It has now been 4 months since the Ogre violently whacked my hand with a large fire log while in one of his extreme rages. It has been horrible, and literally given me nightmares as I relive it in my sleep, but I do feel very fortunate that it wasn't my head. As he had held that fire log high in the air that day, his face filled with rage, his eyes darted back and forth between my hand and my head as he appeared to momentarily ponder where to make his first hit, my arm/hand or my head. I was frozen with fear and the wild, dark, angry look in his eyes had convinced me that he was going to bash my head. He had ended up choosing my hand, raised the log back up as if to swing it again as he glared at my head, my eyes pleading with him to not hit me again, but then suddenly threw it down and physically went for my dog that was then huddled close by in great fear, no longer growling nor nor snapping at the Ogre, just huddled in total fear. I am trying to put this past me, but somehow, I still keep reliving it, especially in my sleep.
I am still at a plateau in my healing. I still have a lot of pain in my hand, especially in one particular area. When there is pressure against it, it actually feels like a bone splinter is trying to poke through my skin. When I hold onto something really warm to hot, it feels wonderful! When my hand gets cold or touches anything cold, especially like picking up an ice cube, it hurts like crud!
There is still a lot of numbness and tingling in the tips of several of my fingers and when I have to push my hand and use it for a length of time, it goes almost completely numb. That numbness and tingling are even more frustrating and much harder to live with than the pain and swelling.
The worst and most upsetting and frustrating part, though, is the lack of mechanics in my hand, now. As I said before, this was my dominant hand. On top of that, I had to put extra work on this hand because I had a really bad injury in my other hand years ago and it tires easily, aches with heavy use, and gives out easily. Now the mechanics of this hand are all messed up. Even typing is very difficult. I have to really concentrate and work at getting the message from my mind to my hand, now, to type anything. If I am typing absently mindedly, my page becomes just a jibberish mess. My hand pops open at the slightest bit of pressure on it which causes me to drop nearly everything I forget and pick up with it, which results in a lot of spilled and/or broken stuff, which in turn, wastes a lot of stuff and costs a lot of money I don't have to spare. Lifting anything with this hand is still nearly impossible. I am beginning to push it just a bit, though, lifting lighter stuff and holding it a few seconds, to try and hopefully begin to strengthen it back up as much as possible.
My shoulder hasn't totally healed from that night (it was injured, also, from the impact of the Ogre's swing and hit with the fire log as my arm swung backwards.) but it has made great improvements. Some days I forget now that it was hurt. I am hoping that that is a good sign that my shoulder, at least, will completely heal.
T L Ogre still has never apologized for smacking my hand with that fire log. He seems to still have the attitude that I needed to be punished for not letting him kill my dog. Deep down, though, I think he realizes what a mistake he made. No, he still isn't remorseful, just scared stiff that I will tell someone and they might think badly of him. He worries so much about people possibly thinking bad of him. Four months ago, I was still stuck back here in my isolated corner, cut off from most of the rest of the world. Now, in order for me to be able to move out, I am in contact with quite a few people and I finally got some wheels so I can begin to move once I am finally closed on the land. He has started carrying the heavier things for me, and subtly doing "nice" things for me as often as he can, things that will take pressure off of that hand. He is seeing that four months down the line, it isn't healing. He sees that as I make land arrangements, hopefully find some friends to help me move, search for a doctor for my hand, just sees in general that other people are going to see that I am having issues with my hand and want to know why. I feel like he is buttering me up, hoping I won't "tell". This is so friggin' frustrating! The emotional pain from my hand injury, too, is far worse, even, than the physical pain. I still hold on to hope that somehow, my hand will have a full recovery and be my strong, dominant hand once again.
Thanks for stopping by and have a beautiful day.
Signed - Betty Sue
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