Friday, March 24, 2017

Getting a Little Spooked

This post may make more sense to you readers after I make some future posts. This happened this week and has been bothering me since, so I just need to vent and document it. Even for me, if I just write down things as they happen (never enough time to write all that is going on), even if they don't make sense, then eventually I can put a pattern together out of several occurrences and figure a few things out. Not sure I want to figure this one out, though.

Monday the phone rang. T L Ogre was at work and I was sitting here at the computer. I answered the call. A very heavily accented voice asked to speak with T L Ogre (asked for him by his first and last name). I said that he was not here right now and asked if I could take a message. The guy asked, "Are you a family member?" I said, "No, I am just a resident here." He replied, "That's okay, Bye, bye." and instantly hung up. Strange.

This guy (or someone else with the same type of accent) has called a few times before. They always ask for the Ogre, then hang up when I ask for a number to have him call them back at. One even asked for his "Buddy, T L Ogre (used his real name)".  Always this unfamiliar, heavy accent.

I wrote the current phone call info down by the phone. I forgot to tell the Ogre about it until the next day and asked if he had seen the note I left for him by the phone. He got an odd look on his face when I described the call and asked, "What kind of accent?" I said that I didn't know, it wasn't Mexican or Spanish for sure. It sounded more like Middle Eastern." T L straightened his stance, took on a cocky, holier than though attitude, serious, above everyone else look on his face and asked, "Pakistani accent, maybe?" I said, yea, it sounded more like that. Still in his odd stance with his odd look on his face he asked in a strange, slow drawl, "Israeli accent, maybe?" I said it could have been, but I hadn't talked to anyone from there, so I couldn't say for sure.

T L Ogre then stiffened his stance even more, took on an even more authoritative stern look and stated, "I could be getting a call from an Israeli. In fact, there are several Israelis that could be calling me, so it could be any one of them." He then narrowed his eyes and tried to search mine for a reaction to his statement. I tried my best to keep a "ho hum" reaction to it and just said, "Well, I was just checking to see if you got your message" then went on about my chores.  It wasn't easy to remain ho hum, matter of fact, though, because his whole air about him was so very odd and spooky ... a serious, stern air that said he and his Israeli friends were "above" all of the rest of us and they were up to something. A distinct, bitter air about him.

You see, T L Ogre has decided that he wants to be Jewish. I have no idea how far back this goes, but I keep finding more and more evidence that it goes back much further than I had thought. He is heavily studying how to be, and how to convert to Judaism. He is making all kinds of lifestyle changes to try and be Jewish. He spends hours each day in his new found studies. He is also studying how to speak Hebrew, and following along all that is going on in Israel. He is even obsessed with trying to find a certain kind of sandals to wear at a price he can afford, and I have found where he has sent a monetary donation to have a tree planted in Israel.

I am running out of time right now, so I will just say that the list of discoveries on this subject is growing and is mind boggling, to say the least. I am not sure what to make of it and I am not even going to try right now. And he stupidly wonders why choppers, small planes and drones keep flying over low and swooping down over his tent and spotlighting it *eye roll*.  I guess I better watch my back yet a little closer. Yep, glad I have several big, loving and loyal dogs by my side, especially at night. All that dog food gets hard to come by at times, but at the moment, my babies are literally a life saver! They have been on several occasions through out the past several years and deserve a feast.  Gotta run for now. Again, please keep me and my farm babies in your prayers of safety.

Thanks for stopping in and have a beautiful and safe day and a great weekend.

Signed - Betty Sue

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Alcohol Withdrawals? Part 2

A few months ago T L Ogre began having tremor spells. Sometimes just his hands shake (in a way he can't control), then on very rare occasions, his entire body gets the shakes. He complains about these spells in a somewhat panicked tone. It also frustrates him and seems to make him angry. The control freak can not control his body! Sometimes, all this shaking and tremors make it difficult, to near impossible to perform some tasks, such as simply trying to insert a screw driver into a screw.

I thought these spells were kind of odd, but had chocked them up to him probably drinking way too much strong coffee for the day. Some days he will just have a cup of coffee, but others, he will drink a couple of pots of super strong coffee. At first, I just figured that the latter was what was causing it.

When I simply, and calmly, suggested that he cut back a little on the coffee and see if that was what was causing it, he got bitterly angry with me... angry because I was so calm about it and didn't go into a panicked, worry state. He took it that I didn't care. I honesty thought that he just simply had had too much strong coffee. I mean, if someone drinks that much strong coffee in a day, I would think that the sensible thing to do would be to cut back for a few days and see if it made a difference. Now I know that those trembly, tremor spells were (and are) from going a few days without any booze. That would also explain the anger, to the point of rage, because I didn't get all panicked with worry over the tremors... he was withdrawing. The tremors, the temper, and the inability to control his temper seem to be all part of the withdrawals due to his need for alcohol. As I have started closely watching his alcohol consumption level, in conjunction with odd symptoms he is having, I am distinctly seeing a definite relationship between the two. When he runs out of money and booze, he has tremors and/or other withdrawal symptoms. When he gets a little money and a bottle, he feels good again.

I will discuss other withdrawal symptoms over the next few days. Stay tuned for Part 3.

Thanks for stopping in and have a beautiful day!

Signed - Betty Sue

Monday, March 20, 2017

Four Month Hand Update

It has now been 4 months since the Ogre violently whacked my hand with a large fire log while in one of his extreme rages. It has been horrible, and literally given me nightmares as I relive it in my sleep, but I do feel very fortunate that it wasn't my head. As he had held that fire log high in the air that day, his face filled with rage, his eyes darted back and forth between my hand and my head as he appeared to momentarily ponder where to make his first hit, my arm/hand or my head. I was frozen with fear and the wild, dark, angry look in his eyes had convinced me that he was going to bash my head.  He had ended up choosing my hand, raised the log back up as if to swing it again as he glared at my head, my eyes pleading with him to not hit me again, but then suddenly threw it down and physically went for my dog that was then huddled close by in great fear, no longer growling nor nor snapping at the Ogre, just huddled in total fear. I am trying to put this past me, but somehow, I still keep reliving it, especially in my sleep.

I am still at a plateau in my healing. I still have a lot of pain in my hand, especially in one particular area. When there is pressure against it, it actually feels like a bone splinter is trying to poke through my skin. When I hold onto something really warm to hot, it feels wonderful! When my hand gets cold or touches anything cold, especially like picking up an ice cube, it hurts like crud!

There is still a lot of numbness and tingling in the tips of several of my fingers and when I have to push my hand and use it for a length of time, it goes almost completely numb. That numbness and tingling are even more frustrating and much harder to live with than the pain and swelling.

The worst and most upsetting and frustrating part, though, is the lack of mechanics in my hand, now. As I said before, this was my dominant hand. On top of that, I had to put extra work on this hand because I had a really bad injury in my other hand years ago and it tires easily, aches with heavy use, and gives out easily. Now the mechanics of this hand are all messed up. Even typing is very difficult. I have to really concentrate and work at getting the message from my mind to my hand, now, to type anything. If I am typing absently mindedly, my page becomes just a jibberish mess. My hand pops open at the slightest bit of pressure on it which causes me to drop nearly everything I forget and pick up with it, which results in a lot of spilled and/or broken stuff, which in turn, wastes a lot of stuff and costs a lot of money I don't have to spare. Lifting anything with this hand is still nearly impossible. I am beginning to push it just a bit, though, lifting lighter stuff and holding it a few seconds, to try and hopefully begin to strengthen it back up as much as possible.

My shoulder hasn't totally healed from that night (it was injured, also, from the impact of the Ogre's swing and hit with the fire log as my arm swung backwards.) but it has made great improvements. Some days I forget now that it was hurt. I am hoping that that is a good sign that my shoulder, at least, will completely heal.

T L Ogre still has never apologized for smacking my hand with that fire log. He seems to still have the attitude that I needed to be punished for not letting him kill my dog. Deep down, though, I think he realizes what a mistake he made. No, he still isn't remorseful, just scared stiff that I will tell someone and they might think badly of him. He worries so much about people possibly thinking bad of him. Four months ago, I was still stuck back here in my isolated corner, cut off  from most of the rest of the world. Now, in order for me to be able to move out, I am in contact with quite a few people and I finally got some wheels so I can begin to move once I am finally closed on the land. He has started carrying the heavier things for me, and subtly doing "nice" things for me as often as he can, things that will take pressure off of that hand. He is seeing that four months down the line, it isn't healing. He sees that as I make land arrangements, hopefully find some friends to help me move, search for a doctor for my hand, just sees in general that other people are going to see that I am having issues with my hand and want to know why. I feel like he is buttering me up, hoping I won't "tell". This is so friggin' frustrating! The emotional pain from my hand injury, too, is far worse, even, than the physical pain. I still hold on to hope that somehow, my hand will have a full recovery and be my strong, dominant hand once again.

Thanks for stopping by and have a beautiful day.

Signed - Betty Sue

Friday, March 10, 2017

Alcohol Withdrawals? Part 1

It is a very sad and scary thing to watch someone that is addicted to alcohol. I am not talking your basic, average alcoholic. I am talking hardcore, mentally and physically addicted to alcohol. There is no doubt in my mind, now, that T L Ogre is just that, firmly addicted to alcohol. Even his body appears to get very sick, now, if he has to go a few days without any alcohol.

In the early stages of our relationship, he told me that he had been an alcoholic in his younger days. He said that he drank so much in his teens and early adulthood that he was often never sober. His life centered around alcohol.  In the beginnings of our relationship he also said that he was now a recovered alcoholic, that he no longer drinks. He said that he accomplished that on his own, that he just up and quit drinking. He bitterly criticized AA and said he did it himself. I often wondered about that. From what little I knew about alcoholism, it didn't quite make sense that he could have been that heavy of an alcoholic, then quit completely on his own.

As our relationship progressed a bit, he would occasionally talk about wine and some kind of Scotch that he loves so much. Our first Christmas I learned that one of his relatives got him a big bottle of Scotch every year for his Christmas gift, which he gripes about to no end because it isn't the one he likes best. This all puzzled me. He had said that he was a recovered alcoholic and no longer drank. I asked him about this. He said he just had a little sip of the Scotch when it was really cold ... to warm him up, or on special occasions. The wine? He said he enjoyed a glass now and then with his dinner, that that much was good for you. He insisted that he was "recovered", could control his alcohol, now, and only had a little on occasion. This really concerned me. It didn't make sense to me, yet I never saw him drunk nor drinking. I decided I would just keep an eye on it. We were living in separate houses, so that was a little difficult, but I did keep my eyes open for new bottles when I was at his house. Yes, I know, alcoholics usually hide them so that wasn't a good info source.

All seemed to be okay. He did seem to control it, only have a little on rare occasion. But, as I said, I couldn't see through that phone and his house was so stacked up I would have never found a hiding place.  He did talk about alcohol more and more, though, as our relationship progressed.

A few months after I moved to his place, I suspected he was drinking. Old booze bottles began to empty, he eagerly accepted a bottle of wine his sister was discarding and thoroughly enjoyed it during his long, leisurely baths, and one day I walked in and caught him "sneaking" a swig from his Scotch when he had gone in his old bedroom of the old house for something. He tried to hide what he was doing and quickly covered it up, pretending he was doing something else, but the alcohol aroma was strong and obvious. There was no reason for him to have hidden that he was taking a swig, the average person would have offered me a swig, too, yet he acted guilty and obviously didn't want me to know that he was taking a drink. He wanted to have his drink alone and in private. That is when I started checking bottles and realized just how much he was drinking again.

I began to wonder if his sudden maniac rages were coming from his return to drinking, or maybe from his trying to hold back on the alcohol when he was really REALLY wanting it. I wondered if he had just started drinking again or if he had ever really quit drinking, just slowed down, and had lied to me about it. He knew I did not approve of heavy drinking nor drunkenness. He knew that would be a relationship breaker.  I also wondered if his return to drinking was what was killing his sex drive and "ability."  His interest had suddenly died and nearly every time I tried it initiate, he just drifted on to sleep, sleep much faster than usual, mind boggling fast. Was it the alcohol?

Stay tuned for Part 2 of  "Alcohol Withdrawals?"

Thanks for stopping in and have a beautiful and blessed weekend!

Signed - Betty Sue

Thursday, March 9, 2017

T L Ogre Moved His Bottle Pile

The Ogre's building wine bottle pile was by his tent. He seemed to keep only one really visible at a time, the others tucked in between his food totes. All the low flying planes and choppers really make him nervous and paranoid so I imagine he was worried someone from overhead might see them. He keeps the hard stuff inside the old house, mostly Scotch. Most of it is all drank up, now, too, but the pile of those empties he keeps in his old bedroom of the crumbling old house.

After his pile by the tent began to build a bit, he moved those new empty bottles to back behind the chicken shed with the rest of his big pile of dusty empties from past drinking days. A new pile is now forming by the tent. He went through a couple of extra bottles when he got his tax return, so there is, once again, a 3 bottle pile, and growing, next to his tent, and a new bottle started inside. Oddly enough, it looks like he only had one big glass last night.  Yet somehow, that one glass made him over sleep. He seems to have been pretty sick lately from having gone several days without any booze until he got paid yesterday and got a new bottle, so maybe that one big glass gave him what he "needed" for now and his body relaxed and he finally slept. Good thing because after a few days of no booze, his agitation was really beginning to build again. It really is a sad situation. Much as I don't like what I have gotten into, I would much rather be in my shoes than his, for sure.

Thanks for stopping in and have a beautiful day.

Signed - Betty Sue
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