Is It Attempted MURDER if . . . . .

I have several health issues.  Most of my health issues I do pretty well at keeping under control, but there is that occasional flare up.  Stress is one of the biggest triggers that will flare up any of my health issues.  TL Ogre knows and fully understands all of this.


Two of my biggest stress induced health issues are asthma and heart problems.  Little did I know that TL Ogre would use this against me. I never dreamed that someone that is supposed to be your loving life partner, someone that is supposed to be there for you in sickness and in health, through everything, no matter what, would use your  health issues as a tool to punish and hurt you, but that is exactly what happened.

I'm not sure exactly how far back it started, how far back that he realized that his screaming rages or even just his didn't-make-sense-verbal beatings sent me into asthma attacks and/or mini strokes and heart attack symptoms, but he did eventually see that is caused it and ran with it.  When he would go into his screaming rages, or give me one of his long winded, never ending, belittling, verbal beatings, I would start gasping for air and go into an asthma attack and/or the left side of my body would go numb from head to toe, beginning with my left hand and foot, followed by my heart flip flopping around, chest pains, shortness of breath, jaw pain, etc. Sometimes my left eye feels like someone is stabbing it with an ice pick and feel like it will never stop! I tried so hard to block him out and relax my breathing, but it just didn't seem to help. His 'attacks' were just too harsh. That mean old Ogre would see my breathing became labored, or see me start flexing my hand trying to keep it from going numb, pause a moment with a small sadistic grin on his face, then plow even harder into me with his raging.  He loved me!  Why was he doing this?!  Why was he being so mean?!

When he either just plain ran out of steam and couldn't rage any more, and/or felt that he had me sick enough that my daily tasks would be a huge struggle, he would stop and walk away with a satisfied smug, evil grin on his face.

After many of those "episodes", my left foot and leg would be so numb and heavy I could barely walk.  My leg would often buckle under me, but I had to push and get my chores and daily tasks done as close to on time as possible, or I would get another round.  I was terrified he was gong to kill me this way!!  And of course, this is when he would give me an impossible list of extra chores to do, with consequences attached if the list wasn't completed, which it was not possible to complete, so punishment(s) were/was issued.

One day, at the end of one of these episodes, I verbally spelled out what he was doing to me, to my health, and asked if it didn't bother him, if he was sorry for what he was doing to me.  His exact reply was, "I'm sorry you can't take it, but it has to be done."

What?!?!?! He HAS to verbally beat me into asthma and heart attack symptoms???? This blew me away!  Why was he doing this?? Why did he feel he had to do this to me? He was supposed to be the love of my life, take care of me when I was sick, not MAKE me sick!!

The rages and verbal beatings grew in numbers and intensity, they escalated beyond out of control after that conversation.  This is when he started getting in my face screaming, flailing his arms at me making me think he was going to hit me, putting his mouth up to my ear (while I was sitting in a short chair in the middle of the yard with no way to get up and escape because he was bent over me - more of his sadistic use of my agoraphobia) screaming criticisms into my ear until my ear drum rattled with vibrations, knowing I do not have ear wax to buffer sound (birth defect), knowing it would send me into an asthma attack and stroke symptoms.

 Yet, periodically, he would sarcastically mouth at me, "We need to get you to a doctor and get that checked (stroke symptoms), but he would never tell me to go ahead and make an appointment and if I did, I would have been punished for the bill it created.

One day, on a particularly bad day, when I just could not keep quiet after an intense verbal beating, followed by his threat to "take me somewhere to be checked", I called him on it.  The verbal beating that day had been an extra bad one.  I was having strong stroke and heart attack symptoms.  One too many times he turned around, those daggers dancing from his darkened eyes, and sarcastically half screamed that we needed to get me somewhere to get "that checked".  I was feeling really bad and had no patience left that day, so I turned around to face him, several yards between us (I had been limping away to get my chores started), and said as calmly as I possibly could, "Yes, I need to go and have this problem checked.  When I do, the doctor is going to ask me what is stressing me so badly because both of these health issues for me are usually triggered by stress.  I will be honest and tell him what is causing it.

He was furious!  Body puffed, nostrils flared, he barked, "So, I'm doing it??!?! You think I am causing your stress?!  You think I am stressing you enough to cause that to happen?!?!

I very calmly said, "Yes, you are.  When the doctor asks what I think is causing it, that is what I will tell him."  The Ogre steamed, huffed, turned and stormed off to his next chore.  He spent the remainder of the day in obvious silent rage within himself. I noticed later that evening that his blood pressure cuff had been used.  As soon as he understood, though, that I would not hesitate to tell a doctor. nor anyone else I could get contact with, that he was inducing my ill health symptoms, the screaming rages slowed down to almost a halt.  I said almost, not totally stopped.  They were; however, replaced with other "punishments".  A narcissist will not be controlled, they just shift gears and go with another avenue.

So . . . . . .  is it attempted murder if someone knowingly, purposefully, and with full intent, creates a situation or performs an act, even just verbally, that they know will cause another person to go into an asthma attack, stroke (mini or regular) or heart attack?  I firmly believe it IS attempted murder!  What do you think? I would love to hear your opinions and views on this topic.

Thanks for stopping in and thank you for your support. Have a wonderful day of love this Valentine's Day.

Signed - Betty Sue

Food Stamp Saga Part 3

We usually did most of our grocery shopping together, but sometimes he just let me go in if we were short on time or his foot was hurting or another necessary reason.

Then November came and he did more of the shopping. December came and he completely took over the grocery card. One time I was with him, but we were in a big hurry, he was going in to the store to pick up something for his sister and asked what we needed, too. I wasn't feeling well so I sat in the truck with the dog and watched the stuff in it so no one would steal anything. There was only time for a quick run in that day, not full grocery buying. A couple of times after that he went in to town for errands and asked if I needed anything. He made it clear we "didn't want to get much right now." I couldn't figure out why. I asked him to get a couple of things for holiday cooking and it really seemed to annoy him. He didn't get as much sugar as I asked for, only a little (I was going to make candy).

December came and went and almost no groceries were purchased to my knowledge, very few. And those 2 bags of sugar that he did bring home just before Christmas .... he took half of it over to his sister's house for Christmas cooking, so I didn't get to make candy to take for Christmas dinner. The other bag was for daily use. We were still "together" at this point. He broke "us" off on the first of this month (January) and said he was going to take me off of the food stamps and make me get my own.

On the 2nd, T L Ogre said that he had to go to the next town (where we usually shop) when he got off work and I could ride with him if I wanted to and needed to get anything. I had to pay "half" of the gas, which was actually more than half of what it took for that trip. Yep, he skimmed again. (that will be more clear in a future post). I needed several things before the hard cold spell hit, so I went with him.

Keep watching for Part 4 of the Food Stamp Saga.It's an eye popper.  It will probably be tomorrow as I am out of safe time on here, today.

Signed - Betty Sue

Food Stamp Saga Part 2

T L Ogre, on the other hand, then decided he would see if he could get food stamps. He was making decent money hauling metal and stuff when I met him, but soon after quit. He only hauled a load now and then in desperation to pay a bill. He also took an occasional odd job here and there. He has a therapeutic massage business, but that, too, became few and far between.

He finally took a job at Walmart. He felt like the pay was low enough he could get food stamps. He applied but was turned down because  he was barely over the bracket. He constantly griped about how Walmart had to be doing that on purpose, keep employees' pay just above the limit. Eventually, for numerous reasons, he quite the Walmart job and took a job with fewer hours (19/wk) and less pay (provider for a relative).

Right after switching jobs, he went back to the DHS office, applied again and proudly got his food benefits started. He said, "I've paid in for so long, it's about time to get something back! I don't feel guilty at all, It's my turn!"

As soon as I moved in here, he went right back down and added me to his card. He was happy and pleased to see how  much more we got in food benefits. He kept his  job at the low hours it was and decided not to add another patient, nor add another part-time job.

I am always embarrassed when I go to the store and have to pull that card out, but he repeatedly stated that it was his turn to get something back and it didn't bother him. He also told me I didn't need to go out and get a job, that all the money I saved with the way I stretched the food budget so well, made things from scratch, found bargains on so many other basics, and other things I did around here saved enough to be like a job. I kept complaining that I needed an income, too. He kept arguing that all the money I saved us was an income. Now I see that his thought was probably, "If she works, it will reduce our food funds." and  "I can't let her out of my site. I can't control her as well that way."

Keep watching for Part 3 about our food stamps.

Signed - Betty Sue

Food Stamp Saga Part 1

I had never been on food stamps in my life until I was grown, all of my kids were grown and I had had a heart attack. At that time I was living mostly on bread and margarine (the bread so old it is sold for animal feed) and my health was suffering. I had opened a small business that was not taking off, which put me in financial stress and groceries got very skimpy. I applied because my health was in danger.

I was on food stamps when David and I got together. He was making money and doing fine on groceries at first, but then his income dwindled. He was so down over his lack of food that I sometimes cooked a couple of meals to send home with him. A little more time passed and I ended up sharing some groceries with him every month for several months. He gladly and eagerly took them. He also eagerly took any groceries anyone helped us with on occasion.

When it once again came time to renew my food card, I decided not to. I was making a few bucks here and there, finally, and decided it was time to give them up. I had also been working on a home loan modification so long that I didn't figure I would qualify, either. I was finally off of food stamps! I was buying my groceries and it felt great! I can make a few dollars go a very long way with sticking to closeouts and deep sales. I did not intend to ever have to go on food stamps again!

Stay tuned for part 2, coming up....

Signed - Betty Sue

Have Car, Doesn't Run

My car ..... I say I don't have a car, but actually, I should say that I don't have a running vehicle. I actually do have a car, and I absolutely love it, but it doesn't run. It was running when I moved it here just a little over a year ago, but it did need some repairs. T L Ogre parked it in the brush and there it still sits, flat tire and all. I have no idea where the title ended up in the move, either.

He kept saying he was going to fix it, but it sat for months before he took a "look" at it. By then, the engine was filled with rats' nests and they had chewed the wiring all up, so now it needs far more repairs than it did. The transmission hadn't gone completely out, yet, but it was starting to have issues. He has no intentions of repairing it, now. He just keeps saying it isn't worth it (he hates that car and hates working on it). I LOVE my car!

My car gets great gas mileage when running, and seats 6 adults plus two children. Seats can be laid down for hauling stuff. It is a really good car for me. It just doesn't take really rough roads, though, dirt roads, yes, but not roads with super deep ruts and boulders. It needs quite a few repairs because it has been so long since it has been updated, but I like it much better than newer cars and I don't think the repairs would cost nearly as much as a new car, plus the insurance is far lower than on a new car and so is the tag.

Tag.... it is now past due by about a month. We were supposed to black tag it (at least, that is what we talked about and decided on). I had the money at one point to tag my car, but he would not take me to the tag office to tag it. I had no other way to get there. (Remember, we live way out in the boonies, miles from the nearest town.) I told him that I would black tag it no matter how long it took (adding a dollar a day in penalties), that I would not be manipulated out of tagging it. But there it still sits, being used for storage, which he also throws a fit about. If I love something, he wants to destroy it to hurt me, that is the way of late. I think if I wasn't using it for storage, he would have hauled it off for scrap by now (he talked about doing just that).

As I said, I had the money at one point to tag it, but now it will cost more than double and adding to that each and every day. He also insisted that that money had to go for other things that were more urgent. He is making absolute sure I don't have any transportation of my own. He had also said last year that he was going to get me a car out of the income tax return. Nope, never happened and I don't think he ever really intended to.

You never know how much you take things for granted until you don't have them. I have not been able to drive myself anywhere, not even to run to the grocery store, in nearly a year, and months before that. The last time I got to drive myself anywhere was last February. My granddaughter was born and I and a couple of other relatives all drove together (next state over) for the blessed event. I got to be the driver! We made a stop at a store on the way and it felt soooo gooood!!! That was the last time I got to drive, or take myself anywhere alone. The last time before that was when I moved m car here. I need to be helping my mom drive around to do her errands and run to Dr.'s appointments. He does all of that for his sister, but I am being kept from doing any of that for my nearly 90 year old mom. She has to do all of that herself and hunt other people to get her to long distance appointments. It just isn't right!

People, having your own wheels, no matter how good or bad they might look, as long as it makes it from point A to point B safely, is such a blessing! Never take a running vehicle for granted. If I ever get a vehicle again and can take my own self places, it will be pure bliss!

Thanks for stopping in.

Signed - Betty Sue

Sick Again and a Gun

I got sick as I started to go to bed last night (actually, about 3am). This is my second bug (virus) in a week. My resistance seems to be unbelievably low right now. I am not getting to go anywhere, yet I am still catching everything. One my way out to the tent last night, I started getting really dizzy and queasy. I got things in order around the tent, the dogs settled in for the night, and started to go to bed myself. The dizziness grew until I was about to pass out and the queasiness was horrible.

I finally made it into the bed and tried to lay down. Every time I tried to lay down, I got so dizzy I felt myself passing out and sat up quickly. How I kept from vomiting, I have no idea. The urge was ultra strong. I sat totally still, bundled up in blankets and snuggled up to my hot water bottle. I kind of made another little tent over me with blankets and the hot water bottle in the center.

Finally, little by little, I was able to lay down and rest a little. I snoozed off and on through the night, so I am very tired today. I am still queasy, only slightly dizzy, more congested than usual, and chilling like I am running a fever. Pretty positive I am running a fever.

T L Ogre came in the tent after he got his chores done, around 9:30.  (I have no idea how long he had been up), but I thought I had heard him go into the old house to use the computer about an hour after I headed for bed.) He had a big frown on his face because I was still in bed. I struggled to get up and told him that I had been really sick all night. He said in a gruff voice of a stranger that didn't know you, "I'm sorry to hear that." then  "Are you ready to feed the dogs? I need to get up in the woods this morning."  Not an ... are you okay? or .... What was wrong? Just an "Oh, well" attitude.

We got the dogs fed and he was cross and snappy the whole time, not as bad as usual of late, but still cross and snappy at every little thing. After we got the dogs fed, T L Ogre came back to the tent and just stood in front of the tent for several minutes with an hateful, pondering look on his face. Finally, he lifted his head up and said that he was going to get his gun (pistol) out of the tent and take it on in the house. And then, the verbal beating and story concocting began......

Everything he said started with, You, You, You, You, You.... You are always to blame. "For some reason you don't like that gun in there. For some reason you are uncomfortable with that gun in there and I have no idea why. He then went on to hatefully argue all the good reasons why we needed a loaded gun close by when we sleep. Hateful and guns do not go together in my book. Biggest reason I was uncomfortable with it in there, he has grown more and more full of hate since the gun was put in there, and he often acts quickly before he thinks. So YES, I was uncomfortable with that big, loaded pistol in there.

He went on and on and on criticizing me for being nervous about having a loaded gun in the tent. Then ... he compared guns to the dogs!!! Like a little child he whined, "You have all of these dogs in here. (I had those dogs when I moved, and the yard they are in was built for them) Dogs are just like a loaded gun, only you can't control when their trigger might go off. Dogs go off and "shoot" whenever they want, you can't control that. At any moment, just because they want to, a dog can pull his own trigger. They stay loaded all the time. And you might not be able to stop them.  A dog is MUCH more dangerous than a gun!

For crying out loud! The man that is obsessed with guns, knives and other types of weapons, is whining that he is scared of dogs! Not just my dogs, all dogs!  He can't get that if you are nice to a dog, if you never provoke a dog, it isn't going to "shoot" you. It will be loyal to you. But this isn't what this is all really about.

What actually is happening (in my opinion) is that he is creating his scenario, his 'story' if you will. He knows that I don't want to be here anymore, he knows that I am trying to find a way to leave, and he may be building up to kick me out (I strongly suspect that will happen any day, now). Before any of that happens, he needs to have a "story" ready to tell people, a story that will make me look like the monster. I have noticed that for about the past week he has been working on concocting this story. He can't possibly look bad. He has to create something that will make me look bad and him the victim. I see now that he has done this with his past wives. The "story" he told about each one of them that left always left me with questions. The stories didn't quite make sense. They now make  sense, and I can clearly see that they, too, were the victims. They nearly all left in anger and extreme spite. I can now read in between the lines of every story that he told about every one of them. Now I see that all these senseless things that he is saying to me, about me, my critters, my belongings, all the untrue and ridiculous things he has said to berate me and confuse me, are to create that "story" he will tell when I leave, the one where he is once again the victim, where he just keeps picking women that turn out to be all alike, a man user that is crazy and he has no idea why they went nuts and left with so much spite. He is running scared now, scared that he will look bad to his family and handful of friends because another one left, because he can't hold a relationship.  He wants to make sure he makes me out to be the villain and destroys me if I leave, destroys me FOR leaving. That is how I see it. It makes all the senseless make sense.

Signed - Betty Sue

Unbelievable!

As you saw in my last post, T L Ogre won't allow me to change my Facebook status. (or another punishment will ensue)  He considers us still 'engaged' and wants the status to stay that way. He still thinks he will get me to marry him. OR  He says that even if we don't get that 'piece of paper' that officially says we are married, he considers me his 'wife'.

BUT . . . . I have just discovered that he is surfing around on dating sites! Looks like he is already lining up his next victim. I am not jealous of anyone that might be, I am worried about her. I am angry, yes, and very hurt, but not jealous. I just don't know who this guy is any more. He certainly isn't the person that I fell so hard in love with, not even close! My Honey left and a total mean, nasty, twisted and hateful strange moved in.

He considers us engaged, he considers me his wife, he doesn't want me to leave, yet he is surfing around on the dating sites. What next?!?!

Thanks for listening to my rant. I just needed to get some steam and hurt out. Gotta go get to bed, now. It will be morning shortly and he will be back in here on the main computer searching around those sites again, especially since it is Saturday. Have a good weekend!

Signed - Betty Sue