Friday, February 17, 2017

T L Ogre is a Drunken Alcoholic!

Gosh, I'm not even sure where to start on this one. In the beginning, T L Ogre told me that in his younger days, he drank a lot, A LOT.  He said that he was young and stupid and drank to the point he was an alcoholic, he was never sober, but that he wasn't an alcoholic any more... he was now a "recovered alcoholic." That did send off a little warning flag with me, but over and over he assured me that he did not drink at all, now. He assured me that he understood that it was wrong, it messed up your life and your body, and that he would not do that again. I did always wonder, though, how he 'recovered' without any help.

On down the line he started talking about having an occasional glass of red wine with his dinner.  He insisted that it was only a very small glass once in a blue moon, because a little red wine was good for you now and then. I didn't think that a "recovered alcoholic" could have any alcohol at all, so I really wondered about this. I researched and learned that some 'recovered alcoholics' can have a very occasional drink, but not most.

At Christmas time that first year, he got a bottle of Scotch for a gift from a relative. Turned out, it was an annual gift. He cussed and cursed because it wasn't the right kind. He liked another kind better and the gift he got wasn't the right one. How ungrateful!  He said he saved it for special occasions and had a sip when it was super cold outside, to warm him up. Hmmmmmm........ For me, this was a bigger red flag. As far as I knew (I was still at my own home), the bottle did last all year.

After I moved here just over a year ago, I never saw him drinking. He held to the fact that he was a recovered alcoholic. When his daughter got married, he did break open some special bottle of extremely old and rare booze, but supposedly only had a sip or two out of it. Then one day, a few months ago, his other sister (the one he calls the evil sister) gave him a bottle of red wine that she had had about half a glass out of and didn't like. A couple times a week, he would enjoy a glass of it with his long, hot bath, until it was finally gone.

One night, not long after that bottle was gone, I came in to the old house to use the computer. I saw him bent over in the doorway of the old bedroom, and the strong smell of alcohol permeated the air! He shuffled stuff around really fast, stood up and started to try and make casual small talk, but stuttered and stammered the whole time. Busted! It was so obvious he was sneaking a drink. He didn't just openly say he was taking a swig or something, and offer me a taste, too, he had to hide it! It seems he much prefers drinking alone.

He has started bringing  home his "pay day" bottle of wine the night of pay day. It looks like it is about half a gallon of some really good quality red wine. It is always empty by morning. He is now making it a habit of getting is "pay day drunk on."  The bottles are beginning to pile of next to his tent. There are three there, now. Looks like he lied to me about all those "empties" sitting behind his little work shop. He said someone had given him the empty bottles, but they are all exactly like the empties by the tent.

The day he helped me tarp over the roof on my old travel trailer so the roof doesn't leak when it rains (until I can get the roof sealed up better-I will do that after I move it), he was so drunk he could hardly stand up! He kept stumbling all over the place and nearly fell several times. When he bent over to tie down corners of the tarp, he really had a hard time with keeping from falling over. He would stand up and complain that it "made him dizzy to bend over and tie the ropes". He never had that kind of problem before. And that wasn't an excuse for why he was stumbling around when he was standing straight up and having a hard time understanding anything I was saying. It was Saturday and he was getting his drunk on!

This strongly concerns me! What if he goes into one of his narcissistic rages while he is drunk, or at least, under the influence of alcohol? The end result could be much worse than just a broken hand. He is on an edge again. I feel, sense and see it coming on. Although filled with lies and just plain being a stupid a..h...e, he has been forcing himself to be "nice" lately, overly nice. Just sickening, but a bit less stressful and a lot less scary. Is the alcohol connected? I just don't know. He got his Wednesday night (pay day) drunk on .... then over slept by a LOT, on Thursday morning. I also noticed, though, that his "Scotch" glass was on the bathroom counter on Wednesday night. I hadn't seen that glass in a long, long time.  I checked the bottle and it is nearly empty, now.  So .... besides consuming an entire large bottle of wine all by himself on Wednesday night, it appears he also had a glass of his Scotch while lounging in his leisurely hot bath that night and Thursday night. These last two days are also when his "edge" and anxiety seemed to start building back up. I am concerned that all of this could drastically raise my danger level.  God, keep me safe and help me through this!

I will be talking to the realtor today and I am hoping and praying hard for some good news. I will appreciate your prayers and good thoughts with that as well.

Thanks for stopping in. Have a great day and a beautiful weekend.

Signed - Betty Sue

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Land Hunt Update

I thought I would take a moment to give an update on the land looking. I guess it is in the eye of the beholder as to how well it is or isn't going.  Finding the minimum of what I feel I need in a parcel of land, with my ultra meager funding, is a challenge in itself. Adding one unexpected hurdle right after another on top of that, makes it a frustrating challenge that the average person would just give up on. .... but I'm not average.

Important paperwork to the land is missing. When the realtor tries to track it down, he just gets referred to the next person, who then refers him to the next person, and so on, and so on, and so on. Someday I will explain exact details as to what exactly is missing, but for now, just know that it is something that I just won't close on without knowing.

In the search for that paperwork, another big hurdle, also with missing information, popped up. So that information now has to also be found. It would still probably be doable, it will just determine more of the property's worth/value and where and how I build on the land.

While all that was going on, the funds for the loan for the land disappeared in the mail! That was a scare, but it has finally been found and I am good to go with that, now. One hurdle down, a few more big ones to cross.

I just don't know, nor understand, why trying to get this (or any other property I have checked into) has become such a battle, such a time stall, but I just keep telling myself that there has to be a reason for it. I have to be patient and keep plugging forward. I won't deny it, I am having some serious frustration moments. I am having some  moments where it feels like I am going to be stuck like an hostage here forever.  Then someone comes along, like my youngest daughter, today, and gives me some beautiful words of support and I am able to focus again and keep on moving forward. It was strange, about an hour after she gave me some very encouraging words today, the missing funds were found! I did have to laugh once, when one of the statements she made were my own words that I used to say to everyone, thrown back at me, ha, ha, ha. Hit with my own words of advice. It worked!

Although I will follow and flow with where ever I feel I am being led, I really hope it is this piece of property that I am trying to purchase. I pray that all the hurdles get straightened out quickly and smoothly, I can close soon, and begin to move and rebuild my farm, to start life over anew, once again. Please help me pray, too, and keep me and my situation in your positive thoughts.

Thanks for stopping by and have a beautiful day.

Signed - Betty Sue

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Napping With Uncle - Wordless Wednesday

 Wordless Wednesday

Napping With Uncle

Food Stamp Saga - part 8

preface - I apologize if this sounds too wordy or jumbled. I had countless interruptions as I was writing this post.
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I got the food card and went in to Walmart. This post picks up from the last post on the January 2nd outing after we had left the food stamp office.  I only wanted to get a few basic items at that point because I wanted to make my biggest grocery purchase at discount and closeout stores in the next town.  I spent approximately $10 in Walmart for a total of about $33 of groceries up to that point for the month.  We were supposed to go discount grocery store shopping in a  few days, so I didn't get any more than that.

Forty days later, I still had not gotten to get any more groceries! If I could go, he had an excuse that he couldn't. A large part of that time, though, I could not leave because I had puppies to watch.  It was cold and I had to stay close to keep the momma dogs and other dogs from accidentally smashing the puppies in their effort of trying too hard to snuggle close to keep them warm.  We had the puppies because T L Ogre put the dogs together, then bailed on us all, but that story will be for another post series.

So over the next 40 days, I lived on the "stock up for emergency" foods I had tucked away.  Oh was I ever glad I had gone food dehydrator happy last Summer and Fall!

Of course, T L Ogre had to periodically brag about how good some of the things he was buying and eating were during the time I was getting really burned out on stale, out-dated, old tasting foods. (But I was truly glad I had them on hand) He did offer to share some bread or fruit a couple of times.   I did not like the feeling that gave me so I took a piece of fruit once and that was it.  His tone, body language and expressions all felt like he felt sorry for me and was giving me a hand out.  Something in that just wasn't right.

A couple of times a couple of my elderly relatives made the long drive out here and brought me a "care" box with a little fresh food and basic essentials.  I appreciated that more than I could ever express!

I could get T L Ogre to pick up pet supplies for me (my cost) because he finally understood that I would call animal welfare if he didn't, but not groceries.  He might have picked up an occasional item in town, locally, if I begged hard enough, but it would have cost more than where I usually shop.  I needed to stretch what I had left on that card, out as far as I could!  There were signs all throughout that long stretch that he had been to the next town over and he had been to those stores, but he never let me know he was going so he could pick something up for me.

So, I lived forty days without going to a grocery store, only got a few grocery items at the beginning of that stretch, and it had been about a month, also, prior to that  that I had not been to a store and he had only picked up a few dollar's worth of groceries (for us) during that time. I didn't like it, but it sure was an excellent test of how well I am doing with my emergency food prep skills and what I need to work on more.

Last Saturday, I finally got to go grocery shopping and use up all the funds I had left on that food card!  It was a beautiful, unseasonably warm day, only one puppy is left and big enough I could leave for the day.  T L Ogre needed to go over to that town for a few items, also, and said I could go if I helped with the gas.  I had to stifle a laugh.  He didn't  have enough gas money to go on his own!  I was still very sick and after the first two stores, realized I was still much weaker than I thought, but I pushed and got my shopping done!  And no, he would not help me load my groceries into the truck, either.  He just sat in the cab complaining that his foot hurt and he didn't have any money to get anything.

I also had to unload all of my groceries back at 'home' by myself.  My hand and knee were in agony, but I finally got it all unloaded and tucked away in storage totes.  I think I am enjoying my big box of fresh fruits and vegetables, best!  I was sooo salad hungry.  I was so thankful to have my tucked away stock of dehydrated veggies, but you just can't beat that fresh produce!

Throughout that day, as we drove around from store to store and on the trip home, he made mention of several times he had been, himself, and purchased this and that at the various stores.  I said,
I didn't know you had come and gotten groceries here." He replied, "It was when you had to watch the puppies and couldn't come." Ugh! I knew he had, I had found the signs of it, but now he had to rub it in. He had the food card with him, he had my funds on it, too, he came to the stores I needed to go to for groceries, but NEVER, during that 40 day period, did he tell me he was and ask what I needed picked up! What an azz! I could have given him at least a short list each of items those times so that I didn't have to pick mold off of my bread and cheese and all. He knew that I was having to do that, too.  He had to offer me some of his bread, instead, during that time so he appeared like he was doing something nice and sympathetically wonderful for me. Grrr.....

I really stretched the dollar out as far as I could, but I will need to still be thrifty and make it last as long as I can, as I am still at "$0" income and no longer have food stamps.  About two days before the day they told me to come back in to apply, I reminded him and asked if he could take me on that day.  He said, "No, just apply online. You can do it that way."  That will mean a phone conference, a conversation he has access to listen in on, leaving no way for me to get opportunity to speak freely with a human services worker, which, I am sure, is why he insists I sign up online.

I'm gonna be okay.  I will get through this.  I will once again earn a good income and, with that income,  I will purchase all of my own groceries where I want, when I want .... what I don't grow myself, that is.

Thanks for stopping in and for your support. Have a beautiful day.

Signed - Betty Sue

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Is It Attempted MURDER if . . . . .

I have several health issues.  Most of my health issues I do pretty well at keeping under control, but there is that occasional flare up.  Stress is one of the biggest triggers that will flare up any of my health issues.  TL Ogre knows and fully understands all of this.

Two of my biggest stress induced health issues are asthma and heart problems.  Little did I know that TL Ogre would use this against me. I never dreamed that someone that is supposed to be your loving life partner, someone that is supposed to be there for you in sickness and in health, through everything, no matter what, would use your  health issues as a tool to punish and hurt you, but that is exactly what happened.

I'm not sure exactly how far back it started, how far back that he realized that his screaming rages or even just his didn't-make-sense-verbal beatings sent me into asthma attacks and/or mini strokes and heart attack symptoms, but he did eventually see that is caused it and ran with it.  When he would go into his screaming rages, or give me one of his long winded, never ending, belittling, verbal beatings, I would start gasping for air and go into an asthma attack and/or the left side of my body would go numb from head to toe, beginning with my left hand and foot, followed by my heart flip flopping around, chest pains, shortness of breath, jaw pain, etc. I tried so hard to block him out and relax my breathing, but it just didn't seem to help. His 'attacks' were just too harsh. That mean old Ogre would see my breathing became labored, or see me start flexing my hand trying to keep it from going numb, pause a moment with a small sadistic grin on his face, then plow even harder into me with his raging.  He loved me!  Why was he doing this?!  Why was he being so mean?!

When he either just plain ran out of steam and couldn't rage any more, and/or felt that he had me sick enough that my daily tasks would be a huge struggle, he would stop and walk away with a satisfied smug, evil grin on his face.

After many of those "episodes", my left foot and leg would be so numb and heavy I could barely walk.  My leg would often buckle under me, but I had to push and get my chores and daily tasks done as close to on time as possible, or I would get another round.  I was terrified he was gong to kill me this way!!  And of course, this is when he would give me an impossible list of extra chores to do, with consequences attached if the list wasn't completed, which it was not possible to complete, so punishment(s) were/was issued.

One day, at the end of one of these episodes, I verbally spelled out what he was doing to me, to my health, and asked if it didn't bother him, if he was sorry for what he was doing to me.  His exact reply was, "I'm sorry you can't take it, but it has to be done."

What?!?!?! He HAS to verbally beat me into asthma and heart attack symptoms???? This blew me away!  Why was he doing this?? Why did he feel he had to do this to me? He was supposed to be the love of my life, take care of me when I was sick, not MAKE me sick!!

The rages and verbal beatings grew in numbers and intensity, they escalated beyond out of control after that conversation.  This is when he started getting in my face screaming, flailing his arms at me making me think he was going to hit me, putting his mouth up to my ear (while I was sitting in a short chair in the middle of the yard with no way to get up and escape because he was bent over me - more of his sadistic use of my agoraphobia) screaming criticisms into my ear until my ear drum rattled with vibrations, knowing I do not have ear wax to buffer sound (birth defect), knowing it would send me into an asthma attack and stroke symptoms.

 Yet, periodically, he would sarcastically mouth at me, "We need to get you to a doctor and get that checked (stroke symptoms), but he would never tell me to go ahead and make an appointment and if I did, I would have been punished for the bill it created.

One day, on a particularly bad day, when I just could not keep quiet after an intense verbal beating, followed by his threat to "take me somewhere to be checked", I called him on it.  The verbal beating that day had been an extra bad one.  I was having strong stroke and heart attack symptoms.  One too many times he turned around, those daggers dancing from his darkened eyes, and sarcastically half screamed that we needed to get me somewhere to get "that checked".  I was feeling really bad and had no patience left that day, so I turned around to face him, several yards between us (I had been limping away to get my chores started), and said as calmly as I possibly could, "Yes, I need to go and have this problem checked.  When I do, the doctor is going to ask me what is stressing me so badly because both of these health issues for me are usually triggered by stress.  I will be honest and tell him what is causing it.

He was furious!  Body puffed, nostrils flared, he barked, "So, I'm doing it??!?! You think I am causing your stress?!  You think I am stressing you enough to cause that to happen?!?!

I very calmly said, "Yes, you are.  When the doctor asks what I think is causing it, that is what I will tell him."  The Ogre steamed, huffed, turned and stormed off to his next chore.  He spent the remainder of the day in obvious silent rage within himself. I noticed later that evening that his blood pressure cuff had been used.  As soon as he understood, though, that I would not hesitate to tell a doctor. nor anyone else I could get contact with, that he was inducing my ill health symptoms, the screaming rages slowed down to almost a halt.  I said almost, not totally stopped.  They were; however, replaced with other "punishments".  A narcissist will not be controlled, they just shift gears and go with another avenue.

So . . . . . .  is it attempted murder if someone knowingly, purposefully, and with full intent, creates a situation or performs an act, even just verbally, that they know will cause another person to go into an asthma attack, stroke (mini or regular) or heart attack?  I firmly believe it IS attempted murder!  What do you think? I would love to hear your opinions and views on this topic.

Thanks for stopping in and thank you for your support. Have a wonderful day of love this Valentine's Day.

Signed - Betty Sue
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