Food Stamp Saga - part 8

preface - I apologize if this sounds too wordy or jumbled. I had countless interruptions as I was writing this post.
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I got the food card and went in to Walmart. This post picks up from the last post on the January 2nd outing after we had left the food stamp office.  I only wanted to get a few basic items at that point because I wanted to make my biggest grocery purchase at discount and closeout stores in the next town.  I spent approximately $10 in Walmart for a total of about $33 of groceries up to that point for the month.  We were supposed to go discount grocery store shopping in a  few days, so I didn't get any more than that.

Forty days later, I still had not gotten to get any more groceries! If I could go, he had an excuse that he couldn't. A large part of that time, though, I could not leave because I had puppies to watch.  It was cold and I had to stay close to keep the momma dogs and other dogs from accidentally smashing the puppies in their effort of trying too hard to snuggle close to keep them warm.  We had the puppies because T L Ogre put the dogs together, then bailed on us all, but that story will be for another post series.

So over the next 40 days, I lived on the "stock up for emergency" foods I had tucked away.  Oh was I ever glad I had gone food dehydrator happy last Summer and Fall!

Of course, T L Ogre had to periodically brag about how good some of the things he was buying and eating were during the time I was getting really burned out on stale, out-dated, old tasting foods. (But I was truly glad I had them on hand) He did offer to share some bread or fruit a couple of times.   I did not like the feeling that gave me so I took a piece of fruit once and that was it.  His tone, body language and expressions all felt like he felt sorry for me and was giving me a hand out.  Something in that just wasn't right.

A couple of times a couple of my elderly relatives made the long drive out here and brought me a "care" box with a little fresh food and basic essentials.  I appreciated that more than I could ever express!

I could get T L Ogre to pick up pet supplies for me (my cost) because he finally understood that I would call animal welfare if he didn't, but not groceries.  He might have picked up an occasional item in town, locally, if I begged hard enough, but it would have cost more than where I usually shop.  I needed to stretch what I had left on that card, out as far as I could!  There were signs all throughout that long stretch that he had been to the next town over and he had been to those stores, but he never let me know he was going so he could pick something up for me.

So, I lived forty days without going to a grocery store, only got a few grocery items at the beginning of that stretch, and it had been about a month, also, prior to that  that I had not been to a store and he had only picked up a few dollar's worth of groceries (for us) during that time. I didn't like it, but it sure was an excellent test of how well I am doing with my emergency food prep skills and what I need to work on more.

Last Saturday, I finally got to go grocery shopping and use up all the funds I had left on that food card!  It was a beautiful, unseasonably warm day, only one puppy is left and big enough I could leave for the day.  T L Ogre needed to go over to that town for a few items, also, and said I could go if I helped with the gas.  I had to stifle a laugh.  He didn't  have enough gas money to go on his own!  I was still very sick and after the first two stores, realized I was still much weaker than I thought, but I pushed and got my shopping done!  And no, he would not help me load my groceries into the truck, either.  He just sat in the cab complaining that his foot hurt and he didn't have any money to get anything.

I also had to unload all of my groceries back at 'home' by myself.  My hand and knee were in agony, but I finally got it all unloaded and tucked away in storage totes.  I think I am enjoying my big box of fresh fruits and vegetables, best!  I was sooo salad hungry.  I was so thankful to have my tucked away stock of dehydrated veggies, but you just can't beat that fresh produce!

Throughout that day, as we drove around from store to store and on the trip home, he made mention of several times he had been, himself, and purchased this and that at the various stores.  I said,
I didn't know you had come and gotten groceries here." He replied, "It was when you had to watch the puppies and couldn't come." Ugh! I knew he had, I had found the signs of it, but now he had to rub it in. He had the food card with him, he had my funds on it, too, he came to the stores I needed to go to for groceries, but NEVER, during that 40 day period, did he tell me he was and ask what I needed picked up! What an azz! I could have given him at least a short list each of items those times so that I didn't have to pick mold off of my bread and cheese and all. He knew that I was having to do that, too.  He had to offer me some of his bread, instead, during that time so he appeared like he was doing something nice and sympathetically wonderful for me. Grrr.....

I really stretched the dollar out as far as I could, but I will need to still be thrifty and make it last as long as I can, as I am still at "$0" income and no longer have food stamps.  About two days before the day they told me to come back in to apply, I reminded him and asked if he could take me on that day.  He said, "No, just apply online. You can do it that way."  That will mean a phone conference, a conversation he has access to listen in on, leaving no way for me to get opportunity to speak freely with a human services worker, which, I am sure, is why he insists I sign up online.

I'm gonna be okay.  I will get through this.  I will once again earn a good income and, with that income,  I will purchase all of my own groceries where I want, when I want .... what I don't grow myself, that is.

Thanks for stopping in and for your support. Have a beautiful day.

Signed - Betty Sue

Another Clutch of Eggs and Just Touching Base

Howdy, all!
I don't have much time today, so I just wanted to take a moment to let you all know I am alright. Still sick, had a set back over the weekend, but improving again.

I found another small clutch of eggs a couple of days ago. They were so big and beautiful! I kept my mouth shut this time, lol. There were half a dozen. I put them in a carton and promptly put them in my "kitchen dresser" in the tent, no word about them. Pretty sad when you have to start hiding food. Funny thing though, he never did take any eggs to his sister until today, then asked if it was okay with me first. No telling what war would have started if I had said no, and I had no reason to say no, so I half smiled and said yes, no problem. Dang, I must have really scared him with my disapproving face the other day, over the eggs. It's just eggs.  He had also recently started counting chickens, though, and realized that about 90% of them are mine, lol. I figure, my chickens, his feed, we split them. No problem on my end. Split the eggs, I mean, not the chickens.

I FINALLY got to go get groceries over the weekend! The old Ogre had to go into that town for a few things and said I could go with him, if I split the gas, of course. The last puppy is spoken for, waiting for pick-up in a few days, it was a very, unseasonably warm, sunny day, and the little fella (puppy) is finally big enough I could leave for the day. I spent ALL of the food funds I had left on the card and hopefully it got me enough groceries for a month or so. I REALLY stretched it out as far as I could.  I am so happy to finally have some fresh fruits and veggies!!!  The day wasn't without its stresses, which I hope to get posted in a near future post, but it is done and over with, it could have been worse, and I have a stock of groceries and basic supplies. Still need a handful of things, but I have the bulk of what I needed. I just didn't realize how weak I had gotten from being sick and after the first store or two, I was really pushing to get the rest of my list, but I wasn't coming back without it all. On the way home, we went through a lot of brush fire smoke, which followed us home and kind of settled down in this valley, which set my respiratory infection back a bit, but I am once again, improving today.

I caught him in so many lies over the weekend, in just everyday, random chit chat.  It was lies that were so stupid, entire concocted "stories" even. Why would he do that? It is a narcissistic thing. They feel that if they know the truth and the person they are talking to doesn't, then they hold the control ... they get a control fix from it. Grrrr...... I just  kept listening quietly and wondering how much of the chit chat the past 5 plus years was all lies just like these over the weekend. Really kills my trust in anyone, anymore.

I better go for now. It has already been a long morning, I need to cover stuff up before the rain gets here, and he will be back 'home' any time. Thank you so much for stopping in and being supportive. I will try my best to get some more posts in this week. I have made so many eye-opening discoveries lately, and I want to get them documented.

Have a great day, all!

Signed - Betty Sue

T L Ogre Hates His Momma!

T L Ogre HATES his mother; not just a little bit, but with raging, extreme passionate hate. I didn't think too much about it in the beginning. Any time we were discussing our families, he would mention his mom from time to time. When he did, it was always in a negative way, but not really with any major anger.

In the beginning, he also often, said that I reminded him a lot of his mom. I never really thought much about it, in the beginning, because he usually said in it conjunction with her being an economizer or trying new small business venture ideas. Then, I took it to mean it was a good thing. I think that is how he wanted me to take it, too.

As the years have gone by, and our relationship has progressed, he has spoken more and more about his mom, always in a negative way. I have only heard him say something nice about her once in the 5+ years we have been together. He has also continued to say that I remind him so much of her.  I finally started wondering, "If you disliked everything about your mom, then why did you chose a life partner that reminds you so much of your her?" I wanted to ask that question so many times, but I never could find just that right moment to ask.

Now, keep in mind that his mom has been deceased for quite a few years, now. She was gone long before he and I even got together. He will tell you, with great anger and hate that she died from a hospital mistake(s).  He is still, to this day, bitterly angry that "they" screwed up and took his momma away from him, yet, in the next sentence, he will tell you about how no good she was.

T L Ogre says his Momma was crazy, clinically crazy. He has never given a mental diagnosis, just says she was crazy. Everything (in his eyes) that she ever did was wrong, mean, over protective, crazy, nuts, unfair, anything in the realm of bad. He now speaks of this with narrowed, glaring eyes, wrinkled forehead, clinched teeth, and deep, angry voice.

Over the past couple of years, especially the past year, he speaks of his mom more and more and more .... always in a bitterly, angry, hateful tone. EVERYTHING reminds him of her! We will be just standing there, talking about something small, just everyday chit chat, things like how fast the grass is greening up, the flowers popping up, need to head for the store, anything, and it will bring to mind a bad memory about his mom, sending him into a teeth clenched, bitterly angry, ranting rage. His rage against his mom might go on for just a few minutes, but often continues for up to an hour. He then appears to be upset and angry with her for the entire rest of the day.

He never lets anything go about her. He constantly brings up the same tiny little things that she did, over and over and over and over. He hangs on everything that she did that he didn't like, stupid, simple little every day kid things, many things that I didn't consider a bad thing at all, but basic mothering, and to this day he just won't let go of them, not even something as simple as cleaning off a little scrape. You can be doing something as simple as picking something out of the garden or cutting up vegetables and it will stir up a memory of her, sending him into a screaming, ranting rage, nostrils flaring, skin graying, breathing difficult . . . . total hate filled anger at his mom!

Nope, I don't think that my reminding him of his mom was a good thing at all!; yet, I do think that that is why he chose me as his next partner, because I DO remind him so much of his mom. I am her substitute.  Hindsight... don't we wish we could have it as foresight?!

Thanks for stopping in and have a beautiful day!

Signed - Betty Sue

The OFFICIAL break-up, sort of.

Yep, it is OFFICIALLY a 'break up'. A couple of months ago I called it off. "I" said that we were OVER! In my mind, in my thoughts, in my plans for the future, I never faltered from that.... IT WAS OVER!

T L Ogre, on the other hand, forbid it. We were still together. We were still a couple. We were still going to get married. I could not leave. No one else cared about me. Only he did. He forbid me to change my Facebook status, or else there would be a punishment. He would not "allow" me to break it off. Now, let me tell you, when someone tries to kill my dog, when someone tries to kill or harm my cats for the purpose of hurting me, when someone whacks my hand on purpose (with no remorse) with a big fire log in a moment of uncontrolled rage (went from 0 to 60 in just a couple of seconds), IT'S OVER!!!!

I kept quiet about it and didn't say any more as I started to try and figure out how to get out of here. His raging, tantrums and abuse worsened by the day. A couple of weeks ago, in the middle of one of his senseless rages, he said that there were going to be "some changes around here the first of the year!" He said no more after that. I didn't know if that was an empty threat to intimidate, or a discussion we were going to have or what.

About that time he also started something I would call Intimidation Brain Washing. He would have a bunch of concocted stuff all saved up, stuff that wasn't true and didn't make sense, catch me in a corner or sitting down in a chair, (were I couldn't escape. He now has lots of fun with me being Agoraphobic and uses it for his sadistic pleasure) then start screaming down at me, one nonsense thing right after another. You do this!  You do that! You don't do this! You don't do that! You won't change! You won't do what I tell you! You think this! You think that! You are stupid! You are stubborn! (I admit to that one) You are stubborn and stupid because you are Polish! Nobody cares about you! Your friends don't really like you, they just pretend! Actually, most of what he was screaming and raging is actually what he is guilty of. That kind of blew my mind. He screams and rages all these things at me that he does and shouldn't, or doesn't do and should.

It finally occurred to me the other day that he was building on his "scenario" to tell people when I left and it became obvious we were no longer together. He needs to save face. I mean, eleven wives before me left him - most of them in haste and revengeful anger - and countless live-ins. He has to save face with his family and few friends when another one leaves. Some of them really criticize him because he can't keep a relationship.

Then January 1st, I stopped to sit down in a chair a few minutes (outside) to catch my breath from chores, when he came up and, once again, towered over me in a corner. The raging, screaming, tirade began ...... a verbal beating with countless accusations that weren't true, didn't make any sense, and once again, most were what he is guilty of. And of course, more drilling it into me that everything around here that isn't done, isn't completed, is falling down from disrepair is MY fault and solely, MY fault. He finished with (still in a screaming rage, but like he had just thought of it) "You know, I'm not going to marry you! We aren't engaged any more!" I said, calmly and agreeably, "No, we aren't getting married. Not a chance." He stopped a moment with a very odd and puzzled look on his face. Then he screamed, "You need to get your stuff and your critters and get out of here! You can stay on the property until you find something, but I am no longer paying for anything! I'm done with you!" He then raced into the house and changed HIS Facebook status.

It became obvious that this "break up" was planned weeks ago, possibly even longer. HE had to be the one to break it off. HE had to make a production out of it. He had to get his 'story' created and organized before he put on his show. So I am in the tent that is becoming thin and brittle, and he has made his "home" in is pick up, sleeping in the sturdy walls of the cab.

Even though he says we are "over", he really doesn't mean quite that. He refuses to pay for anything any more, he has stripped me of all of my income earning opportunities (post on that shortly), he is scouring the dating sites and porn sites (but I discovered that he has been doing that for quite awhile), he is cleaning up things he always trashes and tells me not to clean because it is wasted time, yet he keeps talking about "we this" and "we that" and includes the word "we" not "I" when he talks about the future.  Reality is, in my eyes, he has someone else on the string and is ready for the newness of the relationship once again, yet still needs the control fix from attacking me. That makes a lot more make more sense. He still wants to be "together", but he is intensifying the "punishments" because I won't comply with his outrageous demands and he gets some kind of  'fix' from this. In no time, though, he will definitely be done with me when he wants to bring his next victim here.

Thanks for listening, thanks for caring, have a blessed and happy day!


Signed - Betty Sue

Documenting the Fence Episodes

Sometimes, documenting all the incidences is a very wise thing to do. Through all of the stress and abuse, it can be very hard to do, but it is important. I am sure I have missed a lot that I should have documented, but I realized today how important this documentation is. When you go back and read some of the things you have written down, you can often see a pattern that will give you some answers.

In the video, when I say that the dogs had been abused at the last house I lived at, I meant that it was the neighbors that abused them, not anyone at my house. I made sure their yard when we moved them was very secure just so they didn't have any opportunity to get out. I spent a lot of time the past year trying to get them over the old neighbors' antics and get them friendly and loving again. (they always have been with me) Then T L Ogre started abusing and antagonizing some of them and has created an on edge situation. I now know that some of that was all part of his "set up". This is unbelievable. I don't know if he ever really loved me, or if this is where he was going right from the start.

Anyway, it appears, from all that he said today, that he may be planning on the dogs "accidentally" getting loose and getting them and me in trouble with the law. He is so viciously twisted!

Thanks for listening! May you have a Happy New Year!

Signed - Betty Sue

Have Car, Doesn't Run

My car ..... I say I don't have a car, but actually, I should say that I don't have a running vehicle. I actually do have a car, and I absolutely love it, but it doesn't run. It was running when I moved it here just a little over a year ago, but it did need some repairs. T L Ogre parked it in the brush and there it still sits, flat tire and all. I have no idea where the title ended up in the move, either.

He kept saying he was going to fix it, but it sat for months before he took a "look" at it. By then, the engine was filled with rats' nests and they had chewed the wiring all up, so now it needs far more repairs than it did. The transmission hadn't gone completely out, yet, but it was starting to have issues. He has no intentions of repairing it, now. He just keeps saying it isn't worth it (he hates that car and hates working on it). I LOVE my car!

My car gets great gas mileage when running, and seats 6 adults plus two children. Seats can be laid down for hauling stuff. It is a really good car for me. It just doesn't take really rough roads, though, dirt roads, yes, but not roads with super deep ruts and boulders. It needs quite a few repairs because it has been so long since it has been updated, but I like it much better than newer cars and I don't think the repairs would cost nearly as much as a new car, plus the insurance is far lower than on a new car and so is the tag.

Tag.... it is now past due by about a month. We were supposed to black tag it (at least, that is what we talked about and decided on). I had the money at one point to tag my car, but he would not take me to the tag office to tag it. I had no other way to get there. (Remember, we live way out in the boonies, miles from the nearest town.) I told him that I would black tag it no matter how long it took (adding a dollar a day in penalties), that I would not be manipulated out of tagging it. But there it still sits, being used for storage, which he also throws a fit about. If I love something, he wants to destroy it to hurt me, that is the way of late. I think if I wasn't using it for storage, he would have hauled it off for scrap by now (he talked about doing just that).

As I said, I had the money at one point to tag it, but now it will cost more than double and adding to that each and every day. He also insisted that that money had to go for other things that were more urgent. He is making absolute sure I don't have any transportation of my own. He had also said last year that he was going to get me a car out of the income tax return. Nope, never happened and I don't think he ever really intended to.

You never know how much you take things for granted until you don't have them. I have not been able to drive myself anywhere, not even to run to the grocery store, in nearly a year, and months before that. The last time I got to drive myself anywhere was last February. My granddaughter was born and I and a couple of other relatives all drove together (next state over) for the blessed event. I got to be the driver! We made a stop at a store on the way and it felt soooo gooood!!! That was the last time I got to drive, or take myself anywhere alone. The last time before that was when I moved m car here. I need to be helping my mom drive around to do her errands and run to Dr.'s appointments. He does all of that for his sister, but I am being kept from doing any of that for my nearly 90 year old mom. She has to do all of that herself and hunt other people to get her to long distance appointments. It just isn't right!

People, having your own wheels, no matter how good or bad they might look, as long as it makes it from point A to point B safely, is such a blessing! Never take a running vehicle for granted. If I ever get a vehicle again and can take my own self places, it will be pure bliss!

Thanks for stopping in.

Signed - Betty Sue

My Facebook Status

My Facebook status is still set on engaged. I no longer consider myself engaged (nor any kind of romantic involvement with him) any more. I want to change it, but, quite shockingly, he still considers us engaged! T L Ogre still thinks we are going to have some kind of life together. He thinks I will realize how 'stuck' I am here, agree to his terms (controlling, dictating demands) and life with him will go on.

Everything he used to love so much about me, he now abhores. I just don't get it. All the things he loved, made him smile at me, laugh with me, dote on me, enjoy together, is now greeted with anger, hate and rage, yet he still wants me to stay and marry him!  *shakes head*  It's crazy! I just don't get it. And how can anyone turn so sharply on someone, apparently overnight? I mean, you are laughing and thoroughly enjoying each other one day, then the next day, they deeply and bitterly hate everything about you? They just, wake up that way, even though nothing happened, nothing changed.

I am NOT ALLOWED to change my Facebook status. I am not allowed, to take the "engaged" status down ..... or there will be yet another 'punishment' of some kind. Get this....he says if I change it, it would make him look bad! That is one of the first things I will change the moment I am out of here.

Thanks for stopping in and thanks for your support.

Signed - Betty Sue

My Oldest Son's Birthdahy

Yesterday was my oldest son's birthday. He is in his mid 30s. I had to celebrate his birthday in silence as T L Ogre has firmly forbidden me to EVER talk about him again.

Just like everyone else in the world, my son, LL, isn't perfect. He has had far more than his share of troubles and 'learning' experiences. At the moment, sadly, LL and I are not on speaking terms. I try to keep up with him through other family members, to be sure he is okay, (right now he is reasonably okay) but I had to quit trying to hold him up for now, there is just a lot of other things that goes into it. He has an addictive personality and currently has a serious problem with alcohol. I don't approve, so that makes him angry. Anyway, I do love him very dearly and pray a lot that he will wake up and get his life together a bit better. There is such a good person inside of him that got lost.

One day last month, T L Ogre was in the midst of one of his all day, every little bit violent verbal rages. He was spewing venom over every little thing he could think of and laying down new rules, one right after the other. It was getting mind boggling because he was bringing up things that we hadn't been talking about and I had no idea he felt was a problem, but there he was, raging on everything under the sun and laying down the law on so many things that I didn't even have a clue was a problem. Then, out of the blue, he screamed in a red skinned rage, "And I don't EVER want to hear you talk about your oldest son, LL, again! NEVER!!!" Huh? What was he talking about? He saw my puzzled look and rage on, "Your son, LL, NEVER, NEVER, EVER, talk about him again! Just let it go, forget about him! I have GOOD kids. MY kids are good! NEVER let me hear you talking about your oldest son, LL again!"

This is my son! My first born child! I love him with my whole heart! He isn't perfect, but no one is. We all make our mistakes, then mommies hope and pray they get back on track. He is my son, I carried him a full term, felt him moving around inside of me, snuggled inside of me, was ornery inside of me when he didn't like the way I was sitting (I still smile and giggle on the memory of that), and such wonderful memories of his growing up years. As a young adult, we were very, very close. This is MY SON! My oldest and first born! To tell me to forget about him, to let him go, to NEVER, EVER talk about him again, is far beyond cruel and heartless! This hurt far more than anything else T L Ogre has done yet to me. This was probably the biggest determining factor in my firm decision to leave this monster as soon as I can figure out a way. It is also proof of the ogre's extreme desire to pull me away from my family and friends into deeper isolation.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LL. I LOVE YOU DEARLY!!!

Signed - Betty Sue

The "Boiled Frog" or "Frog in the Pot" Syndrome

I saw in the news this morning that George Michael had passed away yesterday (Christmas Day) in his sleep. That is far, far beyond sad! It was such a shock. He was only 53, just one year younger than me.

I feel so old right now. I am just so tired and worn down, but then I see something like George Michael passing away and I think, "He wasn't that old! He still had a lot of living and singing, and life to enjoy!" Then I realize, "Hey, wait, I am just a year older than him! ((I)) still have a LOT of living left to do, too! What happened here? Why am I no longer doing all the things I so love and enjoy?




It's that "Boiled Frog Syndrome".  You have all of these things in life that you love sooo much! You have your set ideas about what you want, what you want to do, what you want to accomplish, where you want to go, where you want to be, what you enjoy doing in your free or down time. All these things make you 'happy'. 

Then came along "Honey" (now referred to as "T L Ogre"). At first, he 'pretended' to either like all of these same things and dreams that I liked and/or wanted, OR, they were things that he said he would love to explore and learn to do them with me as I learned about the things he loved and I was unfamiliar with.

In the beginning he showed a lot of interest in all the things I was interested in. As the years went by, though, little by little, he subtly began to pull me away from all that I so loved. I absolutely adore music! In little bits at a time, I quit listening to music when he was around because it started appearing to bother him. As time progressed, he gradually increased his annoyance with any kind of music, until I recently realized that music was no longer in my life. (Anyone that truly knows this, would never believe this would have ever happened!) I don't even own a working CD player any more! We used to listen to music on the radio in the vehicle, but that, too, eventually disappeared. Today, I am listening to George Michael music while Mr. Ogre is at work (paying my respects) on the computer as I type. Gone are the days of playing music as I go about my daily chores, boogieing around, dancing like no one is watching, and getting my chores done so much faster! Even the dogs are more upbeat and happy when music is going and I am rocking to it all day. Life without music is depressing!

The same has held true for so many other things in my life. . . . dancing . . . hand work . . . . flower gardening . . . . gardening my way . . . . enjoying time with my family and friends . . . . .sprucing up the "home" (he considers that wasted time) . . . . . picnicing at the lake or park . . . . . sitting down to enjoy an occasional movie . . . . . enjoying an occasional local event . . . . . . and an array of oh, so many other things in life that I truly enjoy .... things that make me, ME.

It is the Boiled Frog Syndrome. These "abusers", from the very beginning, stick us in the pot of cold water, then ever so slowly begin to 'bring up the heat.' You don't even notice what is happening until one day, you wake up and all that you love is gone and you are sitting there, isolated .... hostage/prisoner in your own home, feeling totally "dead" inside because all the things you love most are no longer a part of your life and you just aren't sure when it exactly happened. Most people think, "That would never happen to me!" but it happens so subtly. You give a bit of it up here and there, to keep peace, to "make it work" because you love so much about him that you are willing to give up "little bits" of the things you love, then one day, all of those "little bits" have added up to NOTHING LEFT.

I miss ME! All of the things I love, all of the things that I enjoy, all of my dreams, desires, goals and plans for the future .... those all go together to make ME. I miss ME and I have to, once again, get ME back! The shock of the news report that George Michael had died in his sleep from his heart, realizing that we were nearly the same age, thinking about my own heart issues, gave me a wake-up call. I may be feeling old, but then I see someone else my age and think about how much life they hae left to live and how young they still are. ((I)) am still young! ((I)) still have a LOT left to live! But as long as I stay here with T L Ogre, ((I)) am gone! ((I)) am as good as dead. Nothing I love or enjoy will ever be enjoyed again. Nothing I want to accomplish will ever be accomplished. None of my dreams will ever have a chance to possibly come to light. It is time to go. How? I have no idea, but somehow, I WILL! I WILL be ME again! I jumped out of the boiling pot! I am ME again!

I think that is adding to some of T L Ogre's rages and punishments right now. I realized what was happening and "ME" woke up and stood up for myself, as I started to try and climb back up this ditch he threw me into. My strength not only angers, but scares him. It confuses him and I can often, of late, see in his eyes that he just isn't sure what to do next. I am not reacting to his control methods and threats the way he expects and he doesn't quite know how to deal with it. This could easily make things much more dangerous for me and my critters, but it could also buy us some time. I just have no idea. But I am going to go with ME, the stubborn, determined, ME, that is NOT going to let him kill the ME in ME.

Please keep ME and my critters in your prayers as I diligently work to try and figure a way out for all of us. . . . . a way out with a fresh, now, beautiful start in life. Blessings to you all!

NOT Allowed to Pet my Old Dog!

This will take more than just this one short post to explain so you can get the full concept of it all. I will write what I have the time to, and my hand will type before it gives out, then I will try to finish the rest in a voice video soon.

We have 3 male Boxers, Son, Dad and Grandpa. Son and Dad get along great. They are in the same yard together with only a minimal spat on occasion, no more than any two little boys would do, probably less. But Dad and Grandpa are another story!

Dad would have probably gotten along fine with his dad (Grandpa), but Grandpa thought other wise. Grandpa was my first male dog and considers himself the alpha male dog. Dad (his son) has always been the front yard dog (protection for me in the front and back yards when I lived alone) so he also feels like he is the alpha dog. This was all fine at the last place I lived because I had a very tall, secure fence for Grandpa and all was well, just some grumbling through the fence now and then. Now, jump ahead a bit.

I moved here to T L Ogre's place. Mr. Ogre built the fence for the dogs before we moved them. It is a low fence of cattle panels. To save on time, I will just say the fence was not built secure enough to keep the two male dogs apart. Grandpa dog made it over the fence and into Dad dog's yard a few times, hurting Dad dog pretty badly. He went over the gate, which rattles when it is messed with. Not even 3 levels of electric fence would stop him. Grandpa dog had to be chained (breaks my heart!). That was supposed to be temporary, with a long run set up for him soon after so he could get into his good dog house (5x6 insulated building). That still isn't done, he is still on a chain month later. He does have a smaller dog house where he is chained, but it could be better. He had NEVER been chained before in his life! He was used to having a huge area to run and play in.

The two yards are actually one very large yard with a divider fence in the middle. The gate is in the divider, the ONLY entry into Grandpa dog's yard. Most/all (varies from time to time) of the female Boxers are in Dad's yard (also our yard and where the tent is). Dad dog feels the need to protect all of us (dogs and me) from that "monster dog" that keeps jumping the fence and attacking him. (Grandpa dog LOVES all people! He loves to make new friends that will play with him and has never even attempted to harm anyone).

Every time I try to go through the gate to go play with my old Grandpa dog, Dad dog rushes to the gate (the "rattle of the gate" triggers his memory of the attacks on him) to protect me from that old dog and I can't get through the gate to my old dog without Dad dog trying to get in to fight him to protect me. T L Ogre held Dad dog a few times and 'let' me go in with Grandpa dog to play with him and update wormer, deflea stuff and all, but he will no longer do that. If we had just done that together for awhile, they would have settled down and gotten used to me going in there. But no more!

T L Ogre now says that I am no longer allowed to go in the yard with my beloved old dog until I "train" Dad dog to 'let' me go in there (by myself). He says this with bitter anger and rage! T L Ogre has taken over all the feeding, watering, etc. of my old dog. I can see Grandpa, I can talk to him through the fence, but I am not allowed to feed him, touch him, play with him, pet him, cuddle him, NOTHING! From the beginning, I wanted to put a gate on the side or back, one that went directly into Grandpa dog's yard, but NO! T L Ogre won't put a gate in on the side or back and won't allow me to. Dad dog is simply protecting his little "family" of dogs. Grandpa dog loves the other dogs, too, and wants them  in with him. The two yard/pens should have never been put butt up against each other.

My old dog, Grandpa, has been with me since he was 6 weeks old. He slept with me, went every where with me, was my little buddy and side kick for a long, long time. As he got big (and started chasing the cats), he got his own big yard and huge dog house and I spent time each day playing with him and cuddling with him. He also was used to being inside in his own room in the extra cold weather. Now I am not allowed to even so much as touch him, much less cuddle with him. THIS ABSOLUTELY BREAKS MY HEART BEYOND WORDS! It tears me all up inside and it does the same to Grandpa. He is so very sad and just can't understand why I won't come in and play with him any more. He just begs and begs for my attentions. My animals are definitely being used to hurt me. It hurts far more than if the ogre just beat me instead, and he knows that. Grandpa dog is getting old and gray. His days are slipping away and we can't enjoy them with each other. He is sad and hurting and I am sad and hurting. I hope and pray I can find an answer to get us all out of here and together safely before he is gone so we can once again enjoy some cuddles and play together. No matter how hard I beg, T L Ogre holds firm... No gate on the side and I can't go into Grandpa's yard unless I can do it without help by teaching Dad dog to 'let' me. This has been the hardest of all of this yet, it is hurting me more than anything T L Ogre has done, to me, yet, and T L Ogre seems to be VERY pleased with himself on this!

signed - Betty Sue