Monday, December 26, 2016

The "Boiled Frog" or "Frog in the Pot" Syndrome

I saw in the news this morning that George Michael had passed away yesterday (Christmas Day) in his sleep. That is far, far beyond sad! It was such a shock. He was only 53, just one year younger than me.

I feel so old right now. I am just so tired and worn down, but then I see something like George Michael passing away and I think, "He wasn't that old! He still had a lot of living and singing, and life to enjoy!" Then I realize, "Hey, wait, I am just a year older than him! ((I)) still have a LOT of living left to do, too! What happened here? Why am I no longer doing all the things I so love and enjoy?

It's that "Boiled Frog Syndrome".  You have all of these things in life that you love sooo much! You have your set ideas about what you want, what you want to do, what you want to accomplish, where you want to go, where you want to be, what you enjoy doing in your free or down time. All these things make you 'happy'. 

Then came along "Honey" (now referred to as "T L Ogre"). At first, he 'pretended' to either like all of these same things and dreams that I liked and/or wanted, OR, they were things that he said he would love to explore and learn to do them with me as I learned about the things he loved and I was unfamiliar with.

In the beginning he showed a lot of interest in all the things I was interested in. As the years went by, though, little by little, he subtly began to pull me away from all that I so loved. I absolutely adore music! In little bits at a time, I quit listening to music when he was around because it started appearing to bother him. As time progressed, he gradually increased his annoyance with any kind of music, until I recently realized that music was no longer in my life. (Anyone that truly knows this, would never believe this would have ever happened!) I don't even own a working CD player any more! We used to listen to music on the radio in the vehicle, but that, too, eventually disappeared. Today, I am listening to George Michael music while Mr. Ogre is at work (paying my respects) on the computer as I type. Gone are the days of playing music as I go about my daily chores, boogieing around, dancing like no one is watching, and getting my chores done so much faster! Even the dogs are more upbeat and happy when music is going and I am rocking to it all day. Life without music is depressing!

The same has held true for so many other things in my life. . . . dancing . . . hand work . . . . flower gardening . . . . gardening my way . . . . enjoying time with my family and friends . . . . .sprucing up the "home" (he considers that wasted time) . . . . . picnicing at the lake or park . . . . . sitting down to enjoy an occasional movie . . . . . enjoying an occasional local event . . . . . . and an array of oh, so many other things in life that I truly enjoy .... things that make me, ME.

It is the Boiled Frog Syndrome. These "abusers", from the very beginning, stick us in the pot of cold water, then ever so slowly begin to 'bring up the heat.' You don't even notice what is happening until one day, you wake up and all that you love is gone and you are sitting there, isolated .... hostage/prisoner in your own home, feeling totally "dead" inside because all the things you love most are no longer a part of your life and you just aren't sure when it exactly happened. Most people think, "That would never happen to me!" but it happens so subtly. You give a bit of it up here and there, to keep peace, to "make it work" because you love so much about him that you are willing to give up "little bits" of the things you love, then one day, all of those "little bits" have added up to NOTHING LEFT.

I miss ME! All of the things I love, all of the things that I enjoy, all of my dreams, desires, goals and plans for the future .... those all go together to make ME. I miss ME and I have to, once again, get ME back! The shock of the news report that George Michael had died in his sleep from his heart, realizing that we were nearly the same age, thinking about my own heart issues, gave me a wake-up call. I may be feeling old, but then I see someone else my age and think about how much life they hae left to live and how young they still are. ((I)) am still young! ((I)) still have a LOT left to live! But as long as I stay here with T L Ogre, ((I)) am gone! ((I)) am as good as dead. Nothing I love or enjoy will ever be enjoyed again. Nothing I want to accomplish will ever be accomplished. None of my dreams will ever have a chance to possibly come to light. It is time to go. How? I have no idea, but somehow, I WILL! I WILL be ME again! I jumped out of the boiling pot! I am ME again!

I think that is adding to some of T L Ogre's rages and punishments right now. I realized what was happening and "ME" woke up and stood up for myself, as I started to try and climb back up this ditch he threw me into. My strength not only angers, but scares him. It confuses him and I can often, of late, see in his eyes that he just isn't sure what to do next. I am not reacting to his control methods and threats the way he expects and he doesn't quite know how to deal with it. This could easily make things much more dangerous for me and my critters, but it could also buy us some time. I just have no idea. But I am going to go with ME, the stubborn, determined, ME, that is NOT going to let him kill the ME in ME.

Please keep ME and my critters in your prayers as I diligently work to try and figure a way out for all of us. . . . . a way out with a fresh, now, beautiful start in life. Blessings to you all!

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