Saturday, December 31, 2016

Fire Wood

As I said in the last post, T L Ogre was heading up in the woods, today, to cut firewood. For us? NO! His handicapped sister was almost out of wood again. This will be the third time this season that he has cut firewood for her. One time he cut up wood off of her property. The first time and this time, he is cutting up our wood to take to her. My elderly mom has been wanting a rick of wood to keep on hand for a possible power outage so she could still cook (she is total electric). She has been wanting this for nearly two years, but he has yet to cut her any. It could have even been a Christmas gift for her, but isn't happening. She does so much for us, but nope, no wood for her, just his sister on the next property over.

The first time he cut wood for his sister, I was out of cook wood. He did NOT bring me any good wood back. He did finally go gather up some cruddy fallen limbs for me to use, but not any good, quality wood. Today, I am out of cook wood again. I have a few small pieces, but not nearly enough to build a fire to cook anything on. I also need a fire to melt wax so I can get some candles made for light in the tent at night.

In a couple more days, we are supposed to have a really bad stretch of weather ... snow, extreme cold, possibly freezing rain. There isn't much time to gather up any cook wood nor make candles. We will see if he brings me back any wood, too. I really hope so.

Thanks for listening to my vent. I hope that you have a great night and your year ends well and the new one begins beautifully!

Signed - Betty Sue

Sick Again and a Gun

I got sick as I started to go to bed last night (actually, about 3am). This is my second bug (virus) in a week. My resistance seems to be unbelievably low right now. I am not getting to go anywhere, yet I am still catching everything. One my way out to the tent last night, I started getting really dizzy and queasy. I got things in order around the tent, the dogs settled in for the night, and started to go to bed myself. The dizziness grew until I was about to pass out and the queasiness was horrible.

I finally made it into the bed and tried to lay down. Every time I tried to lay down, I got so dizzy I felt myself passing out and sat up quickly. How I kept from vomiting, I have no idea. The urge was ultra strong. I sat totally still, bundled up in blankets and snuggled up to my hot water bottle. I kind of made another little tent over me with blankets and the hot water bottle in the center.

Finally, little by little, I was able to lay down and rest a little. I snoozed off and on through the night, so I am very tired today. I am still queasy, only slightly dizzy, more congested than usual, and chilling like I am running a fever. Pretty positive I am running a fever.

T L Ogre came in the tent after he got his chores done, around 9:30.  (I have no idea how long he had been up), but I thought I had heard him go into the old house to use the computer about an hour after I headed for bed.) He had a big frown on his face because I was still in bed. I struggled to get up and told him that I had been really sick all night. He said in a gruff voice of a stranger that didn't know you, "I'm sorry to hear that." then  "Are you ready to feed the dogs? I need to get up in the woods this morning."  Not an ... are you okay? or .... What was wrong? Just an "Oh, well" attitude.

We got the dogs fed and he was cross and snappy the whole time, not as bad as usual of late, but still cross and snappy at every little thing. After we got the dogs fed, T L Ogre came back to the tent and just stood in front of the tent for several minutes with an hateful, pondering look on his face. Finally, he lifted his head up and said that he was going to get his gun (pistol) out of the tent and take it on in the house. And then, the verbal beating and story concocting began......

Everything he said started with, You, You, You, You, You.... You are always to blame. "For some reason you don't like that gun in there. For some reason you are uncomfortable with that gun in there and I have no idea why. He then went on to hatefully argue all the good reasons why we needed a loaded gun close by when we sleep. Hateful and guns do not go together in my book. Biggest reason I was uncomfortable with it in there, he has grown more and more full of hate since the gun was put in there, and he often acts quickly before he thinks. So YES, I was uncomfortable with that big, loaded pistol in there.

He went on and on and on criticizing me for being nervous about having a loaded gun in the tent. Then ... he compared guns to the dogs!!! Like a little child he whined, "You have all of these dogs in here. (I had those dogs when I moved, and the yard they are in was built for them) Dogs are just like a loaded gun, only you can't control when their trigger might go off. Dogs go off and "shoot" whenever they want, you can't control that. At any moment, just because they want to, a dog can pull his own trigger. They stay loaded all the time. And you might not be able to stop them.  A dog is MUCH more dangerous than a gun!

For crying out loud! The man that is obsessed with guns, knives and other types of weapons, is whining that he is scared of dogs! Not just my dogs, all dogs!  He can't get that if you are nice to a dog, if you never provoke a dog, it isn't going to "shoot" you. It will be loyal to you. But this isn't what this is all really about.

What actually is happening (in my opinion) is that he is creating his scenario, his 'story' if you will. He knows that I don't want to be here anymore, he knows that I am trying to find a way to leave, and he may be building up to kick me out (I strongly suspect that will happen any day, now). Before any of that happens, he needs to have a "story" ready to tell people, a story that will make me look like the monster. I have noticed that for about the past week he has been working on concocting this story. He can't possibly look bad. He has to create something that will make me look bad and him the victim. I see now that he has done this with his past wives. The "story" he told about each one of them that left always left me with questions. The stories didn't quite make sense. They now make  sense, and I can clearly see that they, too, were the victims. They nearly all left in anger and extreme spite. I can now read in between the lines of every story that he told about every one of them. Now I see that all these senseless things that he is saying to me, about me, my critters, my belongings, all the untrue and ridiculous things he has said to berate me and confuse me, are to create that "story" he will tell when I leave, the one where he is once again the victim, where he just keeps picking women that turn out to be all alike, a man user that is crazy and he has no idea why they went nuts and left with so much spite. He is running scared now, scared that he will look bad to his family and handful of friends because another one left, because he can't hold a relationship.  He wants to make sure he makes me out to be the villain and destroys me if I leave, destroys me FOR leaving. That is how I see it. It makes all the senseless make sense.

Signed - Betty Sue


As you saw in my last post, T L Ogre won't allow me to change my Facebook status. (or another punishment will ensue)  He considers us still 'engaged' and wants the status to stay that way. He still thinks he will get me to marry him. OR  He says that even if we don't get that 'piece of paper' that officially says we are married, he considers me his 'wife'.

BUT . . . . I have just discovered that he is surfing around on dating sites! Looks like he is already lining up his next victim. I am not jealous of anyone that might be, I am worried about her. I am angry, yes, and very hurt, but not jealous. I just don't know who this guy is any more. He certainly isn't the person that I fell so hard in love with, not even close! My Honey left and a total mean, nasty, twisted and hateful strange moved in.

He considers us engaged, he considers me his wife, he doesn't want me to leave, yet he is surfing around on the dating sites. What next?!?!

Thanks for listening to my rant. I just needed to get some steam and hurt out. Gotta go get to bed, now. It will be morning shortly and he will be back in here on the main computer searching around those sites again, especially since it is Saturday. Have a good weekend!

Signed - Betty Sue

My Facebook Status

My Facebook status is still set on engaged. I no longer consider myself engaged (nor any kind of romantic involvement with him) any more. I want to change it, but, quite shockingly, he still considers us engaged! T L Ogre still thinks we are going to have some kind of life together. He thinks I will realize how 'stuck' I am here, agree to his terms (controlling, dictating demands) and life with him will go on.

Everything he used to love so much about me, he now abhores. I just don't get it. All the things he loved, made him smile at me, laugh with me, dote on me, enjoy together, is now greeted with anger, hate and rage, yet he still wants me to stay and marry him!  *shakes head*  It's crazy! I just don't get it. And how can anyone turn so sharply on someone, apparently overnight? I mean, you are laughing and thoroughly enjoying each other one day, then the next day, they deeply and bitterly hate everything about you? They just, wake up that way, even though nothing happened, nothing changed.

I am NOT ALLOWED to change my Facebook status. I am not allowed, to take the "engaged" status down ..... or there will be yet another 'punishment' of some kind. Get this....he says if I change it, it would make him look bad! That is one of the first things I will change the moment I am out of here.

Thanks for stopping in and thanks for your support.

Signed - Betty Sue

A Way to Help Me and Others

Besides helping myself get out of this nightmare of a situation, I also want to help others in similar situations as well. I want to turn this big negative into a positive! I want to create another option for women trying to escape their abusive situation, besides just grabbing their purse, so to speak, and running to a shelter.

I won't exactly say it is time for some change, but I will say it is time to quit accepting that as the only option and create another option. Women still will need a lot of help getting an income going, counseling, I am sure, and a few other things, but there needs to be another option besides just a shelter. I want to create that option!

Please take just a few minutes to listen to the video below. At this point it probably sounds like a lot of rambling, but I really think I have a good idea building. I would love to hear your ideas, suggestions, and input in the comments or in an email, which ever you are more comfortable with. In the video, I think I left out my thoughts on gardening for victims of domestic violence as well. A place to garden would be great not only to eat healthier and cheaper to help build ourselves back up, but it is also great therapy, as well. Living on a piece of land like that would be a great place to give opportunity to release a lot of pent up anger, frustrations, hurt, etc. I will add to this idea as time allows. Thanks!

Thanks for stopping in and Thanks for listening! Have a good day!

Signed - Betty Sue  

Friday, December 30, 2016

How We Heat our Tent

Over the past year, several of you have asked how we heat our tent, don't you get cold, are you warm enough, why don't you use a wood stove, doesn't all that kerosene get expensive? and many more questions about our heat source.

YES, all that kerosene gets expensive! And YES we do get cold! Sometimes I get so cold that I shiver so hard my heart flip flops. We can't even begin to afford enough kerosene (nor the person that is buying it for us) to keep warm. We have to conserve it. If it is 30 to 35°F or above, I don't get to use heat. We just bundle up with blankets and I put bottles filled with hot water in the dog beds and in mine - heated bricks on the exceptional cold nights. I am definitely learning survival techniques! The kerosene heater does make the center of the tent warm, and takes the hard chill out of the outer edges of the tent, where we sleep.

There is a way we could have wood heat, unlimited, and be very comfortably warm as much as we want. But T L Ogre won't do it. I have explained this in the video below. One thing I forgot to add to the video was that, besides having acres upon acres, here, of firewood, we also have permission to go into a closed down pallet company and take all the pallet wood we want. Lots of it is cut into short pieces, ready to toss into a wood stove. Much of it is also 4x4 hard wood that would burn for a long time..... no trapsing around all over the acreage to hunt and cut firewood, just drive in, load wood, and leave. It also helps them clear out their lot. But no, can't do that, either.

I am VERY cold natured, T L Ogre is VERY hot natured. This is just another control tool for him that he very much enjoys inflicting on me. I will survive it, I will learn from it, I will escape this madness (with all of my fur and farm babies), and we will be warm and toasty in the winter from now on, some way!

Thanks for stopping by. Thanks for your support. Have a wonderful day. And remember, if you have never been in similar shoes, you could not possibly fully understand what I am feeling now  how strong my feelings are, so please, don't judge.

Signed - Betty Sue

Thursday, December 29, 2016

My Oldest Son's Birthdahy

Yesterday was my oldest son's birthday. He is in his mid 30s. I had to celebrate his birthday in silence as T L Ogre has firmly forbidden me to EVER talk about him again.

Just like everyone else in the world, my son, LL, isn't perfect. He has had far more than his share of troubles and 'learning' experiences. At the moment, sadly, LL and I are not on speaking terms. I try to keep up with him through other family members, to be sure he is okay, (right now he is reasonably okay) but I had to quit trying to hold him up for now, there is just a lot of other things that goes into it. He has an addictive personality and currently has a serious problem with alcohol. I don't approve, so that makes him angry. Anyway, I do love him very dearly and pray a lot that he will wake up and get his life together a bit better. There is such a good person inside of him that got lost.

One day last month, T L Ogre was in the midst of one of his all day, every little bit violent verbal rages. He was spewing venom over every little thing he could think of and laying down new rules, one right after the other. It was getting mind boggling because he was bringing up things that we hadn't been talking about and I had no idea he felt was a problem, but there he was, raging on everything under the sun and laying down the law on so many things that I didn't even have a clue was a problem. Then, out of the blue, he screamed in a red skinned rage, "And I don't EVER want to hear you talk about your oldest son, LL, again! NEVER!!!" Huh? What was he talking about? He saw my puzzled look and rage on, "Your son, LL, NEVER, NEVER, EVER, talk about him again! Just let it go, forget about him! I have GOOD kids. MY kids are good! NEVER let me hear you talking about your oldest son, LL again!"

This is my son! My first born child! I love him with my whole heart! He isn't perfect, but no one is. We all make our mistakes, then mommies hope and pray they get back on track. He is my son, I carried him a full term, felt him moving around inside of me, snuggled inside of me, was ornery inside of me when he didn't like the way I was sitting (I still smile and giggle on the memory of that), and such wonderful memories of his growing up years. As a young adult, we were very, very close. This is MY SON! My oldest and first born! To tell me to forget about him, to let him go, to NEVER, EVER talk about him again, is far beyond cruel and heartless! This hurt far more than anything else T L Ogre has done yet to me. This was probably the biggest determining factor in my firm decision to leave this monster as soon as I can figure out a way. It is also proof of the ogre's extreme desire to pull me away from my family and friends into deeper isolation.


Signed - Betty Sue

A Very Rough Day

It was an extra rough day, today. T L Ogre seems to have a huge conflict within himself, a brewing storm, and he doesn't know how to handle or control it. This makes him even scarier and feels much  more dangerous. Even the dogs today, quickly picked up on the difference and were a bit nervous. They did a lot of low grumbling every time he started to come near me. Even though he has been raging at me very similar to tonight's rage, somehow the dogs told me that it was different, more dangerous. The dogs paced back and forth while three of them huddled close to me in a circle of protection. It was very strange, to say the least. This really concerns me, in more ways than one. I just don't know what to make of it. Maybe he drank again and they smelled it on him. I wish I had the answer. Actually, I just wish I WAS OUT OF HERE!!! Out of here with all of my farm and business supplies in tact for a fresh, new start.

The following is a recap of some of the day's events:

Thanks for stopping in and listening.

Signed - Betty Sue

What I feel like I need.

What I feel like I need right now may not be logical, but it is where my mind is at right now. What I don't need is to feel like anyone that is trying to help is actually trying to further control me. It may not be what is intended, but on this end, the help offered often feels to those of us in an abusive situation, like we are simply switching controllers. It's hard. At this point, we have nothing left, no way out, no trust left in anyone, and are way over cautious.  It feels like those that do step in to help are taking advantage of our situation to have their turn at controlling how we live our lives. We need out, but it is hard to let anyone help.

In an ideal world, what I feel like I need right now (I said ideal world) is a piece of land (5 to 10 acres, maybe), this old travel trailer sitting here moved to it with the few little repairs it needs done, temporary but secure pens put up for my critters (cats, dogs, chickens, couple of little goats, ducks, guineas, rabbit, ), a giant truck to move the mountain of my belonging that did get moved here from my flooded, illegally foreclosed house last winter (it was a farm with 4 storage buildings full) - put all piled on pallets covered over with tarps and let me start sorting, deciding and carving my life back out again. (I have supplies for more than one business in the piles of belongings that were dumped here in piles. Oh, and of course, a team of helping hands and someone to drive that truck. That would be pure heaven right now! Electric isn't even a priority right now so long as I can get out of here, but a well would be nice. So would transportation. And I would love to share that kind of place with a couple of other women trying to get out of a similar situation and want to keep their pets, belongings, kids, etc all together.

Okay, I am rambling again. I just need a good, hopeful thought to hold in my head to help me get through these days that are escalating faster and harder out of control. Thanks for stopping in and listening. He is saying he is going to ban me from the Internet, so I hope I can get back on here.

Signed - Betty Sue

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

document, document, DOCUMENT!

Besides needing to vent and have a place to talk, say what I need to say (I am supposed to listen quietly to all of T L Ogre's venom without saying a word back or it gets even rougher), and just get it all out, I am finding more and more the need to DOCUMENT all that is going on.

He tells me what I am thinking (not correct at all), he makes up all kinds of untrue stories, manipulates and sets me up for failure to make me look like I did something horribly bad, stretches and twists things until his stories are so far from what actually happened that it isn't even close to the truth, then sneers and says, "You can't prove it!" Document ... I desperately need to document all that is going on so the truth is written somewhere.

There is just so much going on so fast, that I can't even begin to get it all written down, not even if my hand wasn't injured. He is escalating faster and trying to take me down even harder and faster. He knows that I don't want to be here anymore, and he is setting things up so that I will be the one that looks bad when I leave. I know the truth, though, and that is what matters to me.

For my own protection, though, and the protection of my animals, I do need to document as much as I possibly can. The dogs, for example, aren't doing the things he says they are. He provokes them, and, they are getting really upset at seeing the way he is treating me. His verbal, raging attack on me tonight had several of the dogs pacing and hunkering. He says they are mad at him for no reason (sounds like a little kid). The truth is, they saw him hit me with that big tree branch and every time he rages at me, they are afraid he is going to do it again. They were raised to protect me, and that is what they are doing. He hates that and is trying to get such a rise out of them that he can 'eliminate' them. I won't lose my babies because he is abusing them and me!

To those of you that have even the slightest thought that you might be in a domestic abuse situation, I strongly suggest that you document all that you can, but make sure it is hidden where your abuser cannot find it. You may some day need the documentation.

I guess I am  just kind of rambling tonight. It has been a very rough one and I am feeling very alone. Thanks for listening. Thanks for stopping in.

Signed - Betty Sue

Wordless Wednesday - Found Beauty in a Dismal World

Beauty can be found in even the most dismal of places and circumstances. Just look around you. Nature is full of good cheer! Wordless Wednesday

Signed - Betty Sue

Busted Hand and Bulging Eyes

I said I would eventually give you more indepth details of the night my hand was busted, and here it is. I went with video on this one because it was just too long for my aching, tingly hand to type out. His rage that  night was some of the most extreme I have seen. He went from calm to extreme rage in a matter of seconds. It tells me that he has no problem with keeping me "in line" with physical abuse, now, even if it might permanently disable me. He gets more and more comfortable with each and every "attack" on me, be it physical, emotional, verbal, or on one of my critters. This is very concerning, as I can't (and don't want to) imagine what will be next.

Well over a month later, I am still having much issues with my hand. The numbness just won't subside. Today the ends of most of my fingers on that hand are numb and tingly, reaching most of the way up my arm to my shoulder. He has no remorse. He doesn't care. He still holds with, "You should have moved your hand." and "I figured you would have moved it." He cuts no slack on my list of chores. Actually, he helps me even less with the things he used to help me with and has increased what is expected of me. He is getting annoyed that my injured hand is slowing me down.

I truly hope the damage to it isn't permanent. It is my dominant hand. I need BOTH of my hands. This stinks!

Thanks for stopping in! Please keep me in your prayers and positive thoughts.

Signed - Betty Sue

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

A Calmer Night, Another Person?

It has been a much calmer night. A bit strange, but calmer. I will take every calm moment I can get. No, things aren't any better, just different. Yet another "person" inside of my "Honey" surfaced tonight. He surfaced once a few months back and I had almost forgotten about 'him'. So, who is he?

This 'person' is very calm, mannerly, polite, laid back, and speaks with a strong southern accent and a very heavy drawl. His 'voice' is more nasal than "Honey's" or T L Ogre's and the tone is a bit different as well, not as deep as T L Ogre's, and not as high pitched as Honey's. He likes to just casually 'shoot the breeze' converse, like he was an acquaintance, but not quite a friend. It is very strange. He thanked me for dinner tonight, like he was someone that I had spur of the moment invited in for dinner. Kind of threw me.

A few months back was the first time I had seen this personality. We had gone in to town (a couple of towns over) to run errands and get supplies. As usual, we were coming home late at night. When we finally got out on the highway, we started to chit chat as we drove home. He talked as I described above and acted like we were casual acquaintances. He had NEVER done that before, not in that way. He acted like he barely knew me and I was just someone riding along with him as he drove home. Again, he was very relaxed, laid back, and had that strong southern accent and heavy drawl. I remember asking him if he was okay. He looked puzzled and said, "Yes, why?" This isn't, by far, a bad personality, but not someone I would have fallen in love with and joined into a relationship with, either. Again, this is totally mind boggling!

There may be yet a fourth person in there, but not just real sure yet, or if T L Ogre is just that broad. I will let you know more on this seldom, more calm personality as time goes on . . . . if I still have power and Internet by then, that is.  I keep finding myself wondering if all of these "personalities" know each other?.... know about each other? Do they like each other? Do they approve of each other? Do they like some better than others? Do they like one but hate another one? I guess I need to name this one, too.  I have never experienced this before.  Does anyone know anything about this?

Signed - Betty Sue

Beyond Sick and Twisted!

T L Ogre's mind is going in some very strange and twisted places, now. He has made some "off" jokes in the past, a bit on the 'twisted' side, but not too bad. But that, too, has now grown beyond reality. One way is, he has become obsessed with a--holes, in a very sick and twisted way. What is really scary is, he thinks of these things in such an instant.

Here are a couple of examples:

I was in the tent changing my shoes. Someone in my family had gotten a pair on clearance and when they finally got around to using them, discovered that they weren't their size, but mine. So I was happy to get them. They had one of those plastic "hanger" things on them. T L Ogre looked at it and instantly said, "OOoo! An a--hole anchor!"
Huh??? He repeated it as he picked it up and explained, hand motions included, "An a--hole anchor, for a--holes so bad that you need to shove it in (great hand and grunting verbal expression, here), give it a tug to anchor them, and tie them down." He elaborated a little more, played with the hanger a little more and laughed at is own "joke". That wasn't funny! That was SICK & TWISTED!

Later that same day, he went to fill up the kerosene heater. He was getting frustrated with the new fangled spout on the gas can. He finally grumbled, through clenched teeth, how much he hated it. He exclaimed, "I hate these new spouts! They are almost impossible to use! They must have been invented by someone that was thinking about playing with their a--hole with it. They probably sit around all day with it in their a--hole, shoving it in and out and moving it around in there, having a good time!"
I want to puke! How does he think of these things? What kind of mind looks at an object and thinks of such things so quickly and with such expression as he speaks about it?  This concerns and scares me even more than the raging tirades and the physical abuse.

Anyone have any insight on this? I would like to hear your insight and/or opinions in the comments or you may also message me. I am going to go throw up, now. I will catch you next time. Have a good day.

Signed - Betty Sue

He Speaks His Own Language

T L Ogre has his own language. The words come out in English, but they often don't mean what they are supposed to mean. Sometimes, things he says will have a different meaning from one time to the next. It is one of the craziest things I have ever seen! If anyone knows what that is all about, I would love it if you would share your knowledge and insight on it in the comments.

Here is an example:

I was inside our "yard" (in our living area) and heading for the gate. (makeshift gate that is very difficult to open) I was almost to the gate when he walked up and asked, "What are you up to, now?" I replied, "I was just heading out the gate to go grab those racks." (wooden trellis that I have to lay over the bed to keep the dogs from laying on it during the day.)

That's it, that is all I said, in a calm, every day voice, "I was just heading out the gate to go grab those racks." 
The raging, violent, verbal tirade began! For nearly the next half an hour, the screaming, yelling (to the point of vibrations), raging, name calling, belittling, degrading, threat filled tantrum ensued. I was mind blown! I had no idea what I had done. He kept screaming that I didn't answer him right. I didn't know what else I could have said, nor how else I should have worded it.

Finally, teeth clenched, skin darkened, eyes spitting fire, he loudly commanded, "When I ask you, What are you up to, That means, Are you about ready to feed the dogs, yet?!" He then repeated it. I was so stunned and confused I was speechless, so then he accused me of giving him the 'silent treatment.' He finished with, "You aren't communicating with me! We can't get anywhere around here if you don't communicate right with me. You need to learn how to interpret what I am saying to you!" .   .   .   .   .   .  huh?

This has happened multiple times, especially that past couple of months. It is mind boggling. I never know when he states a sentence, what it is supposed to mean. I have no idea if I have deciphered it correctly and all will be well, or if I guessed wrong and another raging, verbal tirade or another "punishment" is coming. I have never seen anything like it, have you?

Signed - Betty Sue

Monday, December 26, 2016

Deeper Isolation Coming

For awhile, now, T L Ogre has been using threats to have this and that disconnected as one of his methods to control me. His threats don't make sense. The reasons he gives aren't logical. I guess he thinks I will think they are logical.

He keeps threatening to turn off the Internet. He keeps telling me that I need to use the Internet to make money, but then he sabotoges all of my efforts to do so. In other words, he wants to turn the Internet off to further isolate me, but he needs to make it look like I was a bad girl so he HAD to turn it off. He also said he will turn it off if I don't tell him first, what I talk to my friends about online. An example .... one day he had gone off into one of his extreme violent verbal rages. I was so upset, and the vibrations of his raging voice went through me so badly that my heart was jumping around all weird and the entire left side of my body began to go numb. I have told him that when he does that, that is what happens to me, but he doesn't care. Actually, he rages even harder. Anyway, one day it was particularly bad and I needed someone to know how I was physically feeling (the phone was out of order where he works so I couldn't even reach him if I wanted to) so I posted on my Facebook page how I was feeling, but not why. A numb left side of your body is not a good thing and someone needed to know I was having problems.

My friends jumped on it, they were obviously worried about me, and trying to get me to go to the ER immediately. (Oh, and I had also been left with a chore list that was impossible to complete, which I had to push through the numbness and get as far as I could through it). When he came home that afternoon and saw that I had talked to my friends about how sick I was feeling, he came unglued! Needless to say, I had to endure another screaming, laying down the law, or else verbal beating! He said that if I EVER posted something again that I hadn't told him first, especially about my health, he would disconnect the Internet! He INSISTED that I go in right then and post that I was just fine, now. Ugh! If I didn't, he would have the Internet turned off. I was forced to lie to my friends to keep from being further isolated.

Since that day, he has gone into several rages for the sole purpose of threatening to disconnect the Internet. I would think that he would miss it too much, but then I forget, he could probably use his sister's Internet when he was working at her house. He is definitely trying to further isolate me. Now he is planning on going even a step further.

Although we are totally off grid in our living area (where our tent and fenced in yard is), we do still have a little bit of electric (a few outlets) inside the old house on the property, mostly in the old office. This is where our phone is (that doesn't work without electric), our computer, Internet, and where we charge our phones and batteries. Well, now he is threatening to have ALL of the electric cut off, too! THAT would finish cutting me off completely with the outside world.

The electric bill for this month had come in the other day. It was quite a bit higher than it usually is, but still, under $100. Something had really added to it this month. I could come up with three things.... a little crockpot in the old bathroom that we keep going to keep the pipes from freezing up, a little bit bigger light bulb in the chicken brooder because we had a hard cold snap (actually, he remembered that one), and, the hot water tank is electric. Over the past month and a half to two months, he has started talking long, hot, soaking baths, almost every night. He had taken one now and then to "soak" his sore foot and leg in a soak solution (salts and essential oils), but  now he just seems to think he needs to take a long, hot, soaking bath nearly every night (at least, until the tub finishes falling through the floor). He fills the tub up with hot water, soaks, dumps it, repeats about three times total. That's a lot of hot water! I promise you, this REALLY has added to the electric bill. He has that hot water tank set to nearly boiling hot.

He insists that the hot water tank isn't running it up that much, that it must be that little crock pot or the brooder light. He is firm that if the next bill that comes in is higher than the usual, the electric is going off! You see, we got some low income energy assistance for the past two months (winter months), so we didn't have much of a bill, but the next one we will have a full bill. So what does he do, tonight? He heads in to take his usual, long, hot, soaking bath, with all the hot refills! He said as he went in, "Guess I better enjoy it before I have to have it turned off." What?! Are you kidding me?! THAT is what is going to get it high and make him turn it off! He is setting it up! He is personally running it up so he CAN have an excuse to cut the electric off, rendering me completely cut off from the outside world, which I am sure is the actual purpose.

I am trying not to be scared, but this is really concerning me. When this happens, I will be without transportation, phone, Internet, NOTHING. I am concerned about him reaching yet another level of violence and me not being able to contact anyone. This is not good. The look on his face tonight appeared to be one of pure satisfaction, when he spoke about having to have the electric turned off. He says, "It is time to take that next big step to going off grid."  I don't even get to get out to go to the grocery store any more (where I could slip someone a note if I had to). He has recently also taken over all of the grocery shopping. I don't think I want to know what this is leading to next.
Keep me and my critters in your prayers, please!

Signed - Betty Sue

The "Boiled Frog" or "Frog in the Pot" Syndrome

I saw in the news this morning that George Michael had passed away yesterday (Christmas Day) in his sleep. That is far, far beyond sad! It was such a shock. He was only 53, just one year younger than me.

I feel so old right now. I am just so tired and worn down, but then I see something like George Michael passing away and I think, "He wasn't that old! He still had a lot of living and singing, and life to enjoy!" Then I realize, "Hey, wait, I am just a year older than him! ((I)) still have a LOT of living left to do, too! What happened here? Why am I no longer doing all the things I so love and enjoy?

It's that "Boiled Frog Syndrome".  You have all of these things in life that you love sooo much! You have your set ideas about what you want, what you want to do, what you want to accomplish, where you want to go, where you want to be, what you enjoy doing in your free or down time. All these things make you 'happy'. 

Then came along "Honey" (now referred to as "T L Ogre"). At first, he 'pretended' to either like all of these same things and dreams that I liked and/or wanted, OR, they were things that he said he would love to explore and learn to do them with me as I learned about the things he loved and I was unfamiliar with.

In the beginning he showed a lot of interest in all the things I was interested in. As the years went by, though, little by little, he subtly began to pull me away from all that I so loved. I absolutely adore music! In little bits at a time, I quit listening to music when he was around because it started appearing to bother him. As time progressed, he gradually increased his annoyance with any kind of music, until I recently realized that music was no longer in my life. (Anyone that truly knows this, would never believe this would have ever happened!) I don't even own a working CD player any more! We used to listen to music on the radio in the vehicle, but that, too, eventually disappeared. Today, I am listening to George Michael music while Mr. Ogre is at work (paying my respects) on the computer as I type. Gone are the days of playing music as I go about my daily chores, boogieing around, dancing like no one is watching, and getting my chores done so much faster! Even the dogs are more upbeat and happy when music is going and I am rocking to it all day. Life without music is depressing!

The same has held true for so many other things in my life. . . . dancing . . . hand work . . . . flower gardening . . . . gardening my way . . . . enjoying time with my family and friends . . . . .sprucing up the "home" (he considers that wasted time) . . . . . picnicing at the lake or park . . . . . sitting down to enjoy an occasional movie . . . . . enjoying an occasional local event . . . . . . and an array of oh, so many other things in life that I truly enjoy .... things that make me, ME.

It is the Boiled Frog Syndrome. These "abusers", from the very beginning, stick us in the pot of cold water, then ever so slowly begin to 'bring up the heat.' You don't even notice what is happening until one day, you wake up and all that you love is gone and you are sitting there, isolated .... hostage/prisoner in your own home, feeling totally "dead" inside because all the things you love most are no longer a part of your life and you just aren't sure when it exactly happened. Most people think, "That would never happen to me!" but it happens so subtly. You give a bit of it up here and there, to keep peace, to "make it work" because you love so much about him that you are willing to give up "little bits" of the things you love, then one day, all of those "little bits" have added up to NOTHING LEFT.

I miss ME! All of the things I love, all of the things that I enjoy, all of my dreams, desires, goals and plans for the future .... those all go together to make ME. I miss ME and I have to, once again, get ME back! The shock of the news report that George Michael had died in his sleep from his heart, realizing that we were nearly the same age, thinking about my own heart issues, gave me a wake-up call. I may be feeling old, but then I see someone else my age and think about how much life they hae left to live and how young they still are. ((I)) am still young! ((I)) still have a LOT left to live! But as long as I stay here with T L Ogre, ((I)) am gone! ((I)) am as good as dead. Nothing I love or enjoy will ever be enjoyed again. Nothing I want to accomplish will ever be accomplished. None of my dreams will ever have a chance to possibly come to light. It is time to go. How? I have no idea, but somehow, I WILL! I WILL be ME again! I jumped out of the boiling pot! I am ME again!

I think that is adding to some of T L Ogre's rages and punishments right now. I realized what was happening and "ME" woke up and stood up for myself, as I started to try and climb back up this ditch he threw me into. My strength not only angers, but scares him. It confuses him and I can often, of late, see in his eyes that he just isn't sure what to do next. I am not reacting to his control methods and threats the way he expects and he doesn't quite know how to deal with it. This could easily make things much more dangerous for me and my critters, but it could also buy us some time. I just have no idea. But I am going to go with ME, the stubborn, determined, ME, that is NOT going to let him kill the ME in ME.

Please keep ME and my critters in your prayers as I diligently work to try and figure a way out for all of us. . . . . a way out with a fresh, now, beautiful start in life. Blessings to you all!

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Merry Christmas!

This is a scheduled post. I won't be able to get online Saturday or Sunday (Christmas Eve nor Christmas Day).  I wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, though.

Things around here are continuing to get worse. He has another BIG ONE he brought up last night to take me even further down. I will explain that one after Christmas is over. I will fight it with all I got, but that isn't much. Criticizing me and belittling me is in constant, periodic doses all throughout the day. Somehow, I will escape this madness! On the positive, somehow I WILL escape and move on with life. He never will be able to. The madness is within him and he is stuck with it so long as he things he is perfectly sane and right. And that is sad, but, sad as it is, I don't have to stay and live with it. I can, and will, move on with life.

Anyway . . . . .


signed - Betty Sue

Friday, December 23, 2016

Reviewing my Pattern of Past Relationships

I have spent a bit of time the past few days reviewing my pattern of past relationships. I have concluded that I have a serious problem with my choices of men that I get into relationships with. I don't know if something in me is drawn to men that are controlling and/or abusive .... or if there is something in me that draws them to me. It just doesn't matter any more. I am DONE with permanent relationships! Time to live MY life the way "I" want to live it, without any man trying to stop me. I just have to figure out how to get out of this one, first.

Here is a video with a little more about my review of my past relationships. Thank you for stopping in. Comments are always welcomed and appreciated. Have a great day!

signed - Betty Sue

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Dinner Rage and Attempted Dog Abuse

Last night was just so wild, my hands are super cold, and the hurt one is cramping and making typing very difficult, so I resorted to a video for last night's events. TL Ogre was raging, screaming, criticizing, ranting, etc., so hard that he didn't even make sense. He made all  kinds of accusations against me that were so far out that I didn't even know how to react, which made him rage even more because he said I was being too silent. He has TOTALLY lost it!

TL raged, criticized, name called, and more, all over a dinner he said I did not cook, when he stood there watching me working on it before he went in to take his nearly 2-hour leisurely soak in the tub. He also tried to make my old dog do without any heat in sub freezing weather. He can do what he wants to me and I will take a lot, but I WILL NOT allow dependent animals to suffer!

It was just too much to write, so here is the video, raw and uncut. Time just does not allow for that right now, sorry.

A Very Drab Christmas!

This has to be the gloomiest, most drab Christmas I have ever experienced! T L Ogre doesn't like Christmas decorations! He HATES Christmas lights, so we have none up. He HATES Christmas decorations, so none are up. He prefers not to have a Christmas tree up, so, so far, none is up. I asked and he is using the excuse that I am allergic to cedar trees so we can't  put one up. My artificial trees are still packed, who knows where. I said that just a dead stick with lots of twigs off of it would be fine with some decorations. He said, "Maybe." That probably means "I need some time to think of an argument against that one."

He also HATES Christmas music! How can anyone hate Christmas music! I asked to play some on the computer last night while we ate. He said that  he would go outside and eat by himself if I did. I won't do without Christmas music, too. During the day while he is gone, I sing Christmas songs as I am doing my chores around the place. I am sure I sound awful, but the dogs and chickens love it! LOL

Late at night, when I am still up a bit and he has gone on to bed, I listen for at least a half an hour to Christmas music on the computer (where he can't hear). It really brightens up my day! It helps my day end well, no matter what happened during the day. Just wish I still had a CD player and could enjoy them all day outside while I worked. I am just thankful that I can listen to some and remember the words to some. I will somehow enjoy this Christmas no matter what it brings.

signed -  Betty Sue

This Property Might Be Great!

I don't recall ever being to this town. (the one closest to this property) Passing through it, maybe, but not in it. It is another county and would be a fresh start, but still driving distance to my mom to help her when needed.

This piece of property (from online view) looks like it would be great! I have no idea how I would get it and get it a little more ready to move onto, but you have to have something in your sights to start off in a direction. Just the short road cut to it would be enough for me right now. It would be great for not only me, but to share it with a few other domestic violence victims that want to get out with all of their pets and belongings intact and need a place to be able to unwind a bit. I will be checking into it a bit more, and some other places. I just can't go look at them in person.
I have such a great idea centered around this property (or one like it) that would help not only me, but several others like me. Please keep me in your prayers and thoughts on this. If it is meant to be, it will happen.

10 wooded acres

T L Ogre is like a Yo-Yo right now. He is either way up on the raging, or way down low and full of sweetness. I think he is just trying to hold it together until after Christmas so he doesn't have to explain anything at his family's house for dinner that day (Christmas is ALWAYS spent at HIS family's. He gives NO other option.) It really stinks! I am just taking it one day at a time.

Signed -  Betty Sue

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Momma Can't Play With Me Anymore!


See post before this one.

NOT Allowed to Pet my Old Dog!

This will take more than just this one short post to explain so you can get the full concept of it all. I will write what I have the time to, and my hand will type before it gives out, then I will try to finish the rest in a voice video soon.

We have 3 male Boxers, Son, Dad and Grandpa. Son and Dad get along great. They are in the same yard together with only a minimal spat on occasion, no more than any two little boys would do, probably less. But Dad and Grandpa are another story!

Dad would have probably gotten along fine with his dad (Grandpa), but Grandpa thought other wise. Grandpa was my first male dog and considers himself the alpha male dog. Dad (his son) has always been the front yard dog (protection for me in the front and back yards when I lived alone) so he also feels like he is the alpha dog. This was all fine at the last place I lived because I had a very tall, secure fence for Grandpa and all was well, just some grumbling through the fence now and then. Now, jump ahead a bit.

I moved here to T L Ogre's place. Mr. Ogre built the fence for the dogs before we moved them. It is a low fence of cattle panels. To save on time, I will just say the fence was not built secure enough to keep the two male dogs apart. Grandpa dog made it over the fence and into Dad dog's yard a few times, hurting Dad dog pretty badly. He went over the gate, which rattles when it is messed with. Not even 3 levels of electric fence would stop him. Grandpa dog had to be chained (breaks my heart!). That was supposed to be temporary, with a long run set up for him soon after so he could get into his good dog house (5x6 insulated building). That still isn't done, he is still on a chain month later. He does have a smaller dog house where he is chained, but it could be better. He had NEVER been chained before in his life! He was used to having a huge area to run and play in.

The two yards are actually one very large yard with a divider fence in the middle. The gate is in the divider, the ONLY entry into Grandpa dog's yard. Most/all (varies from time to time) of the female Boxers are in Dad's yard (also our yard and where the tent is). Dad dog feels the need to protect all of us (dogs and me) from that "monster dog" that keeps jumping the fence and attacking him. (Grandpa dog LOVES all people! He loves to make new friends that will play with him and has never even attempted to harm anyone).

Every time I try to go through the gate to go play with my old Grandpa dog, Dad dog rushes to the gate (the "rattle of the gate" triggers his memory of the attacks on him) to protect me from that old dog and I can't get through the gate to my old dog without Dad dog trying to get in to fight him to protect me. T L Ogre held Dad dog a few times and 'let' me go in with Grandpa dog to play with him and update wormer, deflea stuff and all, but he will no longer do that. If we had just done that together for awhile, they would have settled down and gotten used to me going in there. But no more!

T L Ogre now says that I am no longer allowed to go in the yard with my beloved old dog until I "train" Dad dog to 'let' me go in there (by myself). He says this with bitter anger and rage! T L Ogre has taken over all the feeding, watering, etc. of my old dog. I can see Grandpa, I can talk to him through the fence, but I am not allowed to feed him, touch him, play with him, pet him, cuddle him, NOTHING! From the beginning, I wanted to put a gate on the side or back, one that went directly into Grandpa dog's yard, but NO! T L Ogre won't put a gate in on the side or back and won't allow me to. Dad dog is simply protecting his little "family" of dogs. Grandpa dog loves the other dogs, too, and wants them  in with him. The two yard/pens should have never been put butt up against each other.

My old dog, Grandpa, has been with me since he was 6 weeks old. He slept with me, went every where with me, was my little buddy and side kick for a long, long time. As he got big (and started chasing the cats), he got his own big yard and huge dog house and I spent time each day playing with him and cuddling with him. He also was used to being inside in his own room in the extra cold weather. Now I am not allowed to even so much as touch him, much less cuddle with him. THIS ABSOLUTELY BREAKS MY HEART BEYOND WORDS! It tears me all up inside and it does the same to Grandpa. He is so very sad and just can't understand why I won't come in and play with him any more. He just begs and begs for my attentions. My animals are definitely being used to hurt me. It hurts far more than if the ogre just beat me instead, and he knows that. Grandpa dog is getting old and gray. His days are slipping away and we can't enjoy them with each other. He is sad and hurting and I am sad and hurting. I hope and pray I can find an answer to get us all out of here and together safely before he is gone so we can once again enjoy some cuddles and play together. No matter how hard I beg, T L Ogre holds firm... No gate on the side and I can't go into Grandpa's yard unless I can do it without help by teaching Dad dog to 'let' me. This has been the hardest of all of this yet, it is hurting me more than anything T L Ogre has done, to me, yet, and T L Ogre seems to be VERY pleased with himself on this!

signed - Betty Sue

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Nobody Gives a DA N!

It was the night before our hardest freeze yet this season (last Friday night). I was working hard trying to get all the critters warmly bedded down. It was time to feed the dogs. I sat down to catch my breath and TL Ogre came up to see if I was ready to feed the dogs yet. He asked what we were feeding them (Meaning, "Did you get any homemade dog food made today.")  I told him we were feeding them "cookies and milk" tonight because there was just enough dog food for in the morning.  (We had to go out of town in the morning and feeding dog food would be faster then).

Awhile back, we had gotten a super great deal on some close-out graham cracker cookies and gave those to the dogs on occasion for a treat (bowl full). He kept twisting my words around (in extreme anger), pretending not to know what I was saying. He kept screaming, "We don't have ANY dog food left?!"

I kept telling him that we had enough for one more feeding so if we gave them cookies tonight, then dog food in the morning, it would last until we were in town the next day when we would be going to the store. (You don't just up and run in to town every time you are out of something when you live way out in the country.)

He screamed, "When I asked you the other day how much dog food was left, you said we had enough to go through Saturday morning!!! I would have gotten more then if you had told the truth!! Why didn't you tell me?!!!" (no he wouldn't have)

I said, calmly, "I told you that that was just an estimate. I said it was a rough guess. give or take a little. I offered (three times) to go measure it out and get an exact amount and you said no, that that was a close enough guess. I said it could be off a little. (I was off one feeding).

I explained one more time, "If we feed them the cookies and milk tonight, then the last feeding of dog food in the morning, we can get more dog food when we go in to town and all will be well."

He totally reworded my sentence in a very strange way (so strange I can't even remember, he has his own language) and growled, "THAT is how you should have worded my answer so I could understand it!!!" He then went into another angry, violent, verbal rage that I thought would never quit. It was dark by now, and I was still sitting in my short chair (outside). He was a few feet away and had his head lamp on with fresh charged batteries that made it extra bright. As he raged and spewed every degrading thing and threat he could think of at me, he also started shining that blasted bright light down in my eyes. I tried to shade my eyes with my hands but he just kept working that light into my eyes as he raged and growled with clenched teeth. I pulled the corner of my robe up over my eyes to try and block out some of the light, but he came up closer, almost against me, right in my face, to make sure the bright light was shining into my eyes as he violently raged like a lunatic and I sat huddled and curled up into a ball in my tiny little chair. After what seemed like an eternity, he stopped and asked me a question, expecting me to look at him to answer. I sheepishly asked if he could take the light away so I could answer. He hesitated, decided to move the light away, I answered his question (whew! It was the right answer!), and he finished his raging tantrum by screaming the following:
"NOBODY cares about you!!! NOBODY gives a damn about you or what happens to you!!! Nobody else loves you!!! NOOOOBODY cares!!! NOBODY is going to help you! NOBODY cares what happens to you so NOBODY is going to help you!! NOBODY GIVES A DAMN ABOUT YOU!!!!!"

He then, totally satisfied with himself, walked off to get the dogs' fresh water.

He must have gotten some kind of release that night, some kind of 'fix' because he has been calmer since. It will build back up, though, I have no doubt.

To those of you that are also in a domestic violence situation, PLEASE understand that that last horrendous statement that he made was VERY classic of a domestic abuser. It was meant to make me feel worthless, unloved, and with no hope to escape so don't even think about it. Stay strong and don't let statements like this get to you, don't believe it. (I say this as I try to follow my own words, too)

signed -  Betty Sue

Monday, December 19, 2016

Options and Posting

Wow! I feel so loved! Options are being presented to me and giving me some hope. It will still be far beyond difficult, but there is hope.

I had quite a bit planned to type/post today, but it is just far too cold where I have to plug this thing in to work. It was 3 degrees last night and there is no heat where I can plug in and have Internet, so this will have to be much shorter today. I am okay today, I  just wanted you to know. His mood is good today and he will be at work and on errands most of the day. Dogs are barking at something, though, so I may have to get off quick.

I will be researching and pondering all of my options carefully. I am certainly still open to more and I will be posting what my options are as soon as I can. This won't be an overnight process, I know. I better go. Too much going on outside and I don't know if it is someone here (truck engine idling), or across the road. Gotta warm my fingers up, too.

Keep me and my fur babies in your prayers - signed - Betty Sue

Friday, December 16, 2016

That Flicker of Light is Gone Again

Yesterday morning, there was a flicker of light again. His old self returned for a few hours. But by last night, T L Ogre was back with a vengeance! This morning was even worse! I just don't know hoe I am going to take this until I can figure a way out of here! My poor old heart (literally) can't take it.

He caught me feeding some of that outdoor cats this morning and that set him off in a rage. Some of those cats were indoor cats and one of them just suspiciously lost a still born litter and she is old. She needs to be fixed!

The name calling is greatly increasing. He is especially making fun of my heritage. He has been calling me Polish Stubborn, over and over. He says I am so stubborn because I am Polish and bashes me being Polish in other ways, too. "Stubborn" translates to, "You won't let me control you!"

This morning he screamed at me that I was STUPID because I am Polish. He just kept saying that I am STUPID because I am Polish and that everyone Polish is STUPID!!!

A few days ago, and I am not even sure where it came from, he was in one of his violent, raging tirades and started SCREAMING at me, "You don't have ANY friends! No one is your friend! You don't have ANY friends around here, and you don't have ANY friends online. None of them are really your friend. NO ONE likes you! They all just PRETEND to be your friend! You have NO ONE!

Then it went on further to tell me that he DID have friends but he hasn't gotten to spend time with them since we got together, that it is my fault for that.

I have to get off of here for now. My bashed hand is killing me and I have a long, hard chore day ahead of me. We are supposed to have a super hard freeze the next few days. Single digits at night, low 20s by day (F), and many, many critters are not prepared for it. No hay and I need my hand to rake leaves, gather bricks to heat, and fire wood. Plus, yet  more puppies are being born right now. They need to be fixed!

 Come on..... just beam me and my critter babies up, Scottie, up and over to a piece of land and a home of our own!

Signed - Betty Sue

What I need most from my readers.

[ I will be updating this page in a few days. My most current needs are prayers that my bid on a piece of property is accepted, and that I quickly find a super cheap pick-up that runs well. And of course, that the current 'lull', around here, holds out for a long while. ]  Thanks!

I know I am sounding pretty frazzled right now. I feel that way, too. I have never been in a situation quite like this before. I have been in similar ones, but not near like this.  I thought I was much smarter than that. I am totally embarrassed! One day that switch just "flipped" and my Honey was gone and T L Ogre was there ... there and escalating by the day. But I am smart enough to know that this can't go on any longer and I have to have help to get out.
(Update: At first, it seemed like that 'switch' just flipped, but as I reflect over the past 5+ years, I can now see that there were subtle warning signs, along with little, subtle abusive behaviors along the way that I either didn't catch, didn't notice, or just chalked up to he was having a bad day.)

I guess what I need most right now from my readers is advice. I need to know what my options are on any level/area there is, as to what I can do. How can I disable him? (not physically, but stop his rages for the time being). How can I get out of here? What is available to me?
Edit: I also need help looking for a piece of cheap land, unimproved is fine, but a water source would be great, too. It just needs to be cheap, and 5 acres or so would be great, but would look at smaller. I also have no way of going to look at property right now, but I have relatives and possibly a friend that can go look if anyone comes up with something. Then thoughts on how I will pay for it. I do have a couple of possible options.

I don't have research time. As I said, my chores are timed, closely watched, and I have to account for my time. I also can't do any of this on our main computer (this is an old one he doesn't know I have updated) or ads and articles will come up on the subject and he will know.

I can't easily talk through my Facebook page as he has managed to already get into that once. Last night he tried to watch over my shoulder as I typed in my password to Facebook. So please, if you are someone that knows me, DON'T talk to me about this issue on Facebook nor post it on your page or mine. And DON'T call our phone. The consequences could be catastrophic! Feel free to comment on here (no actual names, please) or message me (much better) at my email address that goes with this blog. And remember that I probably won't be on here on the weekends. He is home and keeping me in his sights and slave driving me most of that time.
update: I am able to talk some through Facebook messenger, but it is risky.

UPDATE - I am also in GREAT need of a mountain of  18 gallon Sterlite Storage totes!
Boxes for packing.

Signed -  Betty Sue

Thursday, December 15, 2016

T L Ogre was "happy" This Morning

Yesterday started as lately's usual, just before he left for work, he gave me a most HORRIBLE verbal and emotional beating, complete with threats, name calling, setting even more new rules, intimidation, belittling, screaming, horrific statements, etc. Oh, and of course, yet another impossible chore list. He then  left for work and errands, returning much later than usual. More on that in another post or video.

He seemed a bit calmer when he came home last night. There was still an edge there, and warning tones in his voice if I didn't choose the correct words when I spoke or answered him. He even allowed me to cook after dark (quick cook stuff only) because he had been gone so long and I didn't know when he would be home to eat. We ate in our 'usual of late' silent dining, then finished our nightly chores. There were extra because it was so cold and extra critters had to have hot water bottles in their beds. He was like a quiet, sad puppy dog all evening.

During the night, he did; however, try to "force" me to snuggle as we slept by wrapping the edge of the covers around him and giving me a short edge. Remember, we are in a large tent with just an old kerosene heater for warmth. I don't want to stray, here, so I will save the rest of that for another post.

Today, he got up all bright eyed and happy! He was all pleasant, upbeat, "I love you bunches", huggy,
. . . . .  my old, sweet Honey.  Am I going to fall for that? NO! He has not apologized for anything, He has no remorse for anything he has done, all of his new, crazy rules are still in force (some life threatening for the animals) . . . . ., nothing is really different. He probably just understands that, for now, he has pushed me to the point of wanting to leave (HE can tell me to leave, but I can't decide that for myself or there will be consequences) so he is pouring on the sugar, baiting the line with yummy, sweet cookie dough, with the intention of reeling me back in while being so grateful that he is sweet again, that I will just blow off all that had recently occurred. It is a cycle with the domestic abuser. I know it  now and I won't fall for it again.

I will play along to a degree (he will still have to understand that his behaviors of late are NOT acceptable), to keep things as calm around here as possible, but I will still continue to do my best to try and figure a way out of here for me, my pets, my farm critters and my belongings. I have found (online) a couple pieces of property that would work great, but I can't go look at them in person to check them and the area out, and that still leaves the problem of money to purchase one and money to move with and set up pens before I move the animals. God Bless me and my babies, PLEASE!

Signed - Betty Sue

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Wordless Wednesday - Basher Stick

Girlfriend Beater

Wordless Wednesday
This is the top end off the the one he used. The actual one he used to bash my hand with all of his might, was attached to the bottom of this one, was fatter and a little longer. It got tossed into the fire, but the other end of it I managed to get a picture of before it went into the fire. This tree branch had been evenly broken up into these lengths to cook dinner on.

T L Ogre Bashed my Hand!

My time is ultra limited, today. T L Ogre is beyond out of control. He stops raging just long enough to catch his breath and collect himself (and think of his next raging subject), then his rage hits again. I never saw anything like it, except on TV.

He bashed my hand with a fire log in November. Yes, it was on purpose and during one of his heightened rages. He wasn't sorry, either, and refused to let me slow down with it in mind. Looks like it broke a bone in it and it still hurts nearly a month later, sometimes pretty badly. I am having great difficulties holding on to anything in that hand, some things I can't hold at all. My fingers in that hand are still tingly and numb, much more so after I have used it for a couple of hours. I have not been able to do any knitting, crocheting or sewing since so, consequently, no Christmas gifts are made, not even for my grand kids. This absolutely breaks my heart! 

Typing is very difficult and painful, too. What a nightmare! I will post more on what all was behind this soon, too. I will probably do most of it in a video, as it will probably be too much typing all at once for my hand. Stay tuned, though. Thank you for taking the time to read. I need to get off of here and get back to my chores, now.

signed - Betty Sue

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

T L Ogre says - "No more cat food!"

T L Ogre, my fiance (I am not allowed to remove that title from anywhere or there will be even more consequences), has gone off the deep end. He is raging more and more by the hour! I am terrified of what he might do next and I have no way out of here.

He is making sure that I receive a brutal, raging, verbal beating every morning, now, before he leaves for work (he works 19 hours a week as a home health provider). He has to make sure that I am upset and frazzled before he leaves .... make sure I go slower so he can give me another one when he gets home? I don't know, some nutty, crazy reason. Then I get more in the evening and usually at night.

Today I let him know that the cat had lost her kitten yesterday (more on that when I can, too. It was suspicious). His reaction - "GOOD!!! Now I won't have to kill them, just kill her!" I wasn't able to hold my reaction back this time, unfortunately. I said in shock, "That's horrible!" and his violent, raging tirade was back on. There was, once again, no way to get past him, no way to get away (he now uses that I have the 'extreme fear of escape' phobia).  My heart flip flopped all over the place and beat hard. I trembled all over. He was loving it! He left, I went to sit down in the office of this old house, he came back in, followed me in here and continued. He says he will NO LONGER purchase, nor bring home for me if I can pay for it, cat food! He will NOT bring any more cat food home! I said I would get someone to help me get some because they had to eat. He raged that he would "beat up" anyone that came onto this property. It is his property, not mine, and I am not allowed to bring anyone, nor have anyone, here. He is also going to shoot and kill any cat that finds a way back into this old house (it is filled with rotted out holes in the walls). He said that the law won't do anything because I wouldn't be able to prove it!

He spent a LOT of his raging fit today, making fun of me because I am Polish. He repeatedly called me Stubborn Polish and just kept saying what a bad person I was because I am Polish.

He has also tossed kittens that were used to being inside, sleeping by the heat lamp of the brooder, outside and won't let me feed them anymore. It is so cold! They are so cold! I am terrified!


Signed -  Betty Sue

He is Escalating Faster than I can Comprehend!!!

One second he is all sweet and nice, then that "switch" flips and he is a raging mad man! I have NEVER seen anything like this! I understand, now, why some of his past wives were so angry, so hurt, that they destroyed a lot of his stuff before they left. He is making one screaming, raging threat right after another that he is going to kill this animal and that animal, destroy my belongings, etc, if I don't live by HIS rules on HIS property. He had always said, so very sweetly, after I moved here, that it was OUR property, OUR home, now and I didn't have to keep asking if I could do this or that around here. He now says it is HIS property and treats me like his SLAVE. Actually, I think slaves get much better treatment!

He leaves me impossible chore lists to complete every day, now. He pins me in somewhere and I have to listen to yet another RAGING tirade filled with threats, name calling and other demeaning bursts, if I don't get it all completed. Or if I didn't get a different chore completed that I should have been 'smart' enough to know should have come ahead of one that he gave me. He sets me up, multiple times a day, now, for raging verbal beatings. My heart literally can't take it. I tremble all day, my heart races, and I can feel it pounding all through my body. I don't want to have another heart attack or mini stroke or a stroke. He doesn't care! I firmly believe, now, that that is what he is trying to do to me. More on that to come. My time on here is even shorter today, and he, once again, is saying he is going to turn the Internet off.

He says I am not making enough money with the Internet. I have no car to deliver things with, and I can't complete all those  chores AND get things posted and sold on the computer. There is NO way to win!

No time to proof read today, sorry. I will go back and do that some day when I have time.... if I ever escape from here.

Signed - Betty Sue

Monday, December 12, 2016

He sets me up for failure!

No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to do what he is wanting me to do, demanding me to do. No matter how hard I go nor how many chores he has left for me to do in the order he tells me to do them, it isn't right. I always do it wrong. "You should have done so and so first!" But I did what he said to do. "You should have done it faster and got that done, too!" "You should have figured out that 'that' needed to be done first instead, no matter what I said!" There is NO way to please T L Ogre! No matter what I do, I can count on an horrendous, degrading, belittling, raging verbal beating for anywhere from 10 or 15 minutes to 3 days long.
He also says to do one thing, then later says he said no such thing. OR we agree to do something a certain way but he later says he didn't agree, it was just my idea and I did it wrong. THERE IS NO WAY TO PLEASE AND AVOID AN ATTACK!

His raging tirades are escalating so fast and so strongly that I am expecting to get hit again (or beaten) at any given moment. I don't know how to get out of here, and all of my critters and belongings out of here, without incomprehensible, life threatening results before we are all out. I made the mistake of saying a couple of times that I wanted to leave. I won't make that mistake again. I have to just play along that I am staying here. THIS IS A NIGHTMARE FROM HE--!!!!


T L Ogre is escalating by the day!! I HAVE to escape from here! I have no idea how. Like the frog in the boiling pot, he has little by little isolated me from the world. I now have little contact with my friends, Internet only, rarely the phone. He has more isolations planned.

I NEED HELP!!! Me and my critters need out of here before he kills us! I have no car, no money and nearly feel like I have no one to turn to that is capable of helping me. A plan will have to be set into place to get us all out at once or anyone left will be harmed. It is a farm. I have lots of chickens, a few ducks, a few goats, a rabbit, and lots of cats and dogs to move. Yes, they need to be fixed, and I want them fixed, but he spent the money to fix them with.

He is escalating at an alarming rate. He is jumping on anything that weakens me (such as a death in the family and my grief) to attack me harder.

He has busted my hand with a fire log and I think it is fractured.
He has tried to kill my 'service' dog. I managed to get him to stop the last time, but not until the dog appeared to be taking his last breath and T L Ogre made me watch!
He continues to threaten to kill that dog and other dogs and cats.
He said he is going to burn the old house on the property down if he catches another cat in it again the house is full of mice and rats).  That old house is falling down and is full of holes. I have no idea where any cats are getting in. I keep going in and getting them out, but they manage to keep getting in. I just hope and pray he doesn't see one again. Much of my belonging that I did get got moved from my foreclosed farm are stored in the old house. He said he isn't taking anything out, not even the cats, just going to set a match to it all! "It will go faster that way." I hope the cats get out and I am not blocked inside when it happens.
He says he is going to turn the Internet and house phone off. Our cell phones don't work here and I can't afford the one that does. ALL of my contact with the outside world will be gone when that happens. 


Sunday, December 11, 2016

He Frazzles Me Until I Can't Think!

Even as I try to type this, I am so frazzled I can hardly think what to type. My hands are cold from no heat in this old office and I am frazzled from this morning's bitter verbal attack. It appears he actually spends any "take a break" time just sitting there creating things to attack me for, things that don't make a lick of sense. My hands are not only shaking from cold, but from stressed out nerves. I don't know where all this madness came from. Everything was so good, then all of a sudden one day, WHAM!!!

He comes up with something to pick on me for, to moderately attack me, to get me all upset and frazzled. He just keeps up the verbal attack, on and on and on without stopping. I can't get a word in. I am not allowed to interrupt or his rage will escalate. By the time he stops long enough to take a breath, I am so frazzled that I am shaking and trying to figure out just what the heck happened. THEN....

THEN ..... he asks me a question. I sit there in total confusion, frazzled and shaking. I am thinking, "Where did all that just come from? None of that makes sense and isn't true." I sit/stand there trying to make sense if just what happened, trying to process what all he just said, AND trying to think of how to answer the question he just asked when nothing made sense. Consequently, I don't answer his question quickly enough so the raging verbal attack hits again, far more intense than the first round. This time it isn't a physical blow, but I promise you, it does physically hurt! These attacks hurt in so many ways, and the pain is intense has T L Ogre's rage.

My time I dare take is up. Gotta go. When you see this post, know that it is a "scheduled" post. I won't be able to get on here on the weekend.

Signed - Betty Sue

Saturday, December 10, 2016

T L Ogre says - No more cooking after dark!

Yep, NEW RULE! Just one more of those things to try and control me and take me down. I will admit, I am the world's worst about trying to use up every minute of the daylight and getting dinner cooked late, but I have always been that way. I try and I try and I try, and sometimes I make it. But T. L. Ogre's way of handling it is just wrong!

In the midst of all of his 'sudden' raging and controlling, he has commanded me to "No more cooking after dark!" For crying out loud, it gets dark around 5pm, now! And he is dead serious. The verbal beating would be horrific if I even tried. So, needless to say, I haven't had a hot meal in days and days!

It is really cold right now. We are living in a tent and I am outside most of the day doing chores in the cold. I have a lot of health issues and a hot meal, even a hot sandwich at the end of the day would be wonderful! I can't believe that I now find myself dreaming longingly of a hot meal :(

We have some hamburger meat, bread and some chips. The iron skillet stays ready and I have had a campfire going the past few days so I could cook some dog food  (Simmered through the day in a large pot while I did chores. I would have been in even more trouble if I hadn't gotten that cooked so we could stretch out the dog food.). But I wasn't even allowed to take just a few minutes to toss a couple of meat patties into a skillet. It was after dark when chores were done and it was time to eat, so NO HOT DINNER! Just a cold sandwich or something out of a can.

It is a punishment, a control mechanism to break me down. He knows it will affect my health issues and he doesn't care. He is actually using that to break me down into submissiveness and obedience.

Signed - Betty Sue

Reeling Me Back In

One thing about abusers (verbal or physical) is, they watch to see when they have gone too far (in their perception). When they think they have gone so far you can't possibly take any more, and/or are read to leave them, they turn back to "nice" to try and reel you back in.

Over this past weekend, after about a day and a half of berating, belittling, accusing, dictating, blaming, beating down, intimidating, screaming, yelling, etc, at me, he stopped and turned all nice for a brief spell. When he went to town for a day of errands, he came back with a big bar of fine chocolate for me and a pop. I know, pop is really bad for you and I had quit drinking it once, but I got back on it when I lived in a heavily molded house because it helped to clear my throat out and I just haven't totally weaned back off of it. I hadn't had one in awhile ad he knew I would really enjoy a pop.

Just a few hours later, after I had had time to eat some chocolate, enjoy my cola and savor it all, T. L. Ogre's entire process, which had actually been on 'pause', not 'stop', continued on, as bitter and dominating as ever! He figured I had had enough time by then to build back up just a bit of strength and soften my attitude about him a bit, so that he could get back to his task at hand . . . breaking me down. People! Don't ever fall for this!!!! His continued verbal beating lasted another day and a half. Looks like I am now again on "pause", which is just more of the breaking down process .... constant wonder as to when the next raging outburst will occur.

Signed - Betty Sue

Friday, December 9, 2016

A Bit About My Health Issues

I have mentioned in some of my posts that I have a several health issues, some small, some potentially serious if not managed properly. I thought I might share some of these with you so that some of this blog makes more sense. I am not in any way complaining about my health. I deal with it and manage the best way I can every day. But I am (and will be) complaining that T L Ogre doesn't care about my health when he is in extreme rage mode.

I have a LOT of allergies ... food allergies, medication allergies, chemical allergies, some plant allergies, and on and on and on.

I have asthma (Adult onset). Allergic reactions, barometric pressure changes and stress are my biggest asthma attack triggers.

I have mitral valve prolapse and other heart issues.  I have had one or more heart attacks and countless mini strokes. Stress really triggers the mini strokes.

I have multiple abscessed teeth and several broken off teeth.

I am allergic to nearly every antibiotic on the market.

I am hypoglycemic - pretty bad at times.


Chronic Bronchitis

Arthritis in most of my joints.

I don't know what my blood pressure is right now, but at times, it gets pretty high.

My iron runs too high, dangerously high at times.

My potassium runs dangerously low.

During certain types of weather changes, my legs burn so badly that they feel like they are in a fire pit. I have no idea why.

I have "weather change" (mostly incoming storm) migraines, sometimes so badly that I pass out.

I have gout in my right foot. Right now, it is REALLY flared up. 

I will add to this as I think of them. My hands are getting really cold and I have to get back to my chores before he notices that all of my time can't be accounted for.

Signed -  Betty Sue

Changing the Blog Address

I have decided to change the blog address on here from twistedlatentogre to simply, tlogre.
If you have been following my new blog already, please be sure and look for it in a few days at:

I will wait until next week to be sure anyone that has been reading it can see this. The change will shorten the address and I hope, make it much easier to type, read, find, etc. Thank you and I hope you return often.

Betty Sue

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Clocking Chore Times

My time to write my vents...
My time to release my frustrations, hurts and stress...
Has become even more scarce and limited.

T. L. Ogre is now clocking my chore times. He comes home from work, looks around at what chores I got done (That he perceives that I have done. I have always done far more than he notices.), both chores that I chose to do and the chores that he gave me to do, then mentally figures how long it should have taken me to complete them.

If he thinks I should have had them all done in a lesser time (and he always does), then he expects me to answer as to why more wasn't accomplished, why those chores took so long, etc. I mean, for crying out loud! If I had to take an extra long "sit" for some reason of nature, I would have to account for the lost time from chores!

Please forgive me if at times, there are typographical errors in my posts. I am usually pretty particular about proof reading all of my posts before they are posted, but in this situation, there are going to be times that they just get quickly written, then posted and proof read later. I have to empty it all out of me, have somewhere to spill it out, then go on with my day.

Signed - Betty Sue

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Little to No Pictures in the Blog, Not Safe

There are so many pictures I would love to post in this blog. I am sure it would give any readers a much better visual of some of my situation. But, unfortunately, I just don't feel that it would be safe.

I might, in the rarest of instances, take a chance and post a picture or two. Some posts just really need a picture posted with them. But I am terrified of getting caught on here, terrified that T. L. Ogre or someone he knows would recognize one of them somewhere around the Internet and lead him back to this blog. I can't even begin to imagine what the ramifications from that would be. And I certainly don't want to find out.

This blog will just have to be pretty plain and generic looking. My main purpose for it, anyway, is to have a place to vent my frustrations and feelings, since I have no one to talk to, am not allowed to talk to anyone about any of it and desperately need some way to "get it out" and "park it somewhere" so I can go on with my day. If anyone is reading this blog, just consider it a good place to exercise your imagination. Our senses are so overloaded these days, it is refreshing sometimes to simply use our imagination for a change, and just let it wander.

Signed - Betty Sue

T. L. Ogre says - Go Pee Outside!

We use a composting toilet system. I don't mind. I actually like it better than a traditional flush toilet, less germs are spread. I do wish our composting system was a bit more up to date, but it works okay. What doesn't work is not being allowed to use it to pee in except for in extreme circumstances (just can't hold it long enough to get outside, in extreme weather, etc.)

When I first moved here, I didn't give it a thought and used the toilet when I had to "go", just as I had my entire life. But one day, T. L. Ogre insisted that I needed to go squat and pee somewhere outside and just do my daily business in the toilet. He said that using it to pee in made the bucket heavier and harder to carry out to dump. Geez, why don't we just dump it daily, or at least, every other day?  Nope, no pee so it doesn't have to be taken out as often. *eye roll*

Now, I know that, at times, I do pee a lot, but geez! This is so degrading! I mean, there are times in life where you just gotta stop and take a squat in the woods or somewhere of the like, but on a daily basis? Come on! I don't mind the composting toilet, but I would like to at least use it!

Signed - Betty Sue

Monday, December 5, 2016

Where to Start

I'm not sure where to even start. My fiance and I have been together for just over 5 years. The first 4.5 years were terrific! We didn't even have our first fight until just past the 4 year mark. But during that time, we lived in separate homes .  .  .  an hour apart.

Almost a year ago, I moved to his place (that is a long story in itself, that I will get to). Although life stunk, it was just a few days after  Christmas the we moved me and the dogs and we all had to move into a tent, we were getting along great. Everything was very good between us for several months.

Then one day, all HECK broke loose! He had gotten up (as usual) before me. He came back into the tent and had a very strange air about him. His color was dark, he looked somewhat swollen, and had a very indescribable look in his eyes. I we so worried that he was seriously sick, or something had happened to someone close so I sat on up and asked, "What's wrong?"

He went into a VERY unexpected, made-no-sense rage that lasted for a couple of hours. I will get to what the rage was about in another post. My time on here is extremely limited. If I get caught doing this blog, life will be worse, probably beyond my comprehension. But it was a daily event that had been occurring right along that I had no idea was a problem. It wasn't for me, not under the current circumstances we are living in.

It totally blew my mind and confused me beyond description, not to mention sent me into out of control tears. No more tears, now. Just strong determination to figure a way out of this mess!

As I said, I don't expect anyone to read my blog, but if you are, and my scrambled venting leaves you with questions, please feel free to ask. I need to go for now. I have a long chore list to complete. It isn't possible to complete it, so I will be in trouble for that. And I will do a lot of it wrong (in his eyes) and I will be in trouble for that, but I have to try my hardest to get as far as I can, the best that I can, until I can figure a out a way to escape from my nightmare.

Signed - Betty Sue
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