely hot bath that night and Thursday night. These last two days are also when his "edge" and anxiety seemed to start building back up. I am concerned that all of this could drastically raise my danger level.  God, keep me safe and help me through this!

I will be talking to the realtor today and I am hoping and praying hard for some good news. I will appreciate your prayers and good thoughts with that as well.

Thanks for stopping in. Have a great day and a beautiful weekend.

Signed - Betty Sue

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Land Hunt Update

I thought I would take a moment to give an update on the land looking. I guess it is in the eye of the beholder as to how well it is or isn't going.  Finding the minimum of what I feel I need in a parcel of land, with my ultra meager funding, is a challenge in itself. Adding one unexpected hurdle right after another on top of that, makes it a frustrating challenge that the average person would just give up on. .... but I'm not average.

Important paperwork to the land is missing. When the realtor tries to track it down, he just gets referred to the next person, who then refers him to the next person, and so on, and so on, and so on. Someday I will explain exact details as to what exactly is missing, but for now, just know that it is something that I just won't close on without knowing.

In the search for that paperwork, another big hurdle, also with missing information, popped up. So that information now has to also be found. It would still probably be doable, it will just determine more of the property's worth/value and where and how I build on the land.

While all that was going on, the funds for the loan for the land disappeared in the mail! That was a scare, but it has finally been found and I am good to go with that, now. One hurdle down, a few more big ones to cross.

I just don't know, nor understand, why trying to get this (or any other property I have checked into) has become such a battle, such a time stall, but I just keep telling myself that there has to be a reason for it. I have to be patient and keep plugging forward. I won't deny it, I am having some serious frustration moments. I am having some  moments where it feels like I am going to be stuck like an hostage here forever.  Then someone comes along, like my youngest daughter, today, and gives me some beautiful words of support and I am able to focus again and keep on moving forward. It was strange, about an hour after she gave me some very encouraging words today, the missing funds were found! I did have to laugh once, when one of the statements she made were my own words that I used to say to everyone, thrown back at me, ha, ha, ha. Hit with my own words of advice. It worked!

Although I will follow and flow with where ever I feel I am being led, I really hope it is this piece of property that I am trying to purchase. I pray that all the hurdles get straightened out quickly and smoothly, I can close soon, and begin to move and rebuild my farm, to start life over anew, once again. Please help me pray, too, and keep me and my situation in your positive thoughts.

Thanks for stopping by and have a beautiful day.

Signed - Betty Sue

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Napping With Uncle - Wordless Wednesday

 Wordless Wednesday

Napping With Uncle

Food Stamp Saga - part 8

preface - I apologize if this sounds too wordy or jumbled. I had countless interruptions as I was writing this post.
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I got the food card and went in to Walmart. This post picks up from the last post on the January 2nd outing after we had left the food stamp office.  I only wanted to get a few basic items at that point because I wanted to make my biggest grocery purchase at discount and closeout stores in the next town.  I spent approximately $10 in Walmart for a total of about $33 of groceries up to that point for the month.  We were supposed to go discount grocery store shopping in a  few days, so I didn't get any more than that.

Forty days later, I still had not gotten to get any more groceries! If I could go, he had an excuse that he couldn't. A large part of that time, though, I could not leave because I had puppies to watch.  It was cold and I had to stay close to keep the momma dogs and other dogs from accidentally smashing the puppies in their effort of trying too hard to snuggle close to keep them warm.  We had the puppies because T L Ogre put the dogs together, then bailed on us all, but that story will be for another post series.

So over the next 40 days, I lived on the "stock up for emergency" foods I had tucked away.  Oh was I ever glad I had gone food dehydrator happy last Summer and Fall!

Of course, T L Ogre had to periodically brag about how good some of the things he was buying and eating were during the time I was getting really burned out on stale, out-dated, old tasting foods. (But I was truly glad I had them on hand) He did offer to share some bread or fruit a couple of times.   I did not like the feeling that gave me so I took a piece of fruit once and that was it.  His tone, body language and expressions all felt like he felt sorry for me and was giving me a hand out.  Something in that just wasn't right.

A couple of times a couple of my elderly relatives made the long drive out here and brought me a "care" box with a little fresh food and basic essentials.  I appreciated that more than I could ever express!

I could get T L Ogre to pick up pet supplies for me (my cost) because he finally understood that I would call animal welfare if he didn't, but not groceries.  He might have picked up an occasional item in town, locally, if I begged hard enough, but it would have cost more than where I usually shop.  I needed to stretch what I had left on that card, out as far as I could!  There were signs all throughout that long stretch that he had been to the next town over and he had been to those stores, but he never let me know he was going so he could pick something up for me.

So, I lived forty days without going to a grocery store, only got a few grocery items at the beginning of that stretch, and it had been about a month, also, prior to that  that I had not been to a store and he had only picked up a few dollar's worth of groceries (for us) during that time. I didn't like it, but it sure was an excellent test of how well I am doing with my emergency food prep skills and what I need to work on more.

Last Saturday, I finally got to go grocery shopping and use up all the funds I had left on that food card!  It was a beautiful, unseasonably warm day, only one puppy is left and big enough I could leave for the day.  T L Ogre needed to go over to that town for a few items, also, and said I could go if I helped with the gas.  I had to stifle a laugh.  He didn't  have enough gas money to go on his own!  I was still very sick and after the first two stores, realized I was still much weaker than I thought, but I pushed and got my shopping done!  And no, he would not help me load my groceries into the truck, either.  He just sat in the cab complaining that his foot hurt and he didn't have any money to get anything.

I also had to unload all of my groceries back at 'home' by myself.  My hand and knee were in agony, but I finally got it all unloaded and tucked away in storage totes.  I think I am enjoying my big box of fresh fruits and vegetables, best!  I was sooo salad hungry.  I was so thankful to have my tucked away stock of dehydrated veggies, but you just can't beat that fresh produce!

Throughout that day, as we drove around from store to store and on the trip home, he made mention of several times he had been, himself, and purchased this and that at the various stores.  I said,
I didn't know you had come and gotten groceries here." He replied, "It was when you had to watch the puppies and couldn't come." Ugh! I knew he had, I had found the signs of it, but now he had to rub it in. He had the food card with him, he had my funds on it, too, he came to the stores I needed to go to for groceries, but NEVER, during that 40 day period, did he tell me he was and ask what I needed picked up! What an azz! I could have given him at least a short list each of items those times so that I didn't have to pick mold off of my bread and cheese and all. He knew that I was having to do that, too.  He had to offer me some of his bread, instead, during that time so he appeared like he was doing something nice and sympathetically wonderful for me. Grrr.....

I really stretched the dollar out as far as I could, but I will need to still be thrifty and make it last as long as I can, as I am still at "$0" income and no longer have food stamps.  About two days before the day they told me to come back in to apply, I reminded him and asked if he could take me on that day.  He said, "No, just apply online. You can do it that way."  That will mean a phone conference, a conversation he has access to listen in on, leaving no way for me to get opportunity to speak freely with a human services worker, which, I am sure, is why he insists I sign up online.

I'm gonna be okay.  I will get through this.  I will once again earn a good income and, with that income,  I will purchase all of my own groceries where I want, when I want .... what I don't grow myself, that is.

Thanks for stopping in and for your support. Have a beautiful day.

Signed - Betty Sue

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Is It Attempted MURDER if . . . . .

I have several health issues.  Most of my health issues I do pretty well at keeping under control, but there is that occasional flare up.  Stress is one of the biggest triggers that will flare up any of my health issues.  TL Ogre knows and fully understands all of this.

Two of my biggest stress induced health issues are asthma and heart problems.  Little did I know that TL Ogre would use this against me. I never dreamed that someone that is supposed to be your loving life partner, someone that is supposed to be there for you in sickness and in health, through everything, no matter what, would use your  health issues as a tool to punish and hurt you, but that is exactly what happened.

I'm not sure exactly how far back it started, how far back that he realized that his screaming rages or even just his didn't-make-sense-verbal beatings sent me into asthma attacks and/or mini strokes and heart attack symptoms, but he did eventually see that is caused it and ran with it.  When he would go into his screaming rages, or give me one of his long winded, never ending, belittling, verbal beatings, I would start gasping for air and go into an asthma attack and/or the left side of my body would go numb from head to toe, beginning with my left hand and foot, followed by my heart flip flopping around, chest pains, shortness of breath, jaw pain, etc. Sometimes my left eye feels like someone is stabbing it with an ice pick and feel like it will never stop! I tried so hard to block him out and relax my breathing, but it just didn't seem to help. His 'attacks' were just too harsh. That mean old Ogre would see my breathing became labored, or see me start flexing my hand trying to keep it from going numb, pause a moment with a small sadistic grin on his face, then plow even harder into me with his raging.  He loved me!  Why was he doing this?!  Why was he being so mean?!

When he either just plain ran out of steam and couldn't rage any more, and/or felt that he had me sick enough that my daily tasks would be a huge struggle, he would stop and walk away with a satisfied smug, evil grin on his face.

After many of those "episodes", my left foot and leg would be so numb and heavy I could barely walk.  My leg would often buckle under me, but I had to push and get my chores and daily tasks done as close to on time as possible, or I would get another round.  I was terrified he was gong to kill me this way!!  And of course, this is when he would give me an impossible list of extra chores to do, with consequences attached if the list wasn't completed, which it was not possible to complete, so punishment(s) were/was issued.

One day, at the end of one of these episodes, I verbally spelled out what he was doing to me, to my health, and asked if it didn't bother him, if he was sorry for what he was doing to me.  His exact reply was, "I'm sorry you can't take it, but it has to be done."

What?!?!?! He HAS to verbally beat me into asthma and heart attack symptoms???? This blew me away!  Why was he doing this?? Why did he feel he had to do this to me? He was supposed to be the love of my life, take care of me when I was sick, not MAKE me sick!!

The rages and verbal beatings grew in numbers and intensity, they escalated beyond out of control after that conversation.  This is when he started getting in my face screaming, flailing his arms at me making me think he was going to hit me, putting his mouth up to my ear (while I was sitting in a short chair in the middle of the yard with no way to get up and escape because he was bent over me - more of his sadistic use of my agoraphobia) screaming criticisms into my ear until my ear drum rattled with vibrations, knowing I do not have ear wax to buffer sound (birth defect), knowing it would send me into an asthma attack and stroke symptoms.

 Yet, periodically, he would sarcastically mouth at me, "We need to get you to a doctor and get that checked (stroke symptoms), but he would never tell me to go ahead and make an appointment and if I did, I would have been punished for the bill it created.

One day, on a particularly bad day, when I just could not keep quiet after an intense verbal beating, followed by his threat to "take me somewhere to be checked", I called him on it.  The verbal beating that day had been an extra bad one.  I was having strong stroke and heart attack symptoms.  One too many times he turned around, those daggers dancing from his darkened eyes, and sarcastically half screamed that we needed to get me somewhere to get "that checked".  I was feeling really bad and had no patience left that day, so I turned around to face him, several yards between us (I had been limping away to get my chores started), and said as calmly as I possibly could, "Yes, I need to go and have this problem checked.  When I do, the doctor is going to ask me what is stressing me so badly because both of these health issues for me are usually triggered by stress.  I will be honest and tell him what is causing it.

He was furious!  Body puffed, nostrils flared, he barked, "So, I'm doing it??!?! You think I am causing your stress?!  You think I am stressing you enough to cause that to happen?!?!

I very calmly said, "Yes, you are.  When the doctor asks what I think is causing it, that is what I will tell him."  The Ogre steamed, huffed, turned and stormed off to his next chore.  He spent the remainder of the day in obvious silent rage within himself. I noticed later that evening that his blood pressure cuff had been used.  As soon as he understood, though, that I would not hesitate to tell a doctor. nor anyone else I could get contact with, that he was inducing my ill health symptoms, the screaming rages slowed down to almost a halt.  I said almost, not totally stopped.  They were; however, replaced with other "punishments".  A narcissist will not be controlled, they just shift gears and go with another avenue.

So . . . . . .  is it attempted murder if someone knowingly, purposefully, and with full intent, creates a situation or performs an act, even just verbally, that they know will cause another person to go into an asthma attack, stroke (mini or regular) or heart attack?  I firmly believe it IS attempted murder!  What do you think? I would love to hear your opinions and views on this topic.

Thanks for stopping in and thank you for your support. Have a wonderful day of love this Valentine's Day.

Signed - Betty Sue

Monday, February 13, 2017

Another Clutch of Eggs and Just Touching Base

Howdy, all!
I don't have much time today, so I just wanted to take a moment to let you all know I am alright. Still sick, had a set back over the weekend, but improving again.

I found another small clutch of eggs a couple of days ago. They were so big and beautiful! I kept my mouth shut this time, lol. There were half a dozen. I put them in a carton and promptly put them in my "kitchen dresser" in the tent, no word about them. Pretty sad when you have to start hiding food. Funny thing though, he never did take any eggs to his sister until today, then asked if it was okay with me first. No telling what war would have started if I had said no, and I had no reason to say no, so I half smiled and said yes, no problem. Dang, I must have really scared him with my disapproving face the other day, over the eggs. It's just eggs.  He had also recently started counting chickens, though, and realized that about 90% of them are mine, lol. I figure, my chickens, his feed, we split them. No problem on my end. Split the eggs, I mean, not the chickens.

I FINALLY got to go get groceries over the weekend! The old Ogre had to go into that town for a few things and said I could go with him, if I split the gas, of course. The last puppy is spoken for, waiting for pick-up in a few days, it was a very, unseasonably warm, sunny day, and the little fella (puppy) is finally big enough I could leave for the day. I spent ALL of the food funds I had left on the card and hopefully it got me enough groceries for a month or so. I REALLY stretched it out as far as I could.  I am so happy to finally have some fresh fruits and veggies!!!  The day wasn't without its stresses, which I hope to get posted in a near future post, but it is done and over with, it could have been worse, and I have a stock of groceries and basic supplies. Still need a handful of things, but I have the bulk of what I needed. I just didn't realize how weak I had gotten from being sick and after the first store or two, I was really pushing to get the rest of my list, but I wasn't coming back without it all. On the way home, we went through a lot of brush fire smoke, which followed us home and kind of settled down in this valley, which set my respiratory infection back a bit, but I am once again, improving today.

I caught him in so many lies over the weekend, in just everyday, random chit chat.  It was lies that were so stupid, entire concocted "stories" even. Why would he do that? It is a narcissistic thing. They feel that if they know the truth and the person they are talking to doesn't, then they hold the control ... they get a control fix from it. Grrrr...... I just  kept listening quietly and wondering how much of the chit chat the past 5 plus years was all lies just like these over the weekend. Really kills my trust in anyone, anymore.

I better go for now. It has already been a long morning, I need to cover stuff up before the rain gets here, and he will be back 'home' any time. Thank you so much for stopping in and being supportive. I will try my best to get some more posts in this week. I have made so many eye-opening discoveries lately, and I want to get them documented.

Have a great day, all!

Signed - Betty Sue

Friday, February 10, 2017

A Clutch of Eggs

I found a clutch of eggs yesterday evening.  The chickens hadn't been laying much over the past month or so, so eggs have had to be somewhat rationed, used sparingly.  I need more ducks, they kept laying. :)  Anyway, the chickens are free ranging during the day, so finding eggs is like an Easter Egg hunt everyday.  Even we grown-ups get really excited when we find one!

Just before I found the clutch, we had about a dozen and a half eggs on hand.  The half dozen or so  had been aged a bit to be boiled for quick snacks and salads (they peel easier if they have aged a bit before boiling), so this left only a dozen eggs for the two of us to eat on.  They are starting to lay again, but we have been getting only one here and there.  The eggs are becoming my main protein because I haven't been to a grocery store in over a month, and T L Ogre eats bunches of them, so we use a lot when we have them.

I told T L Ogre about the baker's dozen eggs I had found and showed them to him (he asked where I found them). He went and looked at them and instantly exclaimed, bright eyed and excited, "Good! My sister is really needing some eggs! She will be glad to get some." I must have made a disapproving face, because he stopped, mouth dropped, then stuttered and stammered, "Well, I know we need some, too.  It is always good to have a few on hand . . . . " I just said, "Uh, yeah." and walked away.

I don't mind sharing with his sister, when we have it to spare, but his obsession with making sure she has everything first, and the best, has gotten beyond old!  I tried to be patient with it all at first, she is handicapped, but his desire to fall all over her, to make sure all of her needs are completely met before anyone else's, even though there are other people living in her house (one a young male adult), has gone far beyond 'normal'. I can now see why other 'wives' were bothered by his time and attentions with her, and why snide remarks about their 'relationship', are often made. It gets to be very strange, on his end.  From my end, she appears to be the only woman he really and truly cares about (setting aside his daughter, of course).

Right now, as I write this post, I am thoroughly enjoying my 3-egg mushroom and cheese omelet that I cooked from the eggs I found, laid by my chickens, cooked on top of that old kerosene hater.  Mmmmmmm, so good!

Thanks for stopping in and have a great day!

Signed - Betty Sue

Food Stamp Saga - Part 7

During all of the Ogre's process at the Food Stamp office, another worker called me to her window.  She asked what I needed.  I told her but she said that since funds were already on the card, I couldn't apply for myself until the last day of the month. So, no money to my name and only $23 spent on groceries for the month. (yep, good thing I am a stocker upper when I find bargains!)

What made my heart fall the most was, I didn't get that chance to talk to a worker in person.  The stocked up food will hold out for awhile, but I wanted to seize the opportunity.  I was able to slip the worker a small slip of paper with the web address to this blog on it.  I sat back down to wait on David, but, as I said, he had just finished, also, and proudly strutted out to the truck.  At first, I thought he had gone out to get something he forgot or needed, but then saw that he was sitting in the truck so I went on out.

He looked puzzled, put his phone down and asked, "Finished already?"  I told him what she had told me.  He said, "Well, I guess we will split what is on the card, then."  He also had a bag of chips in the truck (which he offered me some of) that were from a store we had not been to and he never mentioned he was stopping at, so that was more groceries - munchies - he purchased above that "limit" he had given me, because I had already seen him purchase his limit, as well,  yet my share was only going to be half of what remained on the card. His share did not include all the munchies he has been purchasing, nor anything that he has purchased for his sister. He still took half of what was left on the card.  So greedy!

He mentioned about three other stops he had to make and asked if I needed to stop anywhere else.  I said no, not specifically, but if I could use the card, I wanted to get a few grocery items at Walmart when he made his stop there. (He now approves when I can and can't have the food card. He uses it whenever he pleases.)  When I asked for the card for Walmart, he got hatefully sarcastic, "I guess you can!  I can't get anything right now! I can't get anything until I can find a place to store it! I don't have anywhere to put anything!"  (Most of our food is stored in totes outside or covered over with tarps.   He has 45 acres and a house that is crumbling. He could find somewhere to store his food!  He had just recently, adamantly, tried to get me to move our food from outside, back into the heavily rodent infested old house before it all freezes.  He said the rodents would destroy less than a freeze (that didn't make sense and was opposite to him wanting it all outside in totes and tubs away from the rodents, and with no heat in the house, it freezes in there, too.  The food is mostly all outside because he had said to put it there and often got angry because I wasn't gettting the stored food outside fast enough, away from the rodents. I needed more weatherproof totes! Actually, I needed him to quit being lazy and us get going on the food storage building we had planned to have built by now)  Such manipulation and balance tilting!

Since I have lived here, the rodents in that house have destroyed hundreds of pounds of food, yet he had just recently raged at me to put all of our food back in that nasty old house.  He's crazy! He just can't make up his mind!  So, he insists I put our food supply back in with the rodents (I refused), grocery money is unaccounted for, he gave me a tiny spending limit, I find multiple signs that he is purchasing and eating his food when he is away from home and out 'running errands', it sounds like he tried to keep me from knowing the money on the card this month stuck, and HE refused to put HIS food in that rodent infested house! Sounds to me like he intended to not only starve my animals, but me as well!  Manipulation at its finest!  It's that "greedy little first grader pitching a fit because HE wanted the biggest "cookie"" type thing.

If you set aside the danger and frustration, he is hilarious!

Part 8 coming up shortly.  Thanks for stopping in and have a very good day.

Signed - Betty Sue

Thursday, February 9, 2017

A Strange Morning Visit

This wasn't what I had planned to write today, but this morning's occurrence bothered me so much that I decided to write it out now. It will be a bit long, so what I had planned to write today will have to wait for another day.

I didn't get much sleep last night. Although I am steadily making small improvements, I am still real sick and still have no voice. Actually, I am finally up to Bull Frog status today. 😊 I was up and around a little more yesterday, then had the extra work of bedding down critters better for a 20 degree freeze. (I will be so glad when I can get out of here and set them all up properly.)

I was beyond extra tired by late evening and my hand was more numb and painful from the cold and extra work, so I went on to bed earlier than usual. I may as well have stayed up and done some reading or writing!

That poor old kerosene heater, if it makes it through to the end of this Winter, it will be a blessing! It just would not cut the cold last night.  Some nights it sweats us out of here and I have to get up and turn it off for awhile.  Not last night.  It got really cold in here.  With the added body heat of most of the dogs, I did keep it above freezing in the tent, but it was hard to sleep for shivering.  I let the dogs snuggle for some extra warmth, both mine and theirs, but they would either snuggle too tightly or steal my blankets, both of which kept waking me up.

I am drinking a lot of extra fluids to try to shake this bug, so of course, every time I finally got settled in good and just drifted off to sleep, Nature said it was time to get up and go tinkle! This led to the dogs stealing my "warm spot," so I had to coax them all off of "my place" and start the process all over again. I love my dogs, and I am so glad I have them to protect me and keep me warm, but they are sooooo going to get their own house and bed and me mine when I move!  They do have their own bed, they just think they need to keep me warm and safe, instead.

So, daylight comes and I finally drift off into a warm, deep slumber.  All the dogs were finally settled in and sleeping hard, too. I was having nightmares, but I was finally sleeping. All of a sudden, I sensed something and woke up.  At the same time, Big Dog lifted his head up and started low growling.  T L Ogre was in the tent and quietly standing at the end of the bed about a foot away from my feet! 

Still laying down, I tried to shake the sleepy off and and in my froggy voice, over dog growls, asked what was going on.   He said (more of a mumble) he had hollered at me to see if I was ready to feed the dogs, yet, but I didn't answer so he came in to check on me. (I am learning that when he mumbles, his isn't quite telling me the truth.)  Something in all of that isn't right.   I am usually up by the time he finishes his morning chores and he hollers at the fence to say he is ready to go feed my dog I still can't get to, so I get the food out and ready for all the dogs, then he goes and feeds Old Dog while I feed the rest.  I was tired and he was an hour earlier than usual because besides work, he had errands in town again, also. But this still didn't make sense.  Not only did I not hear him, but neither did any of the six Boxers in the tent, nor the two behind the tent!   None of them knew he was there until I stirred, which woke them up.  When he stands at the fence and hollers to ask if I am up and ready to feed dogs, a few of the dogs (not the lazy one, lol) usually run out to greet him, excited it is feeding time, and Old Dog in the back pen really barks excitedly in anticipation of some food and human contact, but that didn't happen this time.  NOT ONE DOG heard him supposedly call to me at the fence!

The gate is also noisy.  I can't open it without at least a little rattle, and, again, the dogs always hear it.  Then he had to get through the layers of fabric of our "curtain" door on the tent to come inside the tent.  That fabric makes a bit of a rustle, yet the dogs didn't hear that, either.  It sure was a creepy feeling waking up from a sound sleep to see him staring down at me.

Most of the dogs just looked at him puzzled, but, as I said, Big Dog started growling and barring teeth.  Momma (me) was sick, laying down, asleep, and that monster wasn't coming near her!  Other male dog (Big Dog's son) started to growl, too.  After a couple of "shhhh" from me, he stopped and just stayed tense and ready.  Not Big Dog, though. His growl increased.  He has watched the Ogre hit me, hurt me, rage at me, up and close, over and over, not to mention attack and hurt him, too, and he did not want a surprise visit from that monster! I think he felt the same weirdness to the situation I was feeling.

T L Ogre was becoming irate that the dog was snarling and growling at him.  He started to raise his voice to criticize the dog and say how dangerous the dog was.  The dog growled harder and made a lunge at the now irritated Ogre. I made a grab for the dog's collar (gotta get new, stronger, collars the second I can get to a store) and I had to hang on to him tight while the Ogre yelled about the snarling dog and explained he was about ready to feed dogs and had to leave earlier today.  He also, though, sympathetically said, "I'm sorry you didn't get any sleep. That stinks.", then shot dagger filled glares at the growling dog before he left the tent, making the dog lunge again.  He mumbled something about how that dangerous dog needed to be in better control.

T L Ogre went and did his last chore while I got up and got the dogs' food ready.  By then, I was completely up, the dogs were ready to eat, we were back in routine form, and although cautious, the dogs were all tail wagging okay with the old Ogre being in their yard.

I do not believe for a minute that T L Ogre yelled at the fence, "as usual" to see if I was ready to feed the dogs.  He also knew better than to sneak up on the Big Dog.  I think he was practicing one of his "stealth moves" and he is also still setting me up for yet another "event" to attempt to prove to someone" that my dogs are too dangerous to exist.  He hates them because they protect me from him. He can't abuse me like he wants to, physically, verbally, mentally, because the dogs won't allow it,  because they protect me from him.  I won't let him kill them, so I think he is still working on setting up an alternative.

UPDATE:  Since all of this morning's events occurred.... since I started writing this post, it has come to my attention that, before T L Ogre left for town, before the surprise visit in my tent, he had searched around for a "local to f--k today" before he went in to town to run his "errands."  I thought it was kind of strange that he was doing an extra day of errands this week, and that he was short of money when he has cut me off of everything and should have extra money.  I literally feel like puking, except that I spent a good part of the morning with dry heaves, already, so I am trying hard not to. As I said, his searching for a piece of trash to stick it in happened just BEFORE he came into my tent this morning. Now I am creeped out more than ever by this. Not sure I even want to know what it all means.

Thanks for stopping by and have a beautiful day.

Signed - Betty Sue

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Boxer Secrets - WW

Boxer Secrets

T L Ogre Hates His Momma!

T L Ogre HATES his mother; not just a little bit, but with raging, extreme passionate hate. I didn't think too much about it in the beginning. Any time we were discussing our families, he would mention his mom from time to time. When he did, it was always in a negative way, but not really with any major anger.

In the beginning, he also often, said that I reminded him a lot of his mom. I never really thought much about it, in the beginning, because he usually said in it conjunction with her being an economizer or trying new small business venture ideas. Then, I took it to mean it was a good thing. I think that is how he wanted me to take it, too.

As the years have gone by, and our relationship has progressed, he has spoken more and more about his mom, always in a negative way. I have only heard him say something nice about her once in the 5+ years we have been together. He has also continued to say that I remind him so much of her.  I finally started wondering, "If you disliked everything about your mom, then why did you chose a life partner that reminds you so much of your her?" I wanted to ask that question so many times, but I never could find just that right moment to ask.

Now, keep in mind that his mom has been deceased for quite a few years, now. She was gone long before he and I even got together. He will tell you, with great anger and hate that she died from a hospital mistake(s).  He is still, to this day, bitterly angry that "they" screwed up and took his momma away from him, yet, in the next sentence, he will tell you about how no good she was.

T L Ogre says his Momma was crazy, clinically crazy. He has never given a mental diagnosis, just says she was crazy. Everything (in his eyes) that she ever did was wrong, mean, over protective, crazy, nuts, unfair, anything in the realm of bad. He now speaks of this with narrowed, glaring eyes, wrinkled forehead, clinched teeth, and deep, angry voice.

Over the past couple of years, especially the past year, he speaks of his mom more and more and more .... always in a bitterly, angry, hateful tone. EVERYTHING reminds him of her! We will be just standing there, talking about something small, just everyday chit chat, things like how fast the grass is greening up, the flowers popping up, need to head for the store, anything, and it will bring to mind a bad memory about his mom, sending him into a teeth clenched, bitterly angry, ranting rage. His rage against his mom might go on for just a few minutes, but often continues for up to an hour. He then appears to be upset and angry with her for the entire rest of the day.

He never lets anything go about her. He constantly brings up the same tiny little things that she did, over and over and over and over. He hangs on everything that she did that he didn't like, stupid, simple little every day kid things, many things that I didn't consider a bad thing at all, but basic mothering, and to this day he just won't let go of them, not even something as simple as cleaning off a little scrape. You can be doing something as simple as picking something out of the garden or cutting up vegetables and it will stir up a memory of her, sending him into a screaming, ranting rage, nostrils flaring, skin graying, breathing difficult . . . . total hate filled anger at his mom!

Nope, I don't think that my reminding him of his mom was a good thing at all!; yet, I do think that that is why he chose me as his next partner, because I DO remind him so much of his mom. I am her substitute.  Hindsight... don't we wish we could have it as foresight?!

Thanks for stopping in and have a beautiful day!

Signed - Betty Sue

Monday, February 6, 2017

Feeling Sick Ramblings

I am having one of those feeling 'numb' days. I am very sick, so just kind of "blah", too. I had what ever was going around, then it turned into a bad upper respiratory infection, so I am all medicated up for that (home remedies), which all heightens my feeling down and frustrated feelings. I am trying s`o hard to focus on the brighter side of things, but some days it is so, so, SOOO very hard! As I said, I am sick, so this post may sound like a lot of babble.

TL Ogre is being overly "nice" on outward appearance right now. That is still a manipulating tactic. He is all nice and sweet and helps me with something, then makes a subtle, under toned nasty remark and shoots those daring eyes at me, like 'I was nice and helped you, if you say a word about that remark, I will toss your azz out in the street!'.

I keep having things disappear, dishes mostly, ones I really like and enjoy using. If I ask about them, he will lie and say he doesn't have them, all the while getting total satisfaction from that Narcissistic Fix of making me do without something I needed/enjoyed and from the lie (which gives him the control of being the only one that knows the truth). The Narcissistic mind is a very complicated one, but once you get a grasp on their thinking patterns, you can sometimes guess what they are up to so you can protect yourself, to a degree, from their wrath. You really never truly know what is coming next, though.

There is a "feel" around him, right now, that is making me very nervous. Not even sure how to describe it... a look in his eyes, how he holds himself, how he moves, tone in his voice.... just a 'feel'. He is up to something. He still has plans of more fallout coming. It is mostly facial expressions and a look in his eyes, a steely, pondering look.

I needed some medicine for the dogs and puppies. I finally got him to go get it, because he needed to go in to town for some things, too. It turned out that I also need another type of medicine for them, but I have no way to go get it, and he would not go back, not even if I paid for the gas. He doesn't need anything else from the store, so he sees no reason in going. I am having to use a home remedy and hope like everything that it works. It isn't real serious at the moment, but it could become that way, fast, without the proper medication, and it is  holding up rehoming the last litter of puppies. He refuses to go back to town (about 5 miles or so away) until his regular day on Wednesday. Yesterday, when I needed him to go, was Sunday.

He is doing a lot of work around the yard, now, (things that we had talked about doing but he never would do with/for me) and he is making sure his butt crack shines bright while he works away! Most of the time about half a foot of that ugly thing shines up out of his britches, with him making no effort to cover it up. Even when he is just a foot or so away from my face, he makes sure that moon shines brightly! Does he really think he is stirring up desire with that thing? Nah, it is disgusting... both seeing it and the fact that he is so eager to flash it at me. He sure is proud of it!

I guess I have random blabbered enough for today. I will try to write more focused and centered tomorrow. Have a good day, all!

Signed - Betty Sue
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